A Letter From A Not So Stranger
by JustMeCelia
Summary: AU:Karma Ashcroft has everything. She's popular, never misses a party, and is always up to date with fashion thanks to her friend Shane. She's a straight A student and has a perfect attendence record. She's head of the cheerleaders with her co-captain and best friend Lauren. Her life seems perfect, other than Lauren's who has to cope with her stepsister Amy. She is the school's tro
1. Chapter 1

"How do you do it?" "Do what?" I turn to Lauren with a slightly tilted head. We sat in the cafeteria and ate our salads, like almost every day. "Keep your grades up, while having a new boy toy every weekend and never missing a party. I hardly ever see you study." I look at my salad again and just shrug. "Talent, I guess. I never study, I just pay attention in class. And it doesn't hurt to read a book every once in a while." I look up at her with a smirk on my face. She shoots me a death glare, but before she could say anything else, Shane appears next to us. "So practice after school, right? The head cheerleaders have to be there, or else no one else will come." We turn to him and sigh simultaneously. He's always more concerned than he should be. "It was pretty much our idea, so why shouldn't be go there?" I said and Shane looks at Lauren. "Well, your sister said, that I shouldn't count on it that you'll make it today." Lauren rolls her eyes and glares over to Amy, who sits on the other end of the cafeteria. "Stepsister. As if I could share genes with her, I mean look at her." She's right, they are the complete opposite. Lauren is the perfect sweet girl from next door, always in cute dresses and sophisticated outfits when she's not wearing a cheerleader uniform. Amy on the other hand, dresses like a dirty punk and is the school's troublemaker and almost in detention every day. "And what does she know? I mean how does she even know that we have practice after school?" I sigh while I continue to focus on my salad again. "Maybe her mom told her." I say nonchalant and Lauren straightens up a bit. "Yeah, that must be it. But they hardly ever talk?" In this exact moment Lauren's phone starts to ring. "Hello? … Yeah … no she didn't … no I can't … I can't … I have practice … no it's not more important than family … no … but dad … fine." Lauren hangs up and glares once more at Amy and clenches her fist. Suddenly she stands up and walks over to her with a furious expression on her face. Amy on the other hand looks quite amused. Shane and I quickly follow her, to prevent mayor damage. "What the actual fuck, Amy?!" Lauren almost screams at her and Amy just looks over to Liam, her friend for trouble, and starts to laugh. "I'm sorry, can I help you?" She says with a smug smirk on her face. Seriously, how can people look like that and find any friends? On the other hand, Amy has no friends besides Liam. "Why the hell didn't you tell me that the fucking engagement dinner was tonight? Farrah told you days ago! Weeks maybe!" Amy just chuckles as she looks up at Lauren who almost shakes from anger. "Sorry, I didn't know I was obliged to tell you." Lauren took a few breaths before she continues. "Farrah fucking told you to tell me. Nobody told me! My dad just called me and was surprised that I didn't know!" Amy stands up with a calm expression on her face and stands so close to Lauren that their faces are only inches apart. "Maybe if you would spend more time at home than with your donkey of a boyfriend you would've known. I'm gonna go now." Donkey of a boyfriend? Wooow, what a harsh comment. I roll my eyes, I make better comebacks than that. On the other hand. Amy was never really mean to Lauren, maybe because she tries to get along with her? Who knows. "So, I can't make it to practice today, Karma has to do it without me. I'm so sorry." Her look is sincere, but you can still see the anger in her eyes. I look over to Shane as he rolls his eyes in despair. I look back to Lauren with a bit more pity in my expression than I intended. "It's fine, I can do that, and don't worry Shane there will be enough people." I start to walk to the exit, because if my time management is still on point it should ring about … now. I was right, the bell for the next period just rang as I exit the cafeteria. "Oh and trust me," I continue turning around to Shane who, of course, followed me, "I will make them attend practice." I turn on my heel and walk to my next period. Advanced chemistry. Oddly enough, I have that class with Amy. I never took her for the smart kind, but that might be because of her reputation and the fact, that she almost never attends any classes. Today must be my lucky day, because when I enter the classroom there she sits. I'm pretty fascinated by her nature. She looks nice, her features and everything are beautiful. But on the other hand, her clothes and her actions say otherwise. I don't really dig her clothes, I mean, yeah, they're somewhat fashionable. But only if we live in the 90s, grunge is not the go-to-style anymore. All the seats are already taken so I walk over to sit next to her. I bet everybody else is just scared of her, again something that I don't quite get. Yes, she can be mean, but most of the time she is rather quiet. "Hey, I guess you're my new lab partner." I actually smile at her while sitting down next to her. She has her head leaned on her hand while her elbow sits on the table. She turns her head to look at me with a raised eyebrow but says nothing. "So, it's nice to see you in this class every once in a while." She sighs and leans back, trying her death-stare on me, but I keep my smile up. "What do you want Asscroft?" I chuckle a bit. Sure, the wordplay was off and pretty lame, but at least she tried. "My name is Ashcroft." She rolls her eyes. I love how everybody thinks I'm too stupid to get jokes it always makes my day. "Seriously, just because you're friends with my stupid ass stepsister doesn't mean you need to talk to me. So just fuck off and leave me alone." She crosses her arms and fixes her eyes on the teacher who just walked in.

While our wonderful Ms Brothers does her lecture on biochemistry and what our next project will be about I pull out a phone and send a text message to the squad about how everybody who doesn't attend extra practice without a good reason will be kicked off. Amy looks over to me, again with this raised eyebrow. She always looks at me that way, like I disgust her or something. "You know that we're not allowed to text during class." I tilt my head to one side and crack a smile. "Since when do you care about the rules in this school?" She turns her head to the front again and taps her pen on the table. "I don't, but I figured that the perfect-straight-A-good-girl would." Cute, she tries to make fun of me. "Well, I'm not that good of a girl then, am I?" I wink at her when she turns her head to me again and listen to the rest of the lecture.  
>When the bell rings Amy gets up and looks at me while I pack my things. "So, what about tomorrow at 4pm at Starbucks?" I look at her confused and she points at the board. "The project, dumbass. I want to get it done, so tomorrow?" She's actually interested to finish a school project? Wow, that's new to me. Or well, she is in an AP class, so she must be interested in chemistry, right? I just shrug as an answer and walk away from her. I don't even have to turn around to know that she's frowning and pointing a finger after me. I can't help but smile, I love situations like that.<br>During practice Shane keeps complaining about how Lauren should be there and explain the lifts so that my group formations would make any sense. Lauren and I split the work equally and since she's not there we can't do any new lifts, which I find really annoying, but I can't change it. And somehow I can't concentrate, I feel like someone is watching us, but every time I look around, no one is there. I never feel paranoid without a reason. I dismiss the feeling eventually as false, but something tells me that I wasn't wrong. We go through some old routines and try to make them better. After an hour I decide that we did enough, mainly because I had enough of those people. I love being a cheerleader, but I hate those people. I know that I'm considered popular and that I should be happy for any attention, but I just dislike people. Sometimes I wish I could be the nerd I'm on the inside and hide in my room the whole day. But that's not how I work, I guess.  
>After practice I walk to my locker to get some of my books to study tonight. The moment I open it, a piece of paper falls from it. What is that? It's folded in half and when I open it, I see it's a letter.<p>

__Dear Karma__

__I really don't know why I'm writing is, or if I will ever give this to you, but I need to get something  
>off my chest. I don't even know how long I kept this in me, but I can't do this anymore. When you look at me, which is mostly accidentally, makes my heart skip a beat. You know, with these eyes that pierce right through my soul. I know you have your on and off flings and every week a new boytoy, but I seriously think I can put up with them and you are worth the competition. You are the Juliet to my Romeo, and if you'd disappear from my life, it would be worthless. The way you move, the way you talk, I don't know what it is about you, but everything makes me lose my grip. I saw you in the school's musical and let me tell you, you're flawlessly talented with your voice, I could listen to your angel-like tunes for the rest of my life. And don't let me start about your artistic behavior, I don't think there is anything that you can't do. Please don't think you're worthless, because your parents are more obsessed over Zen than you. I know that's something that bothers you. But trust me, you are perfect. You take my breath away. And that's not easy.<em>_

__A silent author and admirer.__

I start to frown. Who is this person? Is he a stalker? I never told anybody that my parents always obsess over Zen. Not even Lauren. How does this person know that? I put the letter in my bag and shut my locker. I look around the halls, but there is nobody to be seen. Maybe the feeling I had in the gym was that guy who wrote this letter.


	2. Chapter 2

I was sitting in Starbucks with the letter in my hands. This fucking letter was everything I could think about since the moment I received it. I spent the whole evening yesterday reading it again and again. Today I compared the handwriting with everyone's I know. I'm completely obsessed over this fucking letter and it drives me crazy. How can somebody write this to me? And how am I supposed to react? I try to think of somebody who would write something like that. But no one comes to mind. Nobody knows how I feel about my parents, nobody knows the reason, why I'm obsessed with good grades and being the good girl. But this person just belts it out there and he does it so nonchalant. I sigh and lean back in my chair, burying my face in my hand. Why is everything so hard? Why can't this be easy for once? I pick up the letter one more time and read it again and again. I still don't understand it. I put it away and open my textbook, maybe I can keep myself busy and stop thinking about this piece of shit. I start reading about WW2 and about how Hitler became the ruler in Germany. I glance over to the letter. No, come on, I have to ace the test tomorrow and this Hitler guy should be interesting, right? I continue reading and highlighting the important dates I still had to learn.

After reading the same paragraph for the fourth time I give up. With a huge sigh I close the book and grab the letter again. I don't read it, though. No, this time I just stare at it. This sounds way creepier than it is. I stare at it, I try to find the spark of sarcasm, the joke that I didn't get so far, because, clearly, that guy must be joking. "Secret admirer?" I jump from the voice and I swear my heart stops for a second. Amy sits down next to me and looks at me, again with this raised eyebrow. "God, you scared the shit out of me." She snorts while I check my pulse, that is incredible high which could not be healthy. "Where you really so caught up buy a stupid guy who sends you a creepy letter?" I blink rapidly and look at her. "How do you know it's a letter?" She snorts again and lets her finger trail to my hands. "I'm not blind, you know? I can read 'dear Karma'." She taps on the paper in my hands and withdraws her fingers to grab her textbook. "So let's get started, shall we? I don't want to spend my whole afternoon with you." She opens the book and searches for a specific chapter. "I was thinking about showing the others the influence of temperature in organic reactions, like this." She gives me her book and I'm too stunned to function. "You really want to work on school stuff? Since when?" She rolls her eyes and puts the book down in front of me. "Can you please just look at the fucking page? I want to get this done already." I looked down at the page and started to read. She already highlighted the important parts what confused me even more. "You already did most of the work? Okey, who are you? Seriously, I thought you're considered the school's troublemaker and people tell me to look out for you, because you might be dangerous." I knit my eyebrows when I see her fists clench. I decide to push it further. "You know, I never took you for the ballsy kind and I guess you just proved me right, have you? I mean, you're clearly a nerd, since you want to do all the work by yourself so it is perfect in your eyes." She drums her fingers on the table and bites down on her lip. She closes her eyes and tries to breath steady, you can even see her breast heaving as she takes deep breaths. She really tries to control herself and I guess when I say one more thing she's going to explode. I was just about to open my mouth when she opens her eyes to glare at me. "Don't you dare say something more or I swear I'm gonna rip your throat out." Whoa, harsh, I like it. I can't help but to smirk what I think makes her even more angry, considering that she clenches her fists even harder. "I just like chemistry, okay? Is that a bad thing? I'm just good at it and I like it. I'm never good at anything so can you please just give me some slack, I don't attack you either." She was right, she didn't. I wonder why that is. I never looked at it this way. I mean sure, she makes a comment every once in a while about how stupid I am, and how cheerleaders are oh so dumb, but she never attacks me personally. In fact, she attacks everybody, but Lauren and me. Why doesn't she? It doesn't make sense to me at all. "Can we now please continue, like I said, I have other plans for today." Well, I can't blame her, can I? Chemistry is something rather interesting.

Half an hour in our assignment my phone buzzes. I have a feeling this is something I want to know so I pull my phone out, gaining a death glare from Amy, but I ignore it. Great, a message in the group chat from the bimbos. That's what I call the squad, since they basically do everything you tell them, when you threaten them with something. Like yesterday when I told them I would kick them off the squad. The message is just a picture of two bottles of nail polish with the exact same color from two different brands and the caption "I don't know which one to use for the party tomorrow." Oh yeah, tomorrow was this great party at Shane's, and I have to attend it. It is always great fun, I have to admit that, but it gets lame at some point. "Why are you even friends with them? They should be under you radar." Amy snaps me out of my thoughts. She read the message I just got and went back to writing stuff down on cards for the presentation. "Well, people need friends, and they do my popularity status a favor with existing and looking quite cute." Amy lets her pen fall and lifts her head to look at me with wide eyes. "You really bother about this popularity thing, don't you?" I just shrug and start to write stuff down from the book. "Well yeah, this is high school. And one of the bimbos might marry a rich guy that could do me a favor, you know? This would be to my obvious advantage. I don't care about their personal life or anything, but I have to plan the rest of my life." Amy shakes her head slightly and looks at me with big eyes and parted lips. "I don't get it, Karma. You're smart, way smarter than anyone else in school, why are you even talking to them? You're better than them." I continue writing the stuff down I have to remember. "Why yes I am, but who cares about that? Intelligence is not all if you don't have to looks. Our society is sick." Amy mumbles something in response, but I don't get what she says. I ignore it though, because I actually don't care what she said. "Let's not talk about it anymore, we still have to finish this."

Thinking about it, Amy really is nice. What I don't really get, why is she so nice to me? Since when is she nice? She's been mean to everybody ever since her father left her and her mother. I hate it when things are not clear to me. Almost everything is clear to me, everything but this fucking letter and .. her … Wait a second … I look over to the letter and then to Amy who is caught up in her work. Could it be? Is there a connection between Amy and the letter? I bite my lip while staring at the paper in front of me. There might be a connection, but then this was clearly a joke. Well, considering it has to be a joke, it would fit her scheme. She doesn't tease me in the open, instead she fucks with my head via letter. She knew I would never tell anyone about it. "Are you alright? Do you have a problem understanding something?" I look up at her and she has this look of concern that people get, when they pity someone. "No everything's fine. But I think we're done for today, right?" Her frown turned into a small smile, followed by a chuckle. Maybe I was wrong, maybe she just genuinely likes me and has nothing to do with this stupid letter. "Yeah, I finished my part a few minutes ago, are you done, too?" I look down on my cards where quotes from the letter are scribbled in between the lines of my chemistry notes. "Yeah, I guess. There is not much more I can do today." I blink rapidly before looking up at her again. She still has this smile on her face, but when she shakes her head the smile is gone. It was like she remembered something. Something like she remembered she was supposed to hate me. It was weird.

The next day in school was pretty normal, I abandoned the letter today and left it at home. I can't deal with it in school. I was sitting in the courtyard, listening to Lauren and Shane rant about yet another drama that Justin Bieber had caused. I sigh and pull out my iPod. After putting it on shuffle and hitting the play button, my brain is filled with lyrics sung by Nicky Minaj. What the fuck? I don't listen to rap music?! Damn you, Lauren, she must've "borrowed" it as she calls it. She always does stuff like that, taking something and giving it back without me noticing it was gone in the first place. So she took my iPod this time and put her music on it. She says I need a musical intervention. I listen to too much emo-music. I didn't know that pop-punk and hard-rock are considered emo, but whatever. I was now listening to a song called bang bang. I love Jessie J, but I'm not really fond of Nicky Minaj and Ariana Grande. It's a good song to be honest, and better than anything related to Justin Bieber. This kid needs to grow up. After the song has ended, I put away the device again, because I feel a tap on my shoulder. "So you're coming to my party tonight, right? I know this guy, he would love to meet you." The way he emphasizes on the word love makes me shiver. He looks at me with a huge grin and I feel that my eyes are about to roll, but I stop them and just sigh instead. "You are into college guys, right?" He moves his eyebrows up and down and I really don't know if I'm in the mood for this game. "You know I only go for college guys." He looks over to Lauren and they share a look as if they share a joke. "Well this guy is really special. He studies English literature and we all know that AP English is your favorite subject." It is, he wasn't lying there, but why should something like that make this guy any less boring? I just shrug and stand up. "So you wanna meet this guy?" Do I have a choice? I put on the best fake smile I've got. "Yeah sure, why not?" And walk away. Why do they always want to set me up with somebody? It's never more than a one-night-stand and I really don't want anything like a relationship at the moment.

I walk up to my locker and when I open it I have a deja-vu. A ltetter flies to the ground, just like two days ago. I close my eyes and let my head fall, before grabbing the piece of paper from the ground.

_Well Karma,_

_I never thought I would say something like that, but I have to honest: I think I might love you. The way you wander the halls, how you know and answer to every question the teacher asks you. Or maybe it's the way you eat you peanut-butter-sandwiches, I really don't know what it is about you that makes you so utterly adorable, that I can't look away from you. Thinking about it, there is only one thing that is not as attractive as it should be: your friends. Ditch the bimbos, and join someone else. You are better than them. And just so you know, intelligence is something mayorly attractive, so don't ever try to hide you mind. Like the one time you did back in elementary school. Do you remember? The time you liked this guy and pretended that he was the smartest kid? You downgraded yourself just so he could feel superior. And he didn't even like you back.  
>And I saw you looking for me the last days. Don't bother, please. You could never find me. I know you better than you know yourself and I admire you since I know you. And we met a decade ago. Seriously, just give up and accept that I exist. That's all you have to do.<br>But I want to end this letter on a positive note, like your urge to be the good girl. Don't you see Karma? Good girls don't exist, they're just bad girls pretending to fit in. Stop pretending and be the perfect human being that you really are._

_And old childhood friend_

I shake my head and read the letter again. And then again. And again, until I can almost memorize every written word. Who is this guy? Why does he know so much about me? He says we know each other since kindergarten and I only know two people from back then: Amy and Liam. And the fact that the whole letter is about things I talked about with Amy is more than suspicious, but then again it can't be Amy. Maybe it's Liam, he had a crush on my in third grade. I run my hand through my hair and try to clear my head.

The next thing I know is that I stand in the chemistry lap with a Bunsen burner in one hand and the letter in the other, a call brought be back to reality. I don't know how I got here, nor what I'm doing here, but it seems like I was just about to burn the hell out of this piece of shit. Wait, a call brought me back? Who called my name? I turned around to face principal Penelope who was standing there with a fire extinguisher in my hand. That's when I realize that I'm covered in white stuff. "Mrs Ashcroft, what exactly do you think you're doing?" I shake my head, I still had to process the fact that I was in the chemistry lap, the last thing I knew was that I was in front of my locker. And now I'm here, I think I might be in trouble. "Karma! What are you doing here?!" Her voice got harsher and I open my mouth to say something, but I can't think of anything that would be plausible. "I'm sorry Karma, but I have to give you detention." What? I hear the Bunsen burner hit the ground as my mouth flung open. I've never got detention in my life. "No, please don't! I don't even know how I got here! I had a complete blackout! Please don't do this! This goes to my record!" She puts her lips into a small line and


	3. Chapter 3

Fuck, how did I end up here? I sit in the back of the detention room, approximately 5 minutes before it starts and look at the people who enter the room. I shake my head with every new face. I seriously don't belong here. I place my elbows on my table and bury my face in my hands. Suddenly I hear hysterical laughter with a familiar voice. Oh god, please not her. "Well well well, who have we here?" I take a deep breath before lifting my head from my hands and look at the blonde girl with a raised eyebrow, as always, smiling down at me. "What does the straight-A-good-girl do in the detention room? Are you lost?" She chuckles at her own joke and sits down right in front of me, still facing me. Liam, who almost never leaves her side in school sits down next to her, facing the board. "No, I'm not lost. And it's none of your business why I'm here." I lean back in my chair and cross my arms. She leans her arms on her backrest and looks me up and down. "Wow, what crawled up your butt? You're even ruder that usual." I roll my eyes and pull a face. "Oh please, how would you know how I usually am? And who are you to talk, you're the number one bully in this school." She snorts, her eyes never leaving mine. "I only tell dumb people the truth, if that makes me a bully, then so be it." I meet her gaze and clench my fists for a second. Why can't she leave me alone? "So then, tell me, why are _you_ here?" She tilts her head slightly and smiles at me. "Well that's an easy one, you can pick. I skipped classes, I got busted sneaking around the office, smoking on school ground and I broke into school last night. Pick your favorite." She says with a wink. "You can close your mouth now, it's not a big deal, just detention for another month." I haven't realized that my mouth is open and I try to close it, but it's not really working. "They could easily suspend you." She just chuckles again what makes me kind of aggressive. "They would never suspend their second best student, you know?" She winks at me again and turns around to talk to Liam.

Second best student? Is she serious? I knew she's good in chemistry, but the rest? Or was she messing with me? Oh for fuck's sake! I was so much better at this shit! The stupid letter confuses the fuck out of me! I grab in my pocket and grab the letter. I didn't listen to the stuff the teacher said, I just stared at the letter. Why does this letter take so much room in my head? Why? Like seriously, I need to figure out which asshole sent me this piece of crap. "Still this letter?" I shoot up and meet Amy's eyes. She turned around again and I look around the classroom. "Where is Mr Hart?" She looks around, too and meets my eyes again. "He always leaves us here and randomly checks on us. Pretty boring, he's nothing like Penelope, with her you can just walk out for two hours and then come back." I shake my head. She is way too often in detention. "So, this letter really gets to you, huh?" I look at her, shake my head and look at the letter again. "It's not the same letter, not that this should be any of your interest." She leans forward and before I can process what happens, she grabs the letter from my hands and starts reading it. When she comes towards the end she bursts out laughing. Is she even for real?! "How dare you?! Give it back! Immediately!" She doesn't stop laughing and the whole room looks at us. "Fine fine, here you go." She hands it back to me and the people around us look away again, dismissing the situation as childish .. probably. I would do that if I was them. I wish I was them and not the person to who it's happening. "But hey, I remember the guy, too. Wasn't his name Tommy or something?" I groan and roll my eyes, right before burying my face in my hands. Why does everybody remember that? I know what I did was dumb, but come on! I was young and stupid! "Oh what an awesome memory." She still laughs. I hate her … I think. How can I hate somebody who was once my best friend? Oh who cares. But there is one thing that actually keeps my interest. "Why did you break into the school?" Her laughter dies and she looks at me with a smirk. "Oh wouldn't you like to know?" I roll my eyes and look away from her. "Fine, don't tell me." She raises her eyebrow and licks her lip, kinda hot when I think abo... what the fuck? What am I even thinking about?

"How about you tell me why you're here and I tell you why I'm here. It has something to do with the breaking in, so I would be answering your question." I look at her and she winks at me. I sigh, why is she like that? She acts like we're friends again. Thinking about it, we both somehow even act like friends on some level. "No speaking during detention!" Mr Hart's voice caught me off guard and I almost fall backwards with my chair. Damn you clumsiness. And Amy just bursts out into laughter again. "Raudenfeld, would you like to tell me what's so funny?" He sends him a dismissive hand motion and tries to control herself. "Nothing, I just thought of something funny." Mr Hart rolls his eyes and leaves the room again. "Fine." She turns to me and smiles. "What?" "Oh you know what I mean, I tell you why I'm here." Where is the comparison anyway? I didn't do anything illegal. "I went to the chem lab and wanted to burn the letter, but Penelope caught me, your turn." Her smile grew and she had to hold back not to laugh. "Why would you do something like that?" I shake my head an cross my arms again. "Nope that was not the game, now you tell me why you're here." She raises her eyebrow again and bites her lip, that must be another habit of hers. "Fine, but then I won't give you any real reasons either." She winks again. Like seriously, she does all the signs of flirting and I really don't know if she does it to flirt or to provoke me. Which is kinda the same, but yeah. "So I was in the principal's office, yesterday, and I tried to find something, something important, but they busted me and threw me out. So I went back last night to get it, and I found it, but again, the janitor managed to see me. I don't know how, but he did. He's a weirdo anyway. But for a reason I can't tell you, they didn't suspend me, but only gave me detention for another month." I sigh, she really knows how to make somebody interested, but I won't be nosy, I can't break down. I bet it's not even something interesting. "So you're not the second best student in the school, huh?" I say opening my book to finally do something productive for the rest of detention. "Who knows." She turns around and leaves me alone for the rest of detention.

Only one time I heard Liam say something to her. He asked her how it comes that a good girl like me is in detention and Amy just answered. "Didn't you know? Good girls are bad girls who haven't been caught." I'd like to get out off this crazy train now. I'm not sure if she believes what she says, or if she only said it because it says something similar in the letter. This really fucks with my head, I have to get drunk to forget it … hopefully it works. When everybody heads out I hear Mr Hart calling Amy to talk to her. I couldn't help my curiosity and went to the door to eavesdrop. "Look Amy, I would really appreciate if you'd participate in the reading. And think about my offer with the AP English class again, it would be an honor to have you there." "I told you it's not my thing and the reading, well, I really don't wanna do it. Why can't someone else do it?" "We chose your text, because it was the best one." "Who care, just pick another. It's so lame and I fucking don't want to." "That's really a pity that you think so. But I still hope you're going to join my class." Amy sighs and I hear footsteps coming to the door. This is my cue to go. But what the fuck? Amy really is a good student, why does she fuck everything up with being a troublemaker? And a lame one to be honest. Oh whatever

After the detention I went directly to Shane's house. I didn't want to face my parents right now. Shane stood in front of the mirror, trying on the fifth outfit he put together, still not quite happy with his choice. "I really don't get why you were in detention, what's up with you these days?" I sit on his bed, looking at his ceiling. "I don't know either, there's just so much on my mind. And don't worry about detention, it won't happen anymore. That was a one time thing." He fixes his bow tie, while he turns to me and rolls his eyes. "Obvi. And have you noticed? Liam and Amy were looking at us all the time today. I don't know why exactly, but if I had to guess I would say it has something to do with you." He turns around again and searches for outfit number six. "They did? I guess I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice. But I don't know, Amy actually acts really weird around me since yesterday. All nice and caring. Or not really caring, but you know, interested and stuff. She's nosy and keeps winking at me and I don't know what." Shane turns around again with a huge smirk on his face. "Well well well, who would've thought that the Amy Raudenfeld would fall for you." I sit up straight with a raised eyebrow and stare at him. "Say what now?" He walks to the bed and stands right in front of me "Well she's flirting with you, girl. And look, she stared at you the whole time today. You really impressed her with something." More the other way round, but I couldn't tell him that. I mean I never thought of Amy as somebody intelligent or smart, but she must be. Maybe I will talk to her. In that moment my phone buzzes, Shane looks at me with an even bigger smirk than before and I grab my phone to see I have a new message.

_I think we have to go over the project once more, I'll come to your house tomorrow. _

What the hell? Where did she get my number? How did she … Oh wait, she has access to Lauren's room. Okay makes sense … Wait … Oh gosh she's coming to my house tomorrow. Shane takes my phone from my hands and even though I didn't want that I don't move to get it back. "Is that Amy? How did she get your number?" He throws the phone next to me and returns to his wardrobe problem. "Lauren, I guess. Shane what do I do? She's coming to my place tomorrow? I don't know if I can handle that." Without turning around Shane laughs at me. "That actually sounds like you're interested in her, too." He stops what he's doing and turns around quickly, his face in shock. "Are you interested in a sexual relationship with Amy Raudenfeld?" I pull a face and shake the thought off that it sounds kinda okay to me. "What, no. Never. She's really not my type." Shivers run down my spine as I think of her. Me and Amy … I don't know why, but it really sounds okay … I haven't had a girl in a long time … and it's no secret that Amy likes to call herself sapphic. I groan about my own thoughts and bury my head in my hands. I sound like a thirsty 15-year-old, just wanting to get some. "Oh come on, it's not that bad, I heard she's coming tonight. If you don't like Toby, hence the guy I told you about, maybe you can hit it off with her." He winks at me and I groan once more, louder than before. "And I think I found my outfit for tonight. The only thing left to do is calling Lauren over so you can change in something better." He eyes me up and down and I only roll my eyes.

The party is pretty lame and the guy Shane was talking about is a boring nerd. And he's back with another vodka cranberry for him and a beer for me. And I feel like I should be joking about that. Is this guy for real? With his big glasses, button up shirt, that he buttoned up all the way, and his weird, 35-year-old-man-business-haircut. I have the urge to puke and I'm not even drunk. He is very much so. But that's the only thing that's interesting, because the things he talks about get more controversial with every drink. Right now he keeps talking about the great short stories in literature and just the moment I want to yawn he looks at somebody behind me and snorts disgusted. "Lesbians. That is really something against nature. I mean gay guys, sure, but lesbians?" Lesbians? At Shane's Hester party? There are never … The moment I turn around to see who he's talking about there was a huge sting in my chest. Amy really came. With some girl, some pretty girl. Shivers run down my spine, again, when I see them dancing together in the living room, occasionally making out. When I turn around again Toby looks at me, "Yeah, right? Something disgusting." I hadn't realized I pulled a face so I quickly shake my head and glare at him. "So why exactly is that disgusting?" He just shrugs and takes a sip from his drink. "Well it's just unnatural. Girls just want to experience something different, but in the end, guys are the only one to give them real pleasure." I shake my head and stare at him in disbelief. "Okay wait, you say that girls need guys to have a good time?" He nods and smiles. "You see, penetration is the only right way to satisfy a girl, and only guys can do that." I let out a disbelieving laugh and stare at him with my mouth open. "You do know that I'm a bisexual, right?" He still smiles and nods again. "Yeah, right. You are a girl who likes to make out with girls and then go back to sleep with guys, so nothing bad really." I blink a few times and shake my head. "You're serious .. you're really serious. I can't believe it." And with those words I just walk off. I walk up to Lauren who stands her with her boyfriend Tommy and she just looks at Amy. "So what's up?" She turns to me in a furious manner and glares at me. "Why is she here?" I look at Amy who's still dancing with that chick and turn to Lauren again. "How should I know? And why does everybody care?" When she turns to her again I decide that it doesn't have any sense in talking to her. I say hi to Tommy and walk up to one of the bedrooms.

In the bedroom I sigh and sit down on the bed. I don't know why I'm here. I hate noise and I hate people. Here are both, but I guess that's the burden that comes with being popular. I pull out the letter from my pocket, the second letter, and read it again. Maybe this really wrote someone who means it. Maybe this person really is in love with me. But then this person really deserved pity, because I'm not able to love anyone. And I really shouldn't, either, I only ruin people's lives. "Why does this letter get to you so much?" I jump and look up in panic, but it's just Amy again. She stands in front of me with crossed arms and a quite worried expression on her face. I run my hand through my hair to loosen it a bit and look at her. "Aren't you supposed to be with you date?" She raises her eyebrow and sits down next to me. "Who, Soleil? She's not my date, trust me she could never be. She's just some hottie I have fun with every once in a while." I roll my eyes and pull a face. "Don't act like you don't do that, you have a new guy like every week, Lauren told me." I don't answer her, not because she's right, what she sadly is, but because I don't want to have another stupid discussion today. We sit there in a moment of silence before Amy starts talking again. "You know what? You letter got me thinking. Do you remember how we were best friends in kindergarten?" I look at her. "Yeah, of course I remember, I remember almost everything." She scratches her head and smiles awkwardly. "Why aren't we that close anymore?" I let out a laugh and look at her. "Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You don't remember that you just stopped talking to me after I tried my best to keep your head up after you father left you? Do you seriously not remember?" Amy gets smaller with every sentence I half-yell at her and runs her hand through her hair. "Well .. yeah, I kinda remember, but … I really miss that." I stand up and cross my arms, glaring at her. "Great that you miss it, Amy. You could've thought earlier about that, don't you think? Now if you excuse me, I have to not be here anymore." I walk up to the door, but before I can open it she grabs me hand. "Karma please, I know I'm a mess, and I know I've made mistakes in the past. But doesn't it count anything that I'm here right now? That I came to this party to talk to you? I know you haven't told you friends about the letters and I want to help you find the guy who wrote them. Please let me be there for you like you were for me, please. Just give me this one chance to make things right again." I sigh and free my hand from hers. I look at her bright green eyes as they stare back at me. I hate myself right now, because how could I say no to her? "You're kinda ten years to late, you can be glad that I'm a sucker for good apologies," that wasn't a good one, but whatever. "I think about it, okay? I'll let you know tomorrow when you come to my place." And before she can say anything else I'm out the door, searching for Shane.


	4. Chapter 4

I went to bed early last night and was up early today. Shane's party sucked ass and I really didn't want to stay with Amy there. She wants to help me figure out who wrote the letter. Is she genuine or will she tell the whole school about it? Both are very possible options and I don't know. Thinking about it I might trust her. She seemed really sad that we weren't friends anymore. But it's Amy and she's incredible good at lying since she does it all the time. Oh I don't know. I groan frustrated while sitting at the kitchen table. My mother looks up from her newspaper and tilts her head slightly. "Is everything alright sweetie?" Oh as if she cared. I shake my head and sigh. "It's nothing, just a lot of schoolwork, that's all." She looks back down and takes a sip from her tea. "I don't get why you stress so much about school, Zen never did and look where he ended up." I pull a face and roll my eyes. My favorite subject: My brother Zen. He perfect son, with good grades and the Peace Court, he has oh so much integrity and is better at everything. I hate being with my parents, they always let me feel that I'm not good enough for them. Who would've thought that hippies can make you feel unloved. "So how is school? And how's your love life? I saw a major shift coming in your horoscope." My mother looked up again and I quickly faked a smile. "My love life is not existing and I'm the best student in the whole school, so everything is perfect." She starts to frown and I know exactly what follows now. "But darling, love is so much more important than school, why don't you find yourself a nice guy and be happy for once?" Perfect. The ideal addition for this ruined morning. Why didn't I stay in bed? Why didn't I just starve myself while waiting for Amy. "I don't want a nice guy, I don't want anybody in my life right now. It's too distracting." now she frowns even more. "Distracting? From what? You're a teenager, nothing is more important than love." "Well except school, school activities, college applications and so on." She shakes her head while I get up to return my plate to the kitchen. I really don't want to be here anymore. "You worry too much, and why do you think about college now? I mean you're a sophomore. You have enough time to figure stuff out." I don't want to have that conversation now, so I go upstairs to my room. "Oh, Amy is coming by later, can you let her in?" My parents look at each other and then at me again. "Amy? As in Amy Raudenfeld? Since when are you friends again?" My father questions and I just sigh. "Not at all, but maybe we will." I'm just about to turn and go up when my mother's voice rings through my ears. "Karma you know you can tell us if you like girls, we would be absolutely fine with it." I draw my shoulders up to my ears and shut my eyes. Are they serious? Why would they say anything like that? "What? No! She's just my lab partner!" I never thought I would defend myself in front of my parents because of Amy Raudenfeld. Having a lesbian daughter. That would be the perfect way to really lose against Zen and I really don't want that. I go up to my room before my parents can say anything else.

I go up to my bookshelf. In what world am I gonna crawl up now? I should read "The Awakening" by Kate Chopin for AP English, but I already read it once and I can't bare the story again. I finally decide to grab my favorite book of all time "When I was Five I killed Myself". It sounds way more depressing than it is and I just love it. How can somebody write such an amazing book? I put my music on shuffle and sit down in my reading chair. Yes, I have a reading chair. It's what I need on days like that. The moment I start to read, the story just sucks me in with everything it has. Just the first chapter, the way it ends. "I layed down on the floor. I stuck out my pointer finger and pointed it at my head. And I pushed down my thumb. And I killed myself." I love this book, it has everything.

I don't know how much time had passed, but I was halfway through the book when suddenly the music changed. I look up and see Amy standing at my computer, looking through my music. "What do you think you're doing?" I put down the book at my small dresser next to it and fold my hands on my lap. She looks up and grins. "I want to show you something. Hi by the way." I wait for her to finish her search and I think I recognize this song, but I'm not sure. "What is this?" She stands up straight and looks at me with her signature raised eyebrow. "Just listen, nerd." I roll my eyes, but do as I'm said.

_She's a good girl  
>She's Daddy's favourite<br>He's saved for Harvard  
>He know she'll make it<br>She's good at school  
>She's never truant<br>She can speak French  
>I think she's fluent <em>

Oh is she even for real? Why does she show me a song like that? Her eye don't leave mine and I start to look around my room.

_'Cause every night she studies hard in her room__  
><em>_At least that's what her parents assume__  
><em>_But she sneaks out the window to meet with her boyfriend__  
><em>_Here's what she told me the time that I caught 'em_  
>Okay the her taste in music is fine, but seriously, why is she showing me .. how are they called? 5 Seconds of Summer? That's them, right?<p>

_She said to me:__  
><em>_"Forget what you thought__  
><em>_'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught.__  
><em>_So just turn around and forget what you saw__  
><em>_'Cause good girls are bad girls that haven't been caught."_

Wait a second, now I get it. That's what she said to Liam in detention. I get up and walk to my laptop and shut it close. I glare at her. "Why are you showing me this? What do you want to achieve with that?" She just smiles at me, gosh why is she so weird? "It reminded me of you, so I wanted to show it to you," she looks around the room for a second, before her gaze returned to my eyes. "There's a difference, though. You really study in you room every night, and you don't want your friends to know it." I don't think I'm able to answer anything, I can't think of anything. What the fuck? "It's such a funny controversy, think about it. You're the best in school and so incredible intelligent, and you still want to be a cheerleader, you go on parties you find lame and hook up with guys you're not interested in. Why do you do that?" She came closer while she spoke and is now only a few inches away from my face. I swallow hard and look at her eyes. I never noticed how beautiful they are, how magnificent the color is and how deep they look. So piercing, so hurt. My breath hitches when I feel her breath on my lips. "I don't know, maybe because the social status is important to me." She looks me deep in the eye and none of us moves. "What are you reading?" "Huh?" Her question caught me off guard. I wasn't prepared for this sudden change of topic. "I asked you what you're reading. You seemed so in to it, you didn't even notice me come in." She backs off again and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding it. "I read a book?" She chuckles lightly and sits down at my desk. "I can see that, but tell me about the book." I sigh and sit down in my reading chair, taking the book from the drawer and look at it. "It's called When I Was Five I Killed Myself and is by Howard Buton." She raises an eyebrow and smiles a bit. "That doesn't sound like a happy book." I roll my eyes and look at her. "It's not. It's about an 8-year-old boy who's in a home for autistic children. Nobody understands him, it's fist person narrator and seriously the best book ever written. He did something, and in the end you find out what he did. You should read it." She smiles at me with this genuine smile and I didn't realize I was smiling, too. She gets up and takes the book from my hands to read the back. "Is it at least legit? Like do children really think like that?" I roll my eyes again and glare at her. "The author was a doctor at a mental hospital, so I guess he knows a few things, don't you think?" She looks up at me and smiles again. In this moment I swear I saw her pupils increase in size. "Do you mind if I take your copy?" I just shake my head and stare at her.

"Change of topic, did you finish your part of the assignment, or do you need help with it?" She seriously jumps too fast from topic to topic, people do that when they're hiding something. What are you hiding, Raudenfeld? "I'm done, actually. Finished it in detention, and as if I needed any help in chemistry." A smirk creeps up on her face and she turns to the computer. "Great, so we can get to the important stuff." I raise my eyebrow and get up from my chair. "Important stuff?" I ask while I walk to my desk. "The letters and their author. I mean I should be able to find him." I grab the backrest of the chair and turn it so that she faces me. "Slow down for a second, I never said you could help me. On the contrary, I think it would be a huge mistake if you would." She smirks and leans a bit forward. Why do her pupils increase when she looks at me? "Why would it be a mistake?" Why do pupils increase in general? I've learned this in biology. "Because I don't trust you." There are many reasons why they could increase, but right now I can only think of one. "Maybe we can change that." If I'm right, then Shane was right, too. And that can't be happening. "Okay, then tell me why you broke into the school." She leans back, crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow. I have to call Shane when she's gone. "Fine, I'll tell you. But promise me, you won't freak out." I tilt my head slightly and look at her. "Why should I?" She's still smiling, how can somebody smile that much? "You'll see. So First thing's first, I went to the office during day time to get a tape from the surveillance camera to look something up. But before I hacked myself into the system I got busted. But I really wanted to see the footage, because I need to find something out about Liam. He's not telling me something, something rather important and I want to find out if I'm right. So I went to the school in the night time and walked to the janitor's office, where all the monitors are. I snuck in and, again, got busted, by the janitor. But I've seen what I wanted to see, so it was worth it." I take a deep breath and look at her. "And what exactly did you see?" She breathes out a laughter and grins at me. "Well, I saw you after the extra practice and how you received the letter, but that was not the important part. Liam was there, too. He has a history as a drug dealer. I don't know why he did that back then, but it's something where I draw the line. So I never did it and made him promise to never do it again, but he did. And that makes me quite aggressive, cause he lied to me. But yeah, now you know the reason." I shake my head in disbelief. I don't care about Liam selling drugs or I don't know what he did, but she saw the tape. That means she might know who did it. "You're wondering who put the letter in your locker, aren't you?" Her voice brings me back to reality and I just stare at her. "Did you see it?" She chuckles lightly and looks me in the eyes. "I saw only two people on the tape other than you. Liam and the guy Liam sold stuff to. The math isn't really hard, is it?" If she's making one more sentence into a question, I swear I'm gonna strangle her. But she's right. If there were only two people then … "Who was the other person?" Her grin turns wicked and she suppresses a laugh. "Oh you don't want to know." So I know the person. So I would never think bad of the person. Who is it? It can't be Lauren, that's for sure, she was with Amy at the dinner. It couldn't possibly be Shane, right? He would never do drugs. Or would he? "It's not Shane." I shake my head and stare at her with wide eyes. "Okay, now you freak me out. How did you possibly know I was thinking that?" She breaks out in laughter again. How nice that I amuse her with my panic. "It's easy, Shane and Lauren are your best friends, they are the fist people you think of. So when I told you you didn't want to know, you just assumed them. Since Lauren was at the dinner, it could only be Shane." She smiles proudly when my mouth drops. "I seriously never took you for the smart kind, Raudenfeld. I'm impressed." She turns around to the computer again and flips through Facebook. "Thanks, so since it could only be two people, it should be easy to figure out who wrote those letters, right?" I lean over her shoulder and as I do it, I see the hair on her arms rise, and I hear her breath hitch. Okay, now it's just obvious that she has feelings for me. She opens two pages. The first one is Liam's and the second one … no way … Tommy? Lauren's boyfriend? He does drugs? "Wow, I really didn't want to know. It can't be Tommy." From the corner of my eye I see her smile. "It could be somebody completely different, I just happened to see those two there. Somebody else could have been there before them. But these two are the main suspects. Sure, Tommy has a girlfriend, who is you best friend. But that's the perfect motive, don't you think? Anonymous letters. The perfect thing for somebody deeply in guilt." She is right, though. "On the other hand, Liam, the tough guy, doesn't want to show feelings in public. I catch him looking at you a few times a day," Yeah and Shane catches you looking at me, "so he really could be the author. There is just one problem with both of them." We look at each other for a moment. She has this expression like she waits for me to get something. And I think I get it. "They're writing skills are no way good enough to write a romantic letter. So it can't be them." She smiles and nods. "Nice observation. I know both of their English scores and trust me, they're not capable of writing one grammatical correct sentence." I sigh and let myself fall backwards on my bed. "This is just hopeless. How will I ever find this person?" I feel the bed move next to me and see that Amy sat down at the edge of my bed. "We will find this guy, trust me. I will help you find him." How is she so different to me than to anybody else? "Why are you so nice to me?" Her look shifts and flees my gaze. "I don't know, it's just that I'm really melancholic from time to time. And you once meant the world to me. It's quite a while ago, I know, but I still feel the same about you." Do I see blush on her face? She's seriously red, I can't help but chuckle a bit at the sight. "It's not funny, okay? I'm serious. I just want us to be friends again." I sit up and look at her. "That's seriously cute." And who knows, maybe this letter has it's goods with bringing Amy back into my life. "Don't say I'm cute." She pulls a face and looks away with an overdramatic head turn. I breathe out a laughter and nudge her shoulder lightly. "So you don't want to be called cute?" She wrinkles her nose and glares at me. "I'm not cute, okay? I could never be cute." "Oh right, you want to be a badass, and they can't be cute." She looks away again and fumbles with her fingers. It's way too easy to provoke her.

We sit there for hours, just talking, me provoking her, and her just being cute as hell. At one point she decides to go, because it's getting late and she has to be home for dinner. "Oh, does the sweet little girl play by the rules of her mother?" She sighs deeply and tries to ignore my comment. I walk her to the door and just before she goes she turns around again. "We're friends, right?" Caught off guard by the question I look at her with a raised eyebrow. "Sure we are, I would never talk to somebody like that if we weren't friends." She lets out a deep breath and smiles at me. "And friends can hug, right?" There was this hope in her eyes. The slight shift of color that made me see, that she genuinely missed me all those years. Instead of answering verbally I pull her in for a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her neck to pull her in. Her hands find a way around my waist and she pulls me closer by grabbing the sides of my sweater. She buries her head in my shoulder and I breathe in her scent. She smells sweet, like a summerday. Nothing at all like a badass troublemaker. I pull away and look at her with a smile. Her eyes are closed for another second and when she opens them the green in her eyes is glowing so bright, I never thought eyes could look like that. "Thank you." She says before turning on her heal and making her way down my porch. "I'm the one who has to thank you, my dear." I lean against the doorframe and watch her as she turns her head with a bright smile on her face, still walking.

When she's out of sight I close the door and walk up to my room again. Before I can enter, my mother calls for me. "Is your girlfriend staying for dinner?" I sigh deeply and bang my head against my door. "She's not my girlfriend and she just left." Before my mother could say anything else, I enter my room and shut the door. I grab my phone and dial Shane's number. When he picks up I'm the first to talk. "You were right. And I have the feeling it's a good thing."


	5. Chapter 5

"These obnoxious little twats!" I tossed my bag next to Amy who sat with her back against a tree in the school yard. "Oh we're into English swearing nowadays?" She looked up from her book, or well, my book so to speak. She was reading "When I Was Five I Killed Myself", the book I gave to her Saturday. "I thought about the word brats, but it just didn't fit, it needed to be stronger and I look a lot of Skins reruns lately." I say while plopping myself down next to her. I knew she had a free period the same time I had one, so I figured why not hang with her? Liam, Shane and Lauren had classes, so I usually go to the library and Amy, well … I had no clue what Amy usually does in free periods. Burgling I guess, or something else that's absolutely stupid. "And who are these _twats_?" She raises her eyebrow and puts away the book, to concentrate on my rambling. "Everybody?! I mean, look at them! They are all so useless! They are asked one easy question about "The Awakening" and the symbol of feminism and everybody is out of their mind! How stupid can people in a fucking AP English class be?! They should at least be interested in reading if they get reading assignments all the time. And it isn't even a long novel, I've read it in less than a day! Five hours maximum!" She snorts and represses further laughter. "Well, that's kinda the thing in English class, nobody there really cares. So why would you care?" I sigh and pick up a book from my bag. "Because of these." She tilts her head a bit and looks at me confused. "Well, you know my library-like room?" She nods once. "I've read almost every book in there and I plan on reading more." She shakes her head a bit and looks at me confused. "What? No, that can't be. How could you even read so many books in your whole life?" My ears are starting to burn and I have the feeling that my head slowly gets the color of a tomato. "Well, ever since I could read, I read. Like really read, I sat in my room and read books. I think I started with Alice in Wonderland, got to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and The Witches. I read every classic children's book and then went on to real literature." I draw quotes in the air when I say the word "real", because let's face it, children books are also real literature, so fascinating, so full of fantasy. I love them. Amy makes a face like she just remembered something, but in just a second the expression is gone and replaced by her familiar expression. "Wow, you really must like books." I sigh again and nod. "But … why?" That's a good question and I think about that a lot. What is it that's so fascinating about books? "Well, you see … I started reading when I had nobody, so they were my harbor, my secret refuge. They caught me when I was falling, and I fell a lot. I guess without my books I would be an outcast right now, a misfit." Amy just nods and thinks about something. We sit there for a few minutes in silence, and I can't help but to think about why I trust her so easily … I never trust people with my thoughts, not even Shane knows how many books I really read. That when I say I listen to music, I often listen to audiobooks to flee the conversation. Why do I tell her stuff about me? We only cleared the air between us two days ago. How does she have this impact on me? I don't get it. She is the one who breaks the silence. "I always considered myself as well-read, since I read a lot in my free periods and at night, but do you think you could … like educate me? In literature, I mean." I remember her talk with Mr Hart, and his pleading for her to join his … and my … English class. I look at her a bit startled. "Well, I'm good at writing, I'm good at writing about already written stuff, I love writing papers and I don't know, I don't think I've read enough books to make my papers perfect, you know? And you read … well a lot. You're like Al- …. a living library." That's not what she wanted to say, but what did she want to say? I'm too lazy to ask her, though so I keep my mouth shut and nod. "So you will help me?" I breathe out a small laughter, "Yeah, of course, buttface. I'd do nothing rather than helping people to become smarter." She smiles at me with this kinda dreamy smile, this smile you give your lover after he or she said "I love you", but I like that smile. I like the way she looks at me. It makes me feel safe. We spent the rest of free period talking, or well, I talk and she listens. I ramble about my favorite books of classic literature, like The Scarlet Letter, or The Great Gatsby.

When the bell rings for the end of period we get up and only then I realize the looks the other students give us. I look around a bit confused, they look at us a lot. They keep whispering too each other and I can hear the gossip floating around already of us being a couple. Normally I wouldn't care about it, but this is Amy Raudenfeld. She would ruin my good reputation. Wait … I shouldn't think like that, that's actually pretty mean. I can't put my social status above my friends. And Amy is my friend, right? "Do you mind if I accompany you to your locker?" She snaps me out of my thoughts and I look at her, wide-eyed. "Erm, I don't have to, if you don't want me to." She says, throwing her arms up in defense. My expression softens and I shake my head. "What, no, don't be ridiculous, of course you can join me, then we can keep the conversation going." I wink at her and start to walk in the direction of my locker. She picks up her bag and quickly follows me. "So, how is cheerleading going?" I look at her with a slightly tilted head. "Since when do you care about cheerleading? It's not exactly … your type of activity." I try to imagine Amy in a cheerleader uniform and almost burst out laughing, but I can control myself. She just rolls her eyes and glares at me "Well, I know you care about it, and I want to know how your life is going." I smile at her and wrinkle my nose lightly. "What?" She asks, frowning. "Nothing," I say, "it's just … majorly cute." I nudge her shoulder and get to a halt. We're in front of my locker, where Shane and Lauren were waiting for me. "Hey guys, thanks for waiting for me." Amy makes a face but doesn't say anything, same goes for my other friends as they look back and forth from Amy to me. "And to answer your question, everything's fine. Now get going to your class, we don't want the troublemaker to be late." She groans, but does as I say, or well … so it seems. She smiles at me, brushes my arm lightly with her hand, glares at Lauren and walks away. The three of us look at her as she walks away and you could almost forget that she is the school's troublemaker. In exactly that moment she shoves a freshman casually into the lockers. Classy. I roll my eyes and open my locker. "You're hanging with Amy now?" Lauren asks as a piece of paper falls down to the ground. Oh please, not again. I take a deep breath and pick up the paper. "They're friends now," Shane said with rolling eyes and I just glare at him. "How come I'm always the last to know?" Lauren is actually pissed at me and I just get my books and close the locker again. "Well, she was at my place on Saturday and we were talking about stuff. She helps me with something, I help her with something. That's all." Or was it? I have really no clue if that's really all to it. Shane glares at me. "Sure, because Amy doesn't have feelings for you or anything." I sigh and return his look "We talked about that plenty, didn't we? You didn't seem that unhappy when I told you about everything." "That was until I knew you guy would hang out more often." He shoots at me. We were walking toward our next classes and came to the corner where our ways parted, since I had French II now and the other had English. "Wait, you told him everything over the phone? When? Yesterday? Can somebody please keep me posted?" Lauren throws her arms up in frustration and Shane puts his hand soothingly on her back. "Just tell her during English, you guys wouldn't pay attention anyway." Shane nods and we part ways. Sometimes I ask myself, why I'm even friends with Lauren. Yeah, she is nice and tries to help me if I have a problem, but still, it's exhausting sometimes.

When I sit down in the classroom I pull out the letter. This time, my name is written on it in calligraphy. Fancy, wow, I'm impressed.

_Oh my dear Karma,_

_Sometimes I wonder how somebody so graceful as you, can have such a bad luck. I know you think this is a joke, but let me tell you that it's not. I really do exist and I really do think that you are the most marvelous girl that wanders those halls. I don't even dare to look at the others anymore, because I feel like betraying you if I did. You can ask yourself who I am so many times, but I don't think I will ever show myself. I'm boring compared to you, a simple nothing, a small dot in the whole universe, while you are the sun. I could never be on your level, so I'm scared that if you met me, you would be disappointed, because let's face it: if people were rain, I would be drizzle and you would be a hurricane. I would be a great match for you when it comes to love, but I know how important your reputation is to you, and I'm simply not good enough for you, yet. The timing isn't right, but my time will come. And then I will make the most beautiful girl in the school mine. I will promenade the halls next to you and I will look at you with so much admiration and you will feel good about yourself. I know you only don't believe me, because you can't believe somebody would think of you this way. But let me tell you: I think you are rather beautiful, I think I could dwell if your features for days and get lost in your eyes forever. Just believe me. Just this once._

_Your secret admirer._

This letter was different from the others. It is the same handwriting, no doubt, but something is different. The way it's written is more … fancy? It really can't be Liam or Tommy, they really are too stupid to write something like that. Then he quoted Looking For Alaska. "_If people were rain, I would be drizzle and you would be a hurricane."_ That's a line Pudge said about Alaska, or at least something like that, very fitting in that scenario, but if he compares me with Alaska Young, John Green's best written character, then it poorly fits, really. We have nothing in common other than reading. But one thing really bugs me about the letter. I read it again. " _And then I will make the most beautiful girl in the school mine", _as If I was a trophy he would win in a race or something. I hate it when people say "You're mine" or "I'm yours" because, seriously, I don't belong to anybody. I'm a free human being, and I love to be. But I won't freak out because of that. Because other than that … the letter is quite nice … and for some reason I highly doubt it's written by a boy. Before I know it I pull out my phone under the table and write a text.

_I got another letter … and I think I made progress in the investigation who wrote them._

I send the message to Amy, of course. But I still find it weird that she helps me with this. And that no one else knows about the letters, I think it's odd … well … I know it is. But it feels right to talk to Amy. My phone buzzes. I got a text from Lauren.

_Shane told me everything. This is weird, Amy normally isn't like that. Don't let her seduce you. Be careful._

She must be pissed right now, normally she writes novels as texts, but this is really short and right to the point. Concerned or pissed … That's the question. I put away my phone and listen to the lecture about _the subjontif_ in the French grammar. The class is almost over when my phone buzzes again.

_Hey good-girl, you shouldn't write texts in class, I told you that before, haven't I? Anyway, what's the progress?_

I frown, the answer came quite late. When she's in class she is always on her phone, well not in chemistry, but in any other class.

_You're not in class. I'll tell you after school, meet me at the bus stop._

This time the answer comes rather quickly.

_Busted. I had stuff to do. Fine, I'll be there._

She had to do stuff? What stuff? But before I could answer her the bell rang and it was time for lunch. Lauren and Shane sit in our usual table and look confused when I join them. "Aren't you with your new lover?" I roll my eyes and glare at Shane. "How often do I have to tell you that there's nothing going on between Amy and me?" Lauren lets out a relieved breath and her tension quickly fades. She looks as relaxed as ever, what isn't that relaxed in comparison to Tommy, but still quite relaxed. "Until you believe it yourself." He says, not looking at me, but staring at a boy who also looks in his direction. "Look who's talking," I say, and glare at the guy who quickly looks away again. Shane just frowns and goes back to eating his salad. Lauren eyes me suspiciously and opens her mouth a few times to say something, but closes it again, without a word leaving her lips. I turn to her "Yeah Lauren, I will be careful, don't worry. Everything is fine, I won't trust her too much and can we please never talk about her again?" She draws up her shoulders to her ears and has the expression of a busted puppy. "Fine, I won't say another word." The rest of lunch was rather quiet, as was the rest of the school day.

After school I go to the bus stop, but Amy isn't there, yet. I pull out my iPod and put on "The Silver Linings Playbook", something nice and easy for the ride home. I always listen to easier literature, whereas I love to read quite complex literature. I suddenly smell cigarettes and turn my head to my right, where Amy stands with one in her mouth. I pull out my headphones and glare at her with a raised eyebrow. "I didn't want to bother you" she says with a smug smile on her face. When she realized that I won't say anything further she goes on. "I would offer you a smoke, but I guess you wouldn't want one." I just shake my head, pull out the letter and toss it in her direction. She grabs it from the ground and starts reading it. When she's done she looks at me with a look of confusion. "And what did you conclude from this?" She hands the letter back to me and puts out the cigarette. "It's not a guy, it can't be." She knits her eyebrows and shakes her head quickly. "How did you figure that?" Well that's a question I can't find an answer for. Or well, I could at least try. "The way it's written, it just doesn't sound like a guy, you know? I've read so many love stuff guys said to girls, and this sounds like a female author. I'm not saying that they're better, in no way. But they sound different." When I see her puzzled face I add "Does this make sense?" She shakes her head and the expression is gone. "What? Yeah, it does. But I never thought you would recognize something like that. Wow, you're good. Maybe you don't need my help." I breathe out a small laughter. "Well, I know the gender of the author, but I have no clue how to find the face." I wink at her. "But you can help me find the rest, so how about we do that as soon as possible?" Suddenly she finds the hem of her shirt very interesting and fumbles around with it. "Well, I can't today, but maybe tomorrow after school?" She mumbles the words that I almost can't make them out. "Oh, what are you doing today?" She purses her lips and narrows her eyes at her shirt. Okay, that's weird. Is it so unbearable to talk about her activities? Then I remember … Her hobbies are mostly illegal. "Just … stuff." She mumbles again. Well, at least she feels somehow guilty. Then she looks up at me with the shadow of a smile. "I can drive you home, if you want to?" A drive in Amy's car? That isn't being careful, but whatever. I return her smile and nod. Her smile grows to a grin and she leads me to her car. It's old and beaten up, but she seems to like it. She even holds open the door for me. This extreme between being nice to me and a complete jerk to everybody else is so confusing. She must really like me. The car ride is quite silent, but she decides to talk at last. "I'm thinking about joining AP English, but I don't know. It's quite a lot work and I have quite little time already." Yeah, right. "I wouldn't have time either, if I'd skip school and had detention every second day," I say in a sarcastic voice, that came out harsher than I intended. "Wow, thanks" She sounds really hurt and I regret saying it, but sometimes I just can't help my mouth. It says words before I can think about if they're appropriate or not. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But it's really not that much work, and you read already. Most of the assignments are reading assignments." She looks at me quickly then back to the road. "Yeah, but with your books it will get quite a lot of reading for my taste." I would love it if she joins my English class. I like spending time with her. I really do. "Well, I could connect the books I give you with the books from class. Like, the same author, the same theme or something like that. Please join the class I would love that." A sudden smile rushed over her face and there was this expression again. So sweet and loving, that you almost thought we were lovers. A smile so gentile that you could forget that she breaks in stores on some nights of the week. "I'll think about it, but we'll see."

We arrive at my place and before I can get out she grabs my hand. "Wait, I finished your book and want to give it back. I know how much you love it." She searches through her back and gives me my copy. I smile, put it in my bag and pull out another book. The Perks of Being a Wallflower. A book that's almost always in my bag, no special reason. I hand it to her and she looks at it. "You like books with characters who have a severe mental problem, huh?" I roll my eyes again, I should stop doing that, I do that way too often. "They don't have a severe problem. Charlie experienced something quite bad in his childhood, just like his aunt and Sam. These characters are amazing. Just read it. You'll love it, I know it." Without knowing what I was doing I gave her a peck on the cheek and was out of the door. "Thanks for the ride, see ya tomorrow. In School." I said the last part with a raised pointer finger and then I saw how red her face was and she just nodded, smiling foolishly. Then she drives away. How can somebody who is so … shy and … loving be so mean at the same time? This girl confuses me.


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of the week was rather uneventful. Amy and I met after school sometimes to discuss the books I gave to her and who might have written the letters. There was no new letter, but I reread the three letters almost daily, thinking who might write something like this. Since I figured it had to be a girl, this limits my options vastly. There are not many girls who like girls at Hester. And Amy knows every single one of them since … well she slept with every single one of them. Somehow the thought of Amy sleeping with other girls makes me vicious and I wish she didn't tell me this information. I don't know what to think about all of this. I really don't.

It's Friday night and I'm on my way with Shane to some college party. One of his boytoys invited him, and he figured he could bring friends, so he brought me, Lauren and Tommy along. I didn't want to go, but I ditched the guys so often this week, I had to make up for it. Lauren and Tommy drive there by themselves, because they had a fight earlier and wanted to sort it out before the party. They sort out fights a very simple way: First they discuss, then they scream at each other for half an hour, then they ignore each other and then they have sex. That's an argument between them. I find that extraordinary … and stupid. But mostly stupid, but I couldn't care less right now. Finally I'm not at home anymore, finally I can free my head from the letters and from Amy. Just flee from everything that kept absorbing my thoughts. Finally I can drink away my sorrows and I don't have to worry for at least one night.

When we finally arrive Shane groans and curses me under his breath. I begged him to drive, I didn't want to, I wanted to get drunk today. When we enter the house, I immediately go to the kitchen to get a drink and down it right on the spot. I feel oddly better. I don't even know what was in the cup, but I don't really care either. After I pour the second cup down my throat I feel kinda dizzy already. I find Shane in the living room who is in deep conversation with a guy. I have my third cup of I-don't-know-what in my hand and let myself fall down next to him, eying the people around me. College people are weird sometimes. They all learn something for their future and get so fucking drunk during the weekends. They kill all the braincells they have remaining for studying. I will be a different university student. In that moment I see that my cup is empty and I ask a guy if he can get me a new one. He obliges happily, because I do it with my kinda-secuding look. But he's drunk already and would take anybody that isn't on a tree by the count of three. "I think you have to find another ride home, darling." Shane says over his shoulder. "I might stay the night, if you know what I mean." He winks at me and I wrinkle my nose in disgust. "Thanks for the information. Maybe Lauren will take me home." Or maybe not. I hate driving with Shane, he always ditches me for some guy he wants to hump. I hope Lauren really will take me home.

4 cups later, I sit there talking to some girl about the latest gossip in Hollywood. Or well, she talks, I only listen, sipping on my 8th cup of, what I figured now is, Jackie Coke. Suddenly somebody yells "Never have I ever!" And the girl in front of me sqiels jumps up and drags me with her to the circle that forms in the middle of the living room. I don't know why she drags me with her, but fuck it. Why not? I have nothing to lose. The circle consists of 7 people, enough for me, really. Shane also joins the group and smiles at me mischievously. I drown my cup and I'm handed another one right away. What a service. I'm seriously drunk right now, and maybe this game won't be such a good idea, since Shane clearly wants to see me under the table tonight as a sort of punishment for ditching lunch yesterday. The guy who suggested the game starts with the first question. "Never have I ever broken in a private house." I know somebody who has to drink here. A few guys around take a sip and grin at each other. The next in line is a girl. "Never have I ever been outside of the United States." Boring. Again a few people take sips of their drink and shake their heads in disbelief. So far I didn't have to drink even once. "Let's spice this up a little," a guy says and cracks his knuckles. "Never have I ever given a guy a blowjob." The girl who dragged me here takes a sip, so does every other girl in the circle, but me. I don't find anything appealing about giving a guy head, but that's just my opinion. Shane and his boytoy look at each other in a seductive way when they take their sips. I feel the need to vomit as I watch them. The next one is again a guy and he just says, "Well Never have I ever had sex with a guy." The same people take a sip, including me. I couldn't lie there, could I? A guy nods at me and says "Wow, for a second I thought you might be a lesbian, or a prude or something, but I see I might have a shot." I only shake my head and make a gagging voice what makes the people in the circle laugh. The next in line is Shane. He grins at me and says "Never have I ever had feelings for a girl in my school or university." All guys but him and his boytoy take a sip and before I know it, my drunk-self lifts the cup to my lips and I take a sip. Damnit. That wasn't planned. When I dare to look at Shane again he just mouths "Told you so" and resumes eyehumping the guy next to him. Oh fuck. I'm really fucking drunk. And did I really mean to take a sip? Are those things I feel seriously feelings? I'm confused. The urge to puke all over the floor is back again and I wish I had been the one to drive, because then these questions wouldn't float in my mind right now. I've never thought about it like this.

The next thing I know is that I get dragged away from the circle and when I look up I see that it's Lauren who drags me away, fuming with rage and she doesn't even look at me. When we're outside of the house she stops and starts yelling at me. I can't make out every single word, but I can hear. "How dare you", "You're a fucking disaster", "I can't believe it", "No you won't" and "Fuck it Karma!". That kinda confuses me, but I think she just saw my somewhat confession about Amy in the living room. We have a conversation then, but I don't really take part in it. I mumble some words like "I'm sorry" and "It's not my fault" and stuff like that. I don't know why I'm apologizing but it seems like I should. After she finished her lecture she storms off into the house again, just when Shane walks in my direction with a huge grin and two cups. He hands me one with the words. "You're amazing, Karma! I knew you would come along and finally have a girlfriend! I don't even care if it's Amy." He kisses my cheek and goes on, talking about his boytoy and how he is so perfect and stuff. I drown the cup again and suddenly everything looks like a dream.

I find myself in the bathroom, looking at the mirror staring at myself. Screaming at myself "Get your shit together Ashcroft! You're not that drunk!" and I stumble out of the door. I can't walk without supporting myself at the wall and almost fall every few steps.

Them I'm suddenly in the kitchen trying to convince a guy that I can handle another drink, but he refuses to give me more with the words "You clearly had enough, sweetie."

I'm outside in the garden, puking for my life. Everything I drank comes out in one setting and Shane stands next to me, holding my hair. He is a good friend after all. When my stomach is empty I pull out my phone.

I wake up from weird muffled noises. I'm in a bed. In a room I have no memory of. I look down under the covers. Thank god I'm dressed. In sweatpants and a tshirt I've never seen in my life. Then a damp strain of hair falls into my face. Why is my hair wet? Did I shower? The muffled noises are pretty consistent and … no fucking way … they're sex noises. I cringe and turn the other way round and almost scream when I see Amy lying next to me. She has an arm around me and slowly wakes up, either from the noises or because I moved. "They have to be fucking kidding me" she whispers with closed eyes. When she opens them she sees me staring at her and she raises her eyebrow. Then she sees her arm around me and quickly withdraws it with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. "I'm sorry, I'm cuddly." I smile at her, I still must be kinda drunk. Oh well, it's in the middle of the night, of course I'm still drunk. "No worries, me too" I wink at her and her face softens. But that was a lie. As much as I like the body contact during sex, it is quite repelling for me to cuddle afterwords. And you wouldn't believe oversensitive guys could get after sex. They always want to cuddle which is so weird. But for some reason it's quite nice to have Amy's arm around me, it makes me feel … safe. Then there is a deep moan a guy makes and we both laugh simultaneously. "Yeah, well … that was Tommy." And I instantly picture Lauren and Tommy during sex and regret thinking about it in the same moment. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to delete the picture. "You get used to it, trust me." I open my eyes again and see a smile on Amy's face, who put her hand on my hip. Then there plops a question in my head. "How did I get here?" The question seems to confuse her and she looks at me a bit startled. "Well you were at this party and got massively drunk. Then you puked and called me to get you. When I asked why you just said that you're tired and you want to go. I didn't question it any further and hopped in my car. I knew the address because of Lauren and so I drove there. When I got there you were puking again and Shane helped me to get you into the car. When we came close to your home you said you didn't want to go home and asked me if you could stay at my place. And that's how you ended up here." Somewhere in the story she took her hand away from my hip and I missed the warmth of her hand on my side. I almost took her hand to place it back there, but I was sober enough not to act out my desire. "Oh" was everything I could bring out of my mouth. I didn't know what else to say. Everything confused me right now. Did she shower me and everything? Wait, why did she get me without questioning why or I don't know. She got up in the middle of the night to get me. "Oh" she repeated and starts to move away from me, but then I get hold of her hand. Without hesitation I turn around, not letting go of her hand. I shuffle closer to her, so that my back touched her front. Then I place her arm around me and still don't let it go. "Okay?" There was doubt in her voice and I think she just decided I was too drunk to function properly, but it seems like she doesn't really care. "Just accept it, buttface" I mutter and I feel her shrug behind me, pulling me closer. We lie there, saying nothing, what I appreciate, since I don't feel like talking at all, and soon I hear her breathe steady and heavy in a calming rhythm that makes me sleepy, too. Just before I fall asleep again, I turn my head, place my hand on her face to bring it nearer to me and kiss her cheek softly. Then, without even caring about the noises from the adjoining room, I drift away into the land of dreams.

I feel a sudden weight on my body and hear breathing, or not breathing, it was rather a sniffing. When I open my eyes I see a dog lying on me, inching closer, sniffling me. He's quite big, with fluffy black, white and brown fur. "Chiron, no!" I hear Amy's voice from the other side of the room. She stood there with a tray in her hand. Still half asleep I sit up and pet the dog's head and raise my eyebrow. "Chiron?" She walks up to the bed and places the tray down. It has food on it. She made me breakfast in bed? What a nice thing to do. "Yeah, this is my dog Chiron, like the trainer of the heroes in Greek mythology." I chuckle lightly and look down at the dog again. I'm still a bit groggy, because I just woke up, but I think it's a Bernese dog. He tries to lick my face, but I hold him down. "You named your dog after a centaur?" I don't look at her, but I know she just rolled her eyes. Why is teasing her so much fun? Way too much fun? "I'm sorry about him. I abandoned him from my room last night, he normally sleeps here. And I guess he wants to know why he wasn't allowed in here." She eyes him and me for a moment, I'm smiling at Chiron and shuffle through his hair with my hand, he seems to enjoy that very much. "He seems to like you, usually he doesn't like strangers." I look up at her with a smirk. "So Chiron, huh? As someone who just loves teenage literature I have to ask: Has that anything to do with the Percy Jackson series?" She lets herself fall down next to me and signs Chiron to get off the bed. With sad puppy eyes he obliges. I kinda feel bad for him, I like having him on the bed. "Actually, yes." She blushes. "I've read all the books when I was younger, I got very interested in Greek mythology then and know almost every story of the heroes now. But I still think it's a bummer that they're mostly male." I can't help but to smirk at her and she looks at me confused. "What?" I chuckle again and look at her teasing. "You didn't read it then because of Percy, you read the books for Annabeth." Annabeth was Percy's best friend and in the end, love interest. Being the daughter of Athena she was wise and very smart. She knew everything about mythology and almost anything else. And she did anything for her friends. I like her character. And judging from Amy's red face, she liked her, too. "Don't tell me you had a crush on her." I laugh out loud and Amy blushes even more, she doesn't even dare to look at me. "Well, I had my first crush on her. She was everything I looked for in a person. Through her I found out I liked girls." I laugh again and she purses her lips and tries not to laugh, too. "Don't laugh, it's not funny. Nobody knows that." I laugh even more and even Chiron looks at me weird. "I'm sorry, but I can't help it, and I think I know why you don't tell people that." I try to control myself and make another remark. "And anyway, I thought that Thalia would be more your type, since she's a punk and impulsive and everything." Compared to Annabeth, Thalia was still smart, but not as smart as her. And she didn't plan as well, she was loyal and everything, but I still liked Annabeth better. And until this point I didn't think that Amy's face could get any redder, but she proves me wrong. She starts to bite her lip, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Well no, Thalia is really not my type. I'm all for intelligence and beauty." Then she meets my eyes and I get what she means. That's when I blush, too. I feel my face get hot and a few moments later, I swear I match Amy's face color. I swallow hard and look around on the bed, until my eyes fixate on the tray. "Eh, so … Y-you made m-me breakfast?" She looks at the tray, too and smiles again. "Yeah, I thought you would have a huge hangover, so I made you a cure for that. But it doesn't seem like you have one." She knits her eyebrows and eyes me. "Were you really drunk last night, or were you just sick for another reason and just wanted to get in my bed?" I breathe out a laughter and look at her. "Trust me, I was more than wasted, and I think I still kinda am. But I don't get hangovers, like ever. I don't know why. It's a gift." I make a a handmotion to the sky and pretend that I'm a Saint. But I didn't lie. I really don't get hangovers, maybe that's why I sometimes just drink recklessly. I think back to last night. Everything is a blur and I have no clue what really happened. But clearly, freeing my head from Amy didn't work. I look up from the tray to her, she plays with Chiron right now. She's beautiful. Her features, her hair, the way she treats her dog. Just everything about her is so damn beautiful. If there wasn't the badgirl trip she was running. I sigh and stare at the tray of food. "You know you can eat that, right? I made it for you, and I swear I didn't poison it." I look up at her again and she meets my gaze. Her look is a bit concerned and I decide to dig in.

I'm almost done with the most amazing breakfast I've ever had and that's when I remember. My fork almost falls from my hand and I swallow down my food. I sit there with wide eyes and open mouth. Lucky for me that Amy decided to take a shower. I … I seriously confessed my feelings for Amy yesterday. And not only to myself, but also to Shane. And Lauren. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. What have I done? Why was I so drunk? Why the fuck did I play this stupid-ass game? Damn it! I put the tray down and lie back, staring at the empty ceiling. I try to empty my mind, but last night streams back into my memory. That I called Amy, that's something I still couldn't remember, but maybe that will float back at some time. There is only one question on my mind right now: When I know I have feelings for her and she basically confesses her feelings for me ever so often, why don't I take the next step? What's holding me back? Is it Lauren? Is it her behavior when I'm not around? Maybe I would be a good influence for her and she would stop being mean to everybody else.

I hear the door open and look up, staring at Amy who is only dressed in a towel. Well this is awkward. She walks to her dresser, picks out some clothes and lets her towel fall to the ground. She doesn't say anything, neither does she look at me. Her back is turned to me and I can see the full naked backside of Amy fucking Raudenfeld. My mouth goes dry and I blink a few times hard. There are shivers running down my spine and I have no fucking clue what's happening right now. When she's fully dressed she turns around and looks at me, I quickly look away, like I didn't look at her in the first place. "You look like a small boy who was caught cheating in hide-and-seek," she says grinning. My face gets hot again and I hope my face doesn't turn red. "Don't be silly, I didn't look at you changing." She chuckles a bit and says, "Yeah, right" and sits down next to me. I was still lying in her bed, with her sleeping clothes on. "Do you want to take a shower and take some of my clothes? I don't think you want to wear the dress from last night again." She looks over to one corner of her room, where my dress lies. I quickly nod, because I swear I can smell it from here and I wouldn't want to wear that ever again. And also I kinda want to wear her clothes for some reason.

After my shower I leave her bathroom in her clothes and I must say, they are so damn comfortable. She eyes me, and is quite happy with what she sees. I say that, because she smirks and licks her lips when she sees me. In the shower I had some time to think and I finally ask her. "Why didn't we eat with you family?" She sits on her bed, reading on of the books I gave to her. "I never eat with them" she says, turning her head back to the book, her smile fading. "Do they know I'm here?" She turns the paper and doesn't look up. "If you didn't tell Lauren last night that I was getting you, no. And it's none of their business." Chiron walks up to me and I pet him, he really seems to like me. "I can drive you home if you want to." She finally looks up from her book and looks at me. "Don't bother, I'd rather walk. I need some fresh air." She looks kinda hurt and I look down at Chiron. "Do you want to join me? I mean, this guy needs to go for a walk." Her expression suddenly changes and forms into a smirk. "Yeah, that's not his usual route, but I bet he doesn't mind."

Amy walks straight past her parents and when they see me follow her, they gasp and their eyes widen. "Hey Mr and Mrs Cooper, nice to see you." Then I follow her outside. The walk is quiet, but a nice quiet. Not this awkward silence you get when you have nothing to talk about, but this nice silence, this comfortable silence you get, when you don't need to talk. From time to time our hands brush together, that's how close we walk next to each other. She lets me take Chiron's leash and adds "I usually don't trust anybody with my boy, but with you it's different somehow." I smile at her at she bites her lip, like she keeps herself from saying anything further. At this point I decide to do something. I move my hand to hers and brush my fingers along her palm so she would open up her hand. She does so and I lace our fingers together. We walk the rest of the way hand in hand, none of us saying anything at all. We don't even look at each other, but we can both tell that we're smiling. It's a nice feeling holding her hand. I never liked it, but I guess I never liked someone the way I like her.

When we arrive at my house we stop and I give her Chiron back. I meet her eyes and think about something to say. "Thank you, Amy. For everything you did last night and today. Thank you for being there for me." I go in for a hug, the first moment I let go of her hand. But I don't wrap my arms around her neck, I wrap them around her torso, what seems to surprise her. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and I place my face in the creek of her neck. I've never felt so protected in my life like when I'm in her arms. It's so weird. "I just want to see you safe, Karma. You can call me any time you need help. You can always stay at my place. I'm always there for you." I pull away a little, place one hand on her cheek and kiss the other softly. "Thank you so much," I whisper. Then I pull away completely and go inside, without looking back.


	7. Chapter 7

The moment I enter my room I pull out my phone, just to see that Shane called me a few times and sent an enormous amount of texts. I sigh and dial his number. "So how was you date, was it hot? Or naah? Why do you call me just now? I've been expecting a full report by the early morning!" I pull a face and roll my eyes … Seriously I should stop doing that. "Hello to you, too. Wait, date? What date?" I hear him chuckle and that makes me think that I probably missed something from last night that I said or did. "Okay, what did I do yesterday? I have a lack of memory and waking up in Amy's bed was quite weird considering I don't know how I got there." There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. "You were in her bed. You. In her bed. That was fast, Ashcroft, I didn't think you had the uterus for that." I fight the urge to roll my eyes again and let myself fall onto my bed. "I was dressed and nothing happened, asshole. Tell me, what did I do last night?" He sighs, clearly not happy with my words. "Well, you did quite a few things actually." Then he told me everything I already knew, with some more uninteresting details, like I told Tommy that Lauren could do way better and that I talked shit about really everybody from the squad. "Oh yeah, and after you puked you said you wanna go and called someone. Then I had no idea who you were calling, but you were like 'I'm gonna do great things tonight' but I don't really know anymore. But something like that, I guess. I was shocked when Amy stood there 20 minutes later. I'm so glad Lauren didn't see anything, she would've freaked out. After all she has no clue about this whole thing." I'm too stunned to speak. So everything I did until then was just plain stupidity, but calling Amy is just … I don't even know what to call it. Wait a second. "What? Lauren doesn't know anything?" "Well why would she, you haven't told her you're hot for her sister." I shut my eyes quickly. Thank god she didn't see the, sort of, confession. "Stepsister. And I'm not. But why did she yell at me, then?" He chuckles and sighs. "Okay you're so hot for Amy, why else did you drink? And do you remember how Lauren is drunk? She gets angry without a reason." She was drunk? How … what … "I didn't drink because of Amy, I drank because of … Klara. The cute Swedish exchange student from last year? I had quite the big crush on her." I hear him take deep breath. Was she called Klara? I don't remember, but maybe he doesn't remember either. She was really cute, though. "Yeah, as if. We both know it was about Amy, if you want to admit it or not. But I do have to go now, I'm meeting somebody later. Brunch tomorrow?" I groan, I don't want it to be about Amy. I don't want those feelings. They're wrong. "Yeah sure, why not. Pick me up at 10?" "Sure, I'll be there. Love ya" And he hangs up. It wasn't about Amy. But why does it feel so right to be around her? Man I hate everything. This is way too complicated for my pleasure.

I toss my phone on my bed and go to my laptop. I scroll through all my social media and detag all pictures of me from last night. And there are a lot of pictures. And I look horrible in every single one of them. How did those people even find me? I don't know anybody of the people who posted them. I bury may head in my hands and when I look up again, my eyes fall on the three sheets of paper, hanging on my wall. I rip them down and place them in front of me. I read every letter again. And again. And again. I must be missing something, this shouldn't be this hard, why is this so hard? "My life is hard" I say to myself, and I sound way whinier than I thought I would and am instantly happy that nobody heard me. I take a deep breath and look at the letters again. Let's see. What things are common throughout the letters? Well something very persistent next to the cheesy shit she constantly wrote, in letter one and three she made book references. And throughout all the letter she said stuff that nobody knows. Who is she?

I hear a soft knock on my door. "Karma?" Oh god what does she want now? I put the letters away. "What?" The door opens and my mother comes in with a cup in her hand and a worried expression on her face. "There's a major cosmic shift in your calendar and I just wanted to make sure that everything's alright." I groan, take the tea out of her hand, sniff on it, what the fuck is that?! It takes all my willpower not to wrinkle my nose at this more than disgusting smelling tea. But whatever. "So tell me Karma, is everything okay in your life?" She sits down on my bed while I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Sure everything is great. As always. Can you leave now?" I open my eyes and the expression on my mother's face got even more concerned. "Honey, you know you can talk to me about everything." Gosh, I can't take her right now. It doesn't matter what I'm gonna say, she'll just come around with a story about Zen. "I remember when Zen was your age. He always talked about his problems and he also stood up for you, when these boys from middle school were mean to you." Here we go. I seriously can't do this right now. "Great story, but I have to do something. I have to go. See you tonight." I get up, grab the letters and head out the door. I hear my mother behind me, repeating that opening up is crucial in a society like ours, but I don't respond.

I don't know where I'm headed. I just want to figure those letters out, really. I don't care about anything else. So I think. It just so happens that I walk directly to Amy. Great. Yeah, clearly I'm not attracted to her. I facepalm myself. But when I'm here, and I know she's willing to help me, why not ring the door bell? Her mother opens the door and grins when she sees me. "Oh Karma, so nice to see you." Then the grin turns into a confused expression and I think of today morning and I hope I didn't cause a huge discussion with Amy. "I'm sorry, but Lauren is out-" "-shopping with Shane" I interrupt her. "Yeah, I know. I actually wanted to see Amy. She's helping me with some school work." Farrah narrows her eyebrows but eventually her expression softens. "Oh, I'm just happy that Amy finally surrounds herself with some positive energy. She's in her room, just go upstairs." And that's what I do, politely nodding in Bruce's direction as I pass the living room.

I stand in front of her room. I can clearly hear music blaring from inside. A lot of electric guitar and aggressive drums. Interesting music taste. Maybe I can understand some lyrics.

_I fell asleep with the lights on_

_And I can say that you're the first one in a long time_

_to have some faith in me_

Wow, sounds like a really positive song. I pull a face and knock on the door. No answer. I should've guessed that, but I tried. And I don't want to enter the room without the permission. I have way too good manners to do so. I knock again, this time more forcefully. But like before, no answer. Oh fuck it, I'll go in. She's never gonna answer. I shake my head while opening the door, allowing the music to completely block my mind for a second.

_Everyone I used to know  
>Says they don't know what I've become<br>But I'm still the same  
>Not much has changed<br>I still know where I came from _

I see Amy sitting on her desk, quickly closing a tab on her screen by the sound of her door swinging open. But she doesn't turn around, neither does she turn the volume of the music down. "You don't like to answer you door, do you?" I can see her shoulders rising as she takes a deep breath. "What did it ask me?" She still doesn't turn around and I shut the door behind me. At least she finally turns down the volume. Wait, what did she say? "Did you seriously just quoted from Alice Through the Looking Glass?" She finally turns around with a raised eyebrow and a questioning expression. "Come again?" I walk up to her with crossed arms. "What you just said is exactly what the guard said to Alice. You know? When Alice tried to get into her castle?" Her face stays that confused and I decide that this is pointless and make a mental note to get her Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Both books. I have my hand dismissively and she just shrugs. "What are you doing here anyway? I'm kinda busy right now." I look over to her laptop screen and see Google Maps open with some directions. "Yeah, seems really busy." I scoff. She shakes her head and turns around again. For somebody that has feelings for me, she doesn't seem that happy to see me. I try to figure out what tab it was that she clicked away, but I can't see anything on her screen. Bummer. "Karma?" She closes her laptop completely, shutting away my hope in finding out what she was doing. "Yeah?" I try to sound nonchalant, but I'm not sure if it worked. "I rarely ask you stuff, so if I ask you something for once, can you at least consider answering?" Oh right, there was something. Wow, she sounds weird, so … pissed. Well, whatever. "I didn't want to be home and I need your help figuring out who this weirdo is who writes the letters." I pull out the letter from my bag while she eyes me. Fuck. I'm still wearing her clothes. I look down at myself. Simple black jeans, a gray v-neck and a gray hoodie with dark red sleeves. These clothes really are comfy, I get why she wears them. "Fine." She opens her door and Chiron runs inside, jumping around me. "Why wasn't he in your room?" I lean down and cuddle him. "Because I had do to something important and he would only bother me and I can't stand him being in the room when I have to concentrate." I look at her confused, but she just shrugs. "And now you don't have to concentrate?" I'm a bit disappointed that she doesn't take this problem serious, but on the other hand I can understand her. Why should this be important to her? I'm just some girl who needs help finding a secret admirer. "Oh I have to, but Chiron loves you and I think those feelings are reciprocated so why not bring him in?" I kinda have to smile about this. "But, if you don't want to do it now, I can go again. I don't want to keep you from something important." She opens her laptop again, sends a quick facebook message and closes all her windows. "This is important. And the other stuff, I can do that tomorrow. So how can I assist you?" She turns her chair in my direction, with her hand folded over her chest. "Well, I haven't figured out much, but I can say that it's a girl. I must know her from my childhood, or at least she must know somebody from my childhood. And she likes books. She made references twice in three letters. That's kinda all." She scratches her neck, turns to her laptop and opens a file. "I've made a list this morning after I dropped you off. I thought this would be handy, I didn't know I would need it today. But since this is the first time we're doing this at my place, we can use the list." I walk over to her. "List? What kind of list?" She moves to the side, so I can see the screen and I let out a small gasp. "Are you fucking serious? You remembered every name?" In front of me is a list. A list with every name of every girl that goes to Hester and is interested in girls in some sort of way. Amy starts laughing. "What? God no. I used facebook. What doe you think of my memory?" She keeps laughing while I scroll through the names. "How many are those?" She slowly stops laughing and only grins. "I don't know. Like 15, they're not that many." I look at her with a raised eyebrow. "That's really not that many. I thought there were more girls who you slept with." She looks to the ground and I swear she's blushing again. "Well no. Really not. They are all the girls that are interested in girls on a deeper level. I'm no fucking experiment. I don't do bicurious, only sexual." She seems really upset about this. And I wonder what she does if I push further. "Bad experiences?" She looks up at me with an expression I can't really read. "You could say that." She turns towards the list and I decide that I don't want to push it. "So, do you know stuff about these girls?" She looks through the list and thinks for a moment. "I think I know the grade record and sometimes their hobbies. If I don't know the hobbies, they conclude shopping and clubbing." I'm confused. I always thought she didn't care about those girls. And now? She knows stuff about them. "Well I can't say anything about how the grades can be useful, but we can keep them in mind. Hobbies are good. And I know who's friends with who. So we can check if they can know stuff about me, or if they actually knew me from the time they're talking about." She looks at me and sighs. I think she knows that she's not getting out of this.

We work through the list and comprised it down to 3 people. Soleil, because she hangs out with Liam a lot and likes historical books. Chloe, because she hangs out with Shane, who knows a lot about me and she's in AP English, and the third is Mary. She hangs out with the Tommy guy from one letter and she also likes reading. So those are the three candidates and maybe one of them is the author. I don't know who else it could be. Amy groans. "Are we done now? I want to sleep. Please?" She takes me home with her car and I go to sleep right away. I really didn't get enough last night. And I'm still so so sorry for Amy that I caused her sleep, too. I still don't know why I called her anyway. Do I really have feelings for this girl? I mean she is great. She does help me. And she comes and gets me in the fucking middle of the night. And she isn't that mean how everybody says. And lately she didn't do anything stupid. Maybe I really have a good influence. Maybe this might be the right thing. And with those thoughts I drift off.

The next morning, I almost sleep in. But I get up early enough to take a quick shower before Shane picks me up. We drive to our favorite café that is on the other side of Austin and we drive through some pretty desert looking streets. And there is this one shop, it's closed on Sundays like almost every store, and it just looks so creepy when nobody's in there. But when we drive past it, there is somebody in there. I look out the window and sit up straight. "Shane pull over, that's not normal." Shane just looks at me with knitted eyebrows, but does as I say, because there is no arguing with me in situations like this and he knows it. "What's so strange about this? There is somebody in the store, so?" I look over to him with a face that basically says "are you really retarded or just pretty?" and he thinks again. "Oh … oh … it's Sunday. I get it. But what do you wanna do?" For some reason I think I know who the people in the store are. We park in some distance from the store and wait until the people come out again. There are two people inside and when the first person comes out, I can see it's Liam. He is quickly followed by a girl. Obviously Amy. My breathing increases and I clench my fists. "She's fucking kidding me, isn't she?" She looks over to me, his face paler than usual. "Maybe they didn't steal anything." Just like on cue, Liam pulls out money from his pockets. "Yeah right. Fuck this, let's drive." Shane starts the engine and before we drive away, I can see Amy glancing in our direction, freezing in her movement. Her eye locked on mine, her shock shown in her expression. A part of me wants to jump out of the car and yell at her on the spot. But I'm way too aggressive to even move right now. So we just drive off, and the rest of the drive was in complete silence.

After we ordered our food Shane just looks at me with a slightly tilted head. "You can't tell me you have no feelings for her. Otherwise you wouldn't freak out over this. This is what she always does." I look away from him, clenching my jaw. He can't be serious right now. This conversation again? "Look Shane, yes she always does this. But that doesn't mean it's right and legit. I don't get why she does it either. Their families have the money, they don't need it. Why do they do that to a small busyness on the outskirts of the city? This is fucking bullshit." Everytime I lose my temper, my language suffers as you can see. But I really don't care about that right now. "Look Karma, maybe they just do it for the kick, you know? The adrenaline. Something like that." I rub my temples with closed eyes and try to concentrate. "Can we please not talk about her anymore? Tell me about your date from yesterday." Shane happily obliges and he tells me every single detail about his date. I try to listen, but I can only think about one thing. _Me with her? No good idea at all._


	8. Chapter 8

I drove to school on Monday, because I promised Shane to take him. He took his time and we barely made it to first period. He just loves messing with my punctuality. I kinda hate him for it, but what can I do. He made me come to my senses, though. I really shouldn't freak out over Amy's actions, of course I'm not okay with it, but I'm not the one to judge. It's still her life and I'm not in the position to make any of her decisions. But I also came to the conclusion that I could never be with her. Thank god that I had first period with Shane, he kept my mind busy. "You see, the squad isn't that stupid. Ever since I told them that they had to have a certain average, they were studying." I laugh while walking up to my locker. "Yeah, right. When did you do that?" He shrugs and leans against the lockers. "A week ago or something, you're just so busy lately that I thought I could take one sorrow away from you." I look at him while opening my locker, wondering when Shane became so thoughtful. When I turn to my locker to get my books for the next period I jump. "What's wrong?" Oh my god, why is there always something weird in my locker? This time this author guy really went too far, there's a fucking book in my locker, and it wasn't there on Friday. "It's nothing, we meet for lunch?" He tilts his head a bit and looks at me weird. "Yeah fine, weirdo. I'll see you later." And with that he walks away. I take a deep breath and take the book from my locker. "Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall." I say out loud. I've read of this book. I wanted to buy this book. I open the book and see something written on the first page, the handwriting is familiar, but not like I expected. It's not from the secret admirer.

_I thought it would fit your collection. It made me think of you.  
>x Amy<em>

Amy bought me a book. And a really good one. I start flipping through the pages. How did she even get this in … oh yeah right, it's Amy Raudenfeld we're talking about, of course she knows how to break into a locker. I start reading the first page. Oh my god, this book is amazing, I never thought that she would find a book that is that good. I'm brought back to reality when I hear the bell, the sign for the start of next period. "Fuck." I start running. I've never been late and I didn't want to start now. Great. How could this happen?! I have to hurry, maybe I'll be there before the teacher. Good thing it's chemistry and the teacher loves me. When I open the door, the lesson has already started. "Oh Good, Mrs Ashcroft. I thought you wouldn't show up. I won't write you down because it's your first time being late, but just sit down so I can continue." She didn't even look up from her class list. Completely out of breath I nod and sit down … next to Amy. She looks at me confused and writes something on her textbook.

_Is everything alright? Why are you late?_

Instead of answering her I pull out the book and I see her eyes widen and I swear she blushes. I pull out my notebook and start writing.

_Why did you get me this?_

I still don't quite know what to think about this whole thing, but I think it's really nice. She looks at me for a few minutes, looks to the board and then to her notebook.

_Maybe I just wanted to give you something for your not-birthday _

I look at her and my mouth drops. Is she fucking kidding me?

_You read Alice Through the Looking Glass. You said you didn't._

She just smiles and shakes her head a bit.

_Well you got me there, genius. Do you like it? The book I mean_

I nod and bite my lip. Well I really can't be mad at her for doing stupid stuff, but I still wonder why she got me this book. I realize I'm staring and squeeze my eyes shut and return my attention to the lesson. I see her shift in the corner of my eye and I wish I could concentrate on the lesson, but seeing our hands right next to each other makes me want to hold it. Damn it, Karma. Get you shit together, will you? Just make up your mind what you want. I glance over to Amy and see that she looks straight at the board. I look back down at our hands and I swear she moved hers a bit closer to mine. I take a deep breath and look up at the teacher. What is she even talking about? Listen Karma, you don't want Amy to ruin your perfect score. Great, that means an extra night studying. I look down at our hands again. Wait what? When did I move my hand over hers? I think about withdrawing it, but in that moment she moves her fingers so that ours are intertwined. A sudden rush that I can't explain runs through my body and my heart starts beating faster. Damn it. I swallow hard and look around the class room. My gaze stops at Tommy who looks at my hand, or well Amy's and my hand. He looks up to meet my eyes and tilts his head a bit, I guess in confusion. I let out a shaky breath. I don't want to let go of her hand, but I don't want Tommy to see it. I look at my hand and then back at Tommy who is still looking at me. I decide to pull my hand away and I feel Amy tense as I do. I open my textbook with both hands as some sort of excuse why I pulled away. But it's obvious that she doesn't buy it. In the corner of my eye I can see her looking at me, and I know that her expression is hurt. She runs her hand through her hair and rubs the back of her neck. Great, she's frustrated. But can I blame her? I would be, too. I try to listen to the rest of the lesson, but it's not at all working. I keep stealing glances at her, she looks so pretty today. Her hair falling in soft curls down her shoulder, her gray flannel shirt loose on her body with a black shirt underneath and dark denim pants with army style boots. Oh god, I'm staring and checking her out in front of the whole class. I look around and even though nobody seems to care, I feel the heat in my body and I swear I can feel the color of my face turning red.

When the bell rings and the lesson is finished I walk out of the door, not looking at her. When I'm at the door, I feel somebody pulling me to the side and before I can brace myself I know it's her. She drags me a few feet away from the classroom and looks at me. "Are you mad at me?" She raises an eyebrow and I blink a few times fast. "What? Why would I be?" She looks over to the hallway and then back at me. "Well I know that you saw what I was doing yesterday, and you looked really pissed." I rolled my eyes, fuck I wanted to stop this habit, and started to walk away from her. She quickly followed. "It's none of my busyness what you do in your spare time, okay? So no I'm not mad at you. It's your decision to ruin you life." She stops, grabs me by the wrist, causing me to turn around. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" Her face drops and for the second time today she looks hurt. "Look, we're not dating or anything, we're just friends. So I'm not gonna judge you for how you spend you weekends, but please don't say that it's totally fine what you're doing." I can see that she bites the inside of her lips and this time she rolls her eyes. "I know that you're judging me, Karma. I would do the same. I mean it's not like I do this without a reason or anything." "It's okay Amy, really. Like I said, we're friends, we don't have to tell each other everything and we don't have to stand behind everything the other person does." "I stand behind everything you do." She mumbles, barely audible, while she crosses her arms. I narrow my eyebrows. Yeah right, everything. Like my cheerleading. But I don't say anything, I really don't want to pick a fight right now. "But you see? I'm not mad at you. Look, I kinda have to get to my next period." I start walking away. "Do you wanna meet after school? To, like, hang out and stuff?" Hand out and stuff? I can't help but smile, she's such a weirdo. "Yeah sure, if you want to?" I say over my shoulder. "Great, I come to yours if you're okay with that." I smile and shake my head lightly. "Sure, just stop by after practice." And with that I'm off to my next period. I think I handled that situation right, I mean sensitivity is not my strong suit, but Shane says I have to practice not to provoke people until they hate me.

The rest of the school day was quite normal, nothing special, really. Well until practice when Lauren walked up to me, fuming with rage. "Tell me he's lying." I stop my movement and stare at her. "Specify?" She came to a halt inches from my face, and she's seriously intimidating when she glares at you with the death glare. "Tommy told me you and Amy were holding hands during chemistry. You can't be serious, Karma!" I sigh and move past her. "I heard that, too," one of the bimbos exclaims. Great, now they have the right for talking. "What do you see in her, Karma? She's so mean and so not a good influence." I take a deep breath. Great, I can't deal with this right now, where is Shane? "We weren't holding hands. She was trying to …" Damn it, I can't come up with something plausible. If it were only the bimbos then I wouldn't have a problem, but Lauren is smart. "Yes, Karma? I'm listening?" Oh fuck it. "I had a book with me and she wanted to see it, I didn't want her to, so I grabbed her hand before she could grab it." Lauren thinks about it for a moment, but seems satisfied and says "Fine then, but trust me, keep away from her. She's no good." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I didn't think that would work. "Fine, squad? Formation, we're gonna go through all the cheers for tomorrows game, so concentrate!" Well, there's our normal Lauren again, always up for perfection. And there he came running. Shane wasn't the guy to be late and he runs straight up to me. "Karma, I have to talk to you." He's slightly out of breath and before I could say anything, Lauren stands next to us. "Whatever it is, it has to wait until after practice. Karma. Up front. Now." I shoot Shane an apologetic look, but oblige to Lauren's demands. Even though she's so small, she really intimidates me.

After practice Shane and I walk outside together. "So what is it that you wanted to tell me?" He looks around and clears his throat. "Well, I was kinda eavesdropping on Amy and Liam. And what they said was pretty interesting, do you want to know?" I look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Oh yeah, dumb question, I know. So they were talking about yesterday and Liam said the Amy should get her shit together, because she first didn't want to go to the shop. He said she should stay away from you, because you're doing stuff to her, that isn't good and shit like that. But I think the best part was that Amy didn't say anything and just stood up and walked away. They're having serious trouble in paradise because of you." I turn to look at him. "What? She didn't want to do it? Why? She really said nothing?" This confuses me. Why didn't she want to go there? And why did she go there? And … there's too much on my mind right now. Shane is talking again, but I can't listen to him. This means I really influence her, or does it? No it doesn't, we're just friends, I don't want anything more. "Hey Shane?" I interrupt him, "I gotta go, I'm meeting with somebody, but thank you for telling me." I peck his cheek and run off to my car, he frowns and waves at me.

I arrive at home and see Amy's car in the driveway. Great, she's there with my parental supervision and that's really not good. I know exactly why I always sneak her in my room without my parents knowing. I open the door and go to the living room, seeing if Amy's being tortured by my parents or if she was allowed to go upstairs. When I find the living room empty, I remember that my parents aren't home today, they went to sell their weird juice at a festival. I frown and make my way upstairs. When I open the door I see Amy on my bed, reading in one of my books. She looks up at me and smiles. "Hey." "How did you get in here?" She breathes out a laughter and sits up. "Well, your spare key is easy to find, you should hide it better. I just didn't want to wait outside." I tilted my head slightly, glaring at her. She continued talking. "Oh and by the way, nice jacket you're wearing." I look down and realize that I was wearing her sweater jacket. I didn't even know that I threw it on this morning. I look back at her with wide eyes and a face that probably showed a lot of embarrassment. "I wanted to say it this morning, but I was too caught up about the … thing." Thing? "What?" This was the only word I could manage to say. "She looked away from me and down at her hands, that were still holding one of my books. "Erm, nothing. Just, you know … stuff." I scratch the neck of my back and walk over to her. I grab the book from her hands to see what she was reading. "Mrs Dalloway" I say out loud with a raised eyebrow. "So you like Virginia Woolf?" She just shrugs and looks at the ceiling. "I kinda like authors who committed suicide. And she did, right?" I sat down on the bed, placing the book on my nightstand. "Yes, she did. But why is that important?" She places her hands behind her head while I cross my legs and face her. "It's not, I just think that the lives of the authors are very interesting, especially when you want to understand the way they write." I turn and lay down next to her, thinking about her words. She's really smart and I always wanted to have conversations like this, when I think about it. And what she says is absolutely true. "Yeah, I think I get that. But isn't it the same with musicians?" "And with artists of every other genre, it doesn't matter what they do, you can only understand it the way you want them to, when you know a bit more about their life." I sigh, but when I would publish work as a musician, I wouldn't want people to know a lot about my life. But then again … "Every work of yours is somewhat autobiographical." I say in a dreamy voice. She turns her head to look at me. "Yep, absolutely. Even if you don't want it to be. Think about it, when singer sometimes write their songs themselves and sometimes not, you can often figure which songs they cowrote and which songs not." Wow, I never thought about it this way. This is incredible, but it's true. "So you say you should always stalk the musicians you like?" She chuckles and shifts so she lies on her side. "Well maybe that's why I'm here." I do the same as she did and now face her, too. "What?" She just shakes her head and smiles at me. "Maybe I'm just here, because I admire your work with your social life. Even the blind can see, that you don't want to go out all the time and that you don't like half of the people you hang out with." "Starting with you." I add with a cheeky grin and a wink. "Ouch," she says, putting her hand on her heart with a dramatic expression on her face. "That really hurts Asscroft." I roll my eyes, but can't stop myself from smiling. "Could you please stop calling me that? That's horrible." She smiles and in a moment of instinct I move closer to her. "You know what, Raudenfeld? I think I actually enjoy hanging out with you. Like just hanging out with you." It doesn't even matter anymore that she basically broke into my house like it was nothing. She smiles at me and puts one hand on my hip. "I'm glad you do, because I sure as hell love spending time with you." I said this once and I will say it again: As much as I hate physical contact, there is nothing I enjoy more than her touch on my body. I don't care if it's with or without clothes, I just enjoy the warmth of her hand right there on my hip. This is the best feeling ever. Right there I realize that we're staring into each other eyes and without even thinking about it, I look down at her lips and quickly up to her eyes again. I lick my lips and I can see her swallow. The tension in the air between us is so thick, you could easily cut it with a knife. I experienced stuff like this before, but it was never positive tension, like it is now. I start moving closer, I really don't know why, but I do. And so does she. When our lips almost touch I hesitate, backing away a bit. I look up from her lips to her eyes that were closed by this moment. Gosh she's so fucking beautiful. I hear her breath hitch, like in frustration. I decide to take the risk. I close my eyes and close the distance between us. When our lips touch it's like all bad energy leaves the room. I tense up for a moment, but relax just as fast when I feel her pulling me closer by my hip. I lay one of my hands on her hand and the other on her cheek, like I did before. Our lips move in sync, like they had done it million times before, like this is what they're supposed to do. I feel her smile into the kiss and bite down softly on her bottom lip. She gently pulls away and looks at me smiling. I nuzzle my face into her neck. Okay I was wrong. _This_ is the best feeling ever. But what does it mean?


	9. Chapter 9

We lie there for quite a long time, not saying anything. Her arms are wrapped around me and my face is in the crook of her neck. There's no distance between us as I listen to the steady sound of her breathing and her rather irregular heartbeat. But what does this all mean? I close my eyes and try not to think, but the thoughts plop into my head. What happens if this gets serious? If this really ends up in a relationship. Would it work? I don't get along with Liam and she doesn't get along with Lauren and Shane. I love spending time with her, but am I ready for the looks that I'd get when I walk the hallway with her hand in hand? People will start talking and I saw today, that my reputation wouldn't make it through something like this. But it feels really good to be around her. And she's smart, and beautiful and cares for me. She is all I ever wanted. But this is just a high school fling, in a few years we won't even know the name of each other, so I should care more about my reputation, right? Ugh, I don't know what to do. I only have this reputation to have a good resume for my college application. But on the other hand, when I spend time with her, we would also study. I mean she cares about her grades and studies a lot. What should I do? It's not like I want to be with her … Oh who am I kidding? I would be with her if she asks me to, but she didn't. Yes, she didn't ask me, so maybe this isn't serious to her, so everything is fine. This is nothing, this is just fun. Everything is fine as long as she doesn't want more. This is great as it is right now, we can meet outside of school and in school I can care about my social stuff. I let out a sigh of relief. Amy backs away a bit to look at me. "Is something wrong?" I just smile and wrinkle my nose at the cold that hits me. "No everything is more than fine." When I was already out of trance I could check the time. 11pm, what the hell? We stayed here for so long? It didn't seem like that long. She follows my gaze and gasps. "My mother is going to kill me." She stated while shooting up. I stretch and grown at the sudden complete loss of contact and frown at her. "The bad girl still lives by the rules of her mother?" She rolls her eyes and looks at me. "I'm on probation and I have to do what she says or she kicks me out, and I'm living a luxurious life that I don't want to throw away that easily." She gets up from the bed and walks toward the door. She stops herself, walks back to my bed and leans down to me. "I really enjoyed tonight, mind if we do that again as soon as possible?" She's inches away from my face and I swallow hard. "How about a study date tomorrow after school?" I ask, staring at her lips. "Sounds great, see you tomorrow at school." She comes closer until she softly brushes her lips against mine. I melt at the soft feeling, but it is over a bit too soon for my liking. I pout when she pulls away and she just smiles at me. "Bye straight-A-good-girl." She winks at me and walks out the door. I sigh and let myself fall back on my bed. How does she do it? I feel like such a girl right now. I turn on my stomach and lie in the place she was just moments ago and take deep breaths to inhale her scent. She still smells amazing. And what does it say? You're more likely to be attracted to somebody when you think they have a nice smell. Well, a nice smell was an understatement. "Karma!" My mother's voice brings me back from my trance. "You didn't eat yet, come down I made you something!" I groan and get up. I snuggle up in the sweater jacket I'm wearing, it still smells like Amy. I don't think she will ever get it back. I go to the door and descend the stairs.

The next morning I have to take the bus to school. I hate taking the bus, but my parents need the car and I can't argue with them. In addition, Shane doesn't want to drive me, and I can't ask Amy, can I? I mean how would that look if I drive to school with Amy Raudenfeld? What the heck, so bus it is. I go in the far back of the bus so people leave me alone and it actually works. When the bus arrives at school, I wait until everybody left, before I walk outside. Shane waits for me in the parking lot with a huge coffee in his hand. "Oh you have time to pick up coffee, but you're too busy to pick me up?" He handed me the coffee and retrieved his own from the car. "A 'thank you, Shane' would have been enough." He scoffs and starts walking towards the school. "So tell me, how's everything? You seemed a bit off yesterday." As he says it, my eyes wander around the parking lot and lock with green piercing eyes that look at me. Amy stands next to her car with Liam and she looks at me. No, not looks, she stares at me. The hair in the back of my neck, decides to stand up and send shivers down my spine. There is a small shadow of a smile right before she puts on her sunglasses and talks to Liam. "Karma?" Shane snaps me out of it and I turn quickly to look at him. He already followed my gaze and chuckles. "So that's why you're off. So are you a thing now?" I shake my head and roll my eyes. "No, we're not. To be honest, we may have kissed yesterday. But we're not an item." After the word "kissed" Shane just stops walking and I assume his face dropped, but I really don't want to turn around to check. "You what?!" I continue walking, my sign of not wanting to talk about shit, but of course Shane doesn't care about that. He sprints up to me and grabs my wrist. "Karma, we have to talk about this, this is serious, Amy isn't the girl that just kisses." He draws quotes in the air for the "just". "I know she's not, but we just kissed and did nothing else. She didn't even say hello in the parking lot, so everything is fine." Shane makes some noises that I couldn't understand. "Karma, she wants to be with you, she wants you to be her girlfriend, isn't that obvious?" I sigh and roll my eyes. "Yeah, it's super obvious, how didn't I get that? Gosh you're so intelligent and smart, way smarter than I am." I say in a monotone voice. "Karma come on, don't you want to be with her?" "No, I don't. What would the people think?" He thinks for a while before and they arrive at his locker. "Well thinking about it, you two don't seem to fit, but well you also seem to have a lot of fun together. You spend time with her in school, people already assume that you get along with each other." I just shake my head. "Fine, but I'm not in a relationship with her, so back off. I'm gonna get my books I don't wanna be late." Without waiting for a reply I walk away. How could I be so stupid and spend my fee periods with her? Of course everybody can see us then. I'm an idiot, really.

Opening my locker I sigh when I see a small sheet of paper falling to the ground. Well this is something I forgot about yesterday. I cringe and pick up the letter. When does this stuff stop?

_Hey, Karma  
>I thought a lot about timing lately, about how you can screw up everything you planned by choosing the wrong timing. I don't know if you understand what I'm trying to say, but I guess you don't have to. I want you to meet me, but the time span for the right time is so short, I'm scared that I can't make it right. But when I think about you I can't imagine that there could be wrong timing. I know we're perfect for each other and I hope that you feel the same once you've met me, but I'm also scared you'll reject me and I lose you forever. This is hard, Karma. It really is. I know you want to know who I am, but do you really? Maybe this whole thing with the letters was a bad idea, I'm sorry. But now it's too late to back out.<br>Yours truly, anonymous_

Oh this guy drives me crazy, or girl, I don't even care anymore. What's his deal? Seriously, I just want to be left alone and he keeps writing these letter. I give up, I don't want to find him anymore. I shove the letter in my bag and head to my first period of the day. I fume with rage and I have to calm down, since AP English makes me aggressive enough.

And I was right, sitting in a classroom with these vain numskulls makes me nauseous and desperate for normal people. Thank god I have a free period and I'll spend it in the library researching stuff for the lessons on Celtic literature that Mr Hart wants to do. I get to the library and start looking through the history section, I want to get to know the time period before I go into literature. I sit down with my first book and instantly feel my phone vibrate.

_We just got invited to Brandi's party on Friday. I dare you to miss it, and I'll torture you for the rest of your life!_

Great, Lauren is in a good mood today. I put away my phone, but after ten minutes it vibrates again.

_Have you heard about the party on Friday? Rumor has it, that the troublemakers will be there, too. Don't do anything stupid, love ;)_

And here goes Shane. I groan, I shouldn't have told him about the kiss, he get way too excited with stuff like that. I put away my phone again and go back to working on my knowledge of the Celtic culture. When I get to the myths about banshees, I see in the corner of my eye that someone sat down next to me with a book in their hand. I look over, just to see Amy plopping her feet on the table, while leaning back in her chair, reading … Winnie the Pooh? "First, can you not?" I wave my hands at her feet. "And second, are you serious?" She looks up from her book and grins at me, that's when I see that she has a lollipop in her mouth. What the fuck is wrong with this girl? One day she breaks into a store and steals and I don't know what, and the next thing you know, she reads a children's book and sucks on stupid candy. "What? Don't you like my shoes?" I look at her shoes and take a deep breath. "Oh great, army boots, what's there not to like about them being dirty as fuck like you just walked through the woods and them being next to my notes?" She breathes out a small laughter and puts her feet on the ground. "You're so uptight that I sometimes wonder what I see in you," she mumbles and I have the feeling that I wasn't supposed to hear that. She does that a lot, she says something that I don't think she wanted to say out loud. "Well maybe you think that you need someone who can teach you some manners." I say, with my face in my book again. She chuckles lightly, but doesn't say anything. We sit there for a while in silence, both reading, and I must say that I enjoy sitting here with her, just reading, not talking. I never thought I could do that with people. Sit there in comfortable silence while we both do what we like without the other's interference.

After quite some time she looks at her phone and sighs. I look up at her with a questioning expression. "Is something wrong?" She looks at me with an annoyed expression. "Well while your thing is socializing, mine is staying away from social events. But now Brandi invited Liam to this lame party and he begs me to come along." I raise my eyebrow and look back at my book. "Then don't go there if you don't want to." There's silence for a moment and I already thought this was the end of this conversation when she spoke again. "Will you be there?" I look up at her again and tilt my head slightly. "Most certainly, yes. Why does it matter?" I swear I see her blushing, but I can't say for sure. "Just checking. Thinking about it, a party once in a while would be nice. I haven't been out drinking with someone else than Liam in a long time." While she says that, she returns her gaze back to her book and continues reading. I just shake my head, did she really just say that she's going to the party because of me? This is weird. After another period of silence, she puts away her book completely and I feel her staring at me. I sit there with my pencil in my mouth, trying to concentrate with my elbow on the table and my head leaning on my hand. I let the pencil drop and without looking up I snap "What? Do I look weird or something?" I see her shaking her head and she shrugs. "Nope, I just like looking at you. Am I not allowed?" I let out a deep breath and look up at her. "Can I ask you something?" She nods and raises her eyebrow. "What is this?" My question draws a smile on her face. "This is us spending time together?" I look down at the table, I wasn't expecting this answer, but she wasn't finished. "I like spending time with you, Karma. I told you that yesterday. And I know that you like spending time with me, I'm not stupid. I just feel comfortable around you and that's why this is us spending time together." I return her smile and I find myself biting my lip. So this is casual for her. This is the best news I got today and I can't stop my smile. Also she said it so nice, so elegant. I don't know why, but this girl really gets me and I can just feel it. We spend the rest of free period in silence. She looks at me while I study, I could spend days like that. When our ways part, she runs her hand along my arm, squeezing my hand and letting go completely. This touch alone sent more shivers down my spine than any other touch from any other person. And I mean _any_ other touch.

I try to stay clear from people the rest of the school day, but that's not easy when you're best friends with Shane Harvey. He found my under a tree during lunch. "This time you were hiding quite well, Ashcroft. I gotta give that to you, it took me 10 minutes to find you." "Clearly I didn't hide good enough." I say not looking at him. "Haha, real funny. So, about Friday, we're going, right?" I look up from my lunch and look at him. "I don't have a choice, do I?" He sits down next to me. "What? Of course not. Where would we get if you had the choice to bail on me. I would never see you. So, talking about Friday, we have to go shopping before, because I have literally nothing to wear." I swallow down my comment about the misuse of the word literally and smile at him. "Sure, but I can't today. I have already plans. How about tomorrow?" He pulls out his phone and looks through his appointments. "Sure, tomorrow will work." He starts saving our shopping-date, but in the middle, he stops and looks at me. "Why don't you have time today? You always have time for shopping." Then his eyes widen and a huge grin appears on his face. "You're gonna meet with Amy today? Again? You sure you're not official?" I sigh. "According to her we're just spending time together and I like that. And we're gonna study tonight." He looks at me and moves his eyebrows up and down. "Studying, right." I look at him again. "If you know me good enough, you know that I don't joke about school. Amy and I are the smartest people in this school and I'm not gonna ruin that. Shane's smile is quickly replaced with a frown. "Gosh, you're boring."

When school is finally over, I walk to the bus stop. But midway a hand pulls me away from my road. "Hey! I have to hurry, I don't wanna miss my bus." I see it's Amy who drags me in the direction of her car. "I want you to miss the bus, I mean I drive to your place anyway. So why not now and with you?" I look around the parking lot, but nobody seems to care so I let out a sigh in relief. Amy notices my behavior and starts laughing. "Come on, it's not that awful to be seen with me, weirdo. People won't start talking, just because I give you a ride." I stop and tilt my head a bit. "How do you know I'm concerned about that?" She continues laughing and unlocks the car. "Because everybody is? I know my reputation, I worked hard for it. So nobody likes to be friends with me." She winks at me and gets into the car. If her tone wasn't so lighthearted I would have assumed that she is kinda sad about that fact, but it doesn't seem like she really cared about that. So I get inside her car and I'm overwhelmed by the smell. Her car smells just like her. Not like leather, not like a car at all, just like her. I take a deep breath to consume her scent and she doesn't seem to notice. Normally people would assume that troublemaker are dirty and filthy, but Amy really isn't. And that confuses me for some reason. She starts the car and the radio starts blaring music. And if I'm not entirely wrong, the band is called Bowling for Soup. It's quite a good band, Amy has really nice taste in music if I may say so.

The drive is silent and we just listen to the music, it's mostly pop-punk from a mix CD Amy made for her car. She parks in front of my house and we walk up the driveway together. I hope that my parents aren't home and when I open the door I smell the sweet smell of pot. "Great." I groan, but Amy only chuckles. "I think I like your parents." I shoot her a lot, but let it slide this one time. I sigh and we make out way up the stairs. At least when they're stoned, they don't notice that much, quite ironic when I think about it. We enter my room and as soon as the door is closed she grabs my arm and pulls me close. "There is something that I wanted to do all day. And that is to have you all to myself." Her hands wander to my waist and she pulls me closer. And closer, until our lips touch. This is the same sensation I felt yesterday and maybe this is even better. When she pulls away I have my eyes closed for a few more seconds before opening them to a warm smile from the blonde in front of me. "I bet that was something you wanted to do all day, too?" She simply nods and leans in again. I guess we won't study then?


	10. Chapter 10

The whole week runs by like a dream. Going to school, going home, meeting either Amy or Shane and Lauren, going to sleep, repeat. And the next thing I know it's Friday and I sit in my room while Shane skims my closet. "Nope … nope … nope … maaaaybe … nope … nope … Aaah, here is what I've been looking for." He pulls out a blouse and a skirt. "You have to be fucking kidding me, I'm not wearing that blouse with that skirt." I look at him as he places the clothes in front of me. They do look nice together, but I would look so uptight in those clothes. I freeze, my eyes wide and I stare in front of me. Why did I just think that? Damn it, she can't get to me like this. "Karma are you alright? You look like you're having a heart attack or something." I shake my head and look over to him. "That's not how people look when they have a heart attack. God, you should read more." He shoots me a look and signals me to tell him what's wrong. "It's nothing," I shrug. "It's just that I … how do I put it? … I kinda feel casual today, so maybe I'll just wear my normal clothes." His face falls and he stares at me. "Normal clothes? To a party at Brandi's? Are you serious? That's social suicide." I stand up and put the clothes back into my closet. "I'll be fine, it's just one party and my stuff doesn't look that bad." I look through my closet myself and pull out a dress. "That'll work, don't you think?" I twirl around, holding the dress to my body. I stop when I notice that Shane is smiling at me. "What is it?" He stands up and pulls me in a hug. "Okay, weirdo. Can you explain to me what the fuck you're doing? You know I don't like physical contact." He backs away, holds me by my shoulders and wait … are his eyes watery? "I'm just so happy for you." I pull a confused face and he points at my dress. "That's the dress you wear when you want to impress somebody by not being fancy. You always wear it when someone's in your life you consider relationship material. So I guess that tonight you want to test the water" I wrinkle my nose and look at the dress, then back up to Shane. "You're delusional. That's just my favorite dress. That's all." He doesn't seem convinced. "So you're gonna PDA tonight with your girlfriend?" I put the dress on my bed and start changing. "What? No. She's not my girlfriend and I'm definitely not making out with her in front of the whole school." He starts pouting. "Why not? You two would look so cute together." I roll my eyes and walk to the bathroom. "Oh and by the way, I heard that she ditched Liam for something, I don't remember what. People heard them fighting again and he doesn't seem happy that she spends so much time with you. So I'd stay clear of him tonight if I were you." I make myself ready and don't say anything. Shane doesn't mind, he keeps talking. "You know, thinking of it, you really shouldn't do anything with Amy tonight. You haven't told Lauren-" "And I will never tell her." I chime in from the bathroom. "Yeah, right, and I still think that's a horrible idea. When this is getting serio-" "It won't get serious Shane. It's casual, we have fun, we spend time together. And we do nothing below the waist. At least not yet anyway." Shane looks at me confused. "Wait, she hasn't tried yet? Okay now I kinda believe you, that it's just a casual friendship." The word friendship makes me cringe, but that's what I want it to be, right? Shane moves away from the bathroom again and starts talking about the possibilities he has tonight. It makes me shiver how he talks about guys, but then I remember that just a few weeks ago, I talked about guy the same way. What has changed? Are these feelings really so … real? … strong? … I can't think straight anymore. I chuckle at the pun I made in my head. I'm so lame.

When I'm ready we walk down the stairs. I'm glad that Brandi lives just a few blocks away, so we can walk there and no one has to drive. Good for Shane that he intents to sleep at my place. My mother stops us when we're about to leave the house. "Karma? Can I talk to you for a second?" Oh here we go again. Shane winks at me and walks outside to wait for me. "What is it?" I ask, turning around to my mother, who clearly needs to stop taking whatever she takes, because she looks out of it. "When will you invite your lovely girlfriend to have dinner with us?" Lovely girlfriend? "Mom, I'm not in a relationship. Amy is just a friend, when will you get that?" She shakes her head and smiles. "Yeah right. No friend looks that happy when she leaves you room." So hiding Amy from my parents backfired, but whatever. I sigh and turn around. "Just invite her for dinner some time. Your father and I want to get to know her." "Yeah, alright. I'll talk to her." And with that I shut the door close.

We walk over to Brandi's where Lauren was waiting for us at the front door. On the way we walk about all kind of stuff, but about nothing at all, really. "Maybe Mr Hart is into kinky stuff" Shane says, thinking about my English teacher. He's very strict, yet passionate about some stuff, so why not talk about our teacher's sex life? "Thanks for that unnecessary picture in my head doofus." I cringe and punch his shoulder lightly. We burst out laughing and that's when Lauren notices us. "What's so funny?" In between laughter Shane menages "The imagination of Hart spanking his wife." I can't stop laughing while Lauren makes gagging noises. "Ew, you guys are disgusting." Finally I'm able to calm down a bit, while tears running down my cheeks. I haven't laughed like that in a long time. "Come on Lauren, the thought is pretty hilarious." She just rolls her eyes and turns to the door. "It's so great that the biggest minds of Hester are so damn immature." Shane nudges her shoulder with his own and grins. "Thanks darling, but I'm really not _that_ smart." She turns to glare at him. "As if I was talking about you, you shitface." When the thought of Amy crosses my mind, my laughter dies completely. Thank god nobody seems to take notice when I enter the house frowning. The moment I enter, Amy stands in front of me, grinning. "You look beautiful tonight." The smell of alcohol that escapes her mouth as she speaks, makes it more than obvious that she's intoxicated, but not completely loaded. She can still stand straight and steady, so she's good for now. She leans in to hug me and I feel my breath fasten, her arms make their way around my shoulders and the hair in the back of my neck stands up straight. She pulls me in to a tight hug and gosh it feels so fucking good. Why did I have to fall for Amy out of all people? I feel my arms slowly making their way around her torso, but in the last second I switch them from embrace mode into defense mode and push her away, in a gentle way though. "What are you doing, Amy?" I whisper and I can see her frowning, her face overloading with disappointment of my action. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that here," I try to explain, but she just shakes her head and walks away from me. Great. "What the hell was that?" I hear Lauren ask Shane in her bitchiest voice ever. She doesn't like the small display of affection she just witnessed, even if it was just a hug, I mean she's well aware of the fact that I hate body contact. "Nothing Lauren." I turn to her and she musters me. "Sure, nothing, right. So the devil likes you, huh? When did you two start hanging out?" I look over to Shane, pleading him for help, but he just shrugs helplessly. Then I remember something, this might work. "Well, she kinda wants to, like, joing AP English and you know how strict Mr Hart is and everything. So she wanted me to help her with her literature, you know?" Lauren thinks for a moment. "She ready a lot of books lately that doesn't seem like her. And thinking about it, they kinda look like your books." She shrugs and turns to walk away. "You're too nice Ashcroft. But how about getting drunk now?" We follow her into the kitchen and I'm reminded on the reason why I hate parties at Brandi's: Malibu coconut liquor. She always drinks this devil's brew and it's the only beverage next to a keg of beer. I feel the urge to vomit when I look over to Shane. He sees my reaction and pulls something out of his jacket. Oh great, my favorite! He puts the bottle of Jägermeister on the table and pours us a drink. This is just such a delight way to get drunk. We start off with a mix between Jäger and coke. We walk into the living room, just to witness a display of Brandi's sluttiest behavior. Everybody knows that she only throws those parties to get with Liam, who clearly isn't interested in her. I spot Amy sitting on the couch texting or whatever she's doing with her phone, ignoring the girl next to her who clearly tries flirting. I can't help but smile that it's not working. Lauren walks over to Tommy to start their regular play of PDA they do at every party. I pull a face and feel Shane tugging on my sleeve. "Let's be predictable" He says, smiling at me. "Please don't say it." "Karma drinks!" I groan, well 'Karma drinks' is the name he calls a little drinking game we always play, where we ask each other question and when you don't want to answer a question you have to take a shot, when you answer the question truthfully, your opposite has to take a shot. As for the name, he calls it that, because he answers every question and he knows what questions I don't answer.

Halfway into the game I'm already quite drunk, because this guy asks me stuff like "What positions did you do the last time you had sex" and I cringe already at the thought of talking to people about that. I'd like to keep things like that private, even in from Shane. We sit in one corner of the living room on the ground, so that we're not disturbed and I look over to skim the room when my eyes fixate on someone. Shivers run down my spine, I get hot and really cold at the same time, my breathing fastens and there is this tug in my stomach that makes me want to barf. So the skank from before did it and lured Amy into a make out session. I feel sick, this isn't happening. "I don't think I need this game anymore." I take the bottle and take a huge gulp. Shane looks at me concerned and follows my gaze from before. He freezes and his eyes widen. "No, Karma. You shouldn't drink because of her. Don't let that bitch drag you down." I take another gulp and get up, I really don't want to see this. The sudden dizziness that you get when you stand up after you drank hit me and I almost fall over, but I stumble up the stairs with almost no problem. I know that there's this balcony and I go there every party because nobody else does.

I lean over the balcony and watch the people in the garden. "Pretty fucked up this whole scheme, don't you think?" I jump and turn around. Liam stands behind me with a soft smile on his face. "God Liam, you almost killed me. What do you want?" He breathes out a small laughter and positions himself next to me. "I don't know I like it here, the view is nice and for some reason I want to know what Amy sees in you." I roll my eyes and turn around again, trying to ignore that thing next to me. I'm drunk, but I'm not stupid, I'm not gonna talk to Liam. "So, you guys are a thing now or what?" I don't answer. "I mean you spend so fucking much time together, you could think that something's going on." I don't answer. All I can think about is her lips on the lips of another girl. How could she, when I was right there? "But I really don't get it, you guys are so not made for each other." I don't answer, but my resistance lowers with each of his sentences. I feel the blood boiling more and more with each second, and now it's really not only because of Amy, but because of Liam, too. "Okay fine, then we don't talk about Amy. Let's talk about this amazing view." I look over to him with a raised eyebrow. "The view here is nothing special, you just see the rich side of Austin, amazing really" I scoff and he just chuckles. "Well, if you look over there you could see the countryside right outside of Austin, and I really like that view." He points somewhere and my eyes follow his direction. Like I said before, the view is nice, but nothing special. "You have a was better view from Amy's bedroom window to be honest." I realized just as I said it, that it sounded so stupid and as if I was there so many times. I've been to here house like 3 times or something. We always go to my place, because I don't want to see Lauren. He just shrugs and looks down. After a moment he lets his spit fall down on someone beneath us. I punch his shoulder. "Are you fucking kidding me?! How could you do that? That's so disgusting." I take my cup and leave. Wait, when did I get my cup up here? Oh whatever.

I drown the liquid and head downstairs, somehow things got way more clouded after that last gulp. I just shake my head to clear it a bit and head towards Shane on the dance floor. They were playing Addicted to You, by Aviici and I immediately skim the room for Amy, but I couldn't find her. She's probably in a room with her little skank, but whatever, I'm going to have fun tonight. Shane pulls me closer to him. "Where were you? Are you alright?" I just shrug as a response and start dancing. There goes this feeling through my body that I can't really explain, but it feels like the best feeling ever. It's a rush, a sudden burst of endorphin and affection. I have the urge to hug people and so I go and hug Shane who's absolutely startled by my actions. "Karma? You sure you're alright?" I take his hands and twirl us around. "I'm more than fine, I've never been better. The world is amazing, don't you think?" He looks at me a bit scaptical but shrugs eventually and obliges to my actions that I want to dance with him. A few songs go by until a sad, couple-y song comes up and I groan. "Ugh, I want to dance, why do couples always have to be such downers? They can sway to dance music, too." Shane chuckles and brings me another drink. "I don't know what's happening here, Karma, but I like you tonight even more than normally." I take a sip from my drink and fall almost over. "Well, that's because right now I don't feel one bad thing, you know? Everything's like a beautiful dream and I'm the queen of the world." I twirl around while saying that last sentence and hit the counter of the kitchen. I didn't know we were in the kitchen. I laugh at my sudden realization where I was when I saw something on the counter. A sheet of paper with familiar handwriting on it. I frown. There's my name, twice. Once in normal handwriting and once in calligraphy. I frown even more, where do I know this handwriting from? And in connection with calligraphy? Wait … no … it's the author's handwriting. I snatch the piece of paper and put it in my pocket before walking off, I don't know where.

The next thing I know is I sit somewhere in the house, I have no clue where and I'm playing with a kitten. Such a beautiful kitten. I can't stop laughing as the kitten plays with my hand. It's so cute, I wish I was a kitten, that would be awesome. I keep playing with this small ball of fur. "Karma? Is that you?" I turn around to see Amy coming out of a room, so I sit in a doorway, that's cool. "Karma, what are you doing here? I've been looking for you everywhere." I look at her with a huge grin and say "I'm stroking Brandi's pussy." And start laughing uncontrollably. Amy walks over to me and bends down. "You what? Oh thank god it's an actual cat." She kneels down next to me and scoops up the kitten. "She actually shouldn't be out here with all there people around, let's take her into a room." She gets up and I follow her groggily, almost falling with every step. I'm still grinning and when we're in the room, my arms find their way around Amy from behind. "I've missed you, Amy." I say. She turns around and looks at me. "You're drunk, Karma. You didn't miss me." I place my hands on her chest and sigh. "Of course I missed you, I missed your lips on mine like crazy when I saw you making out with that whore." She takes my hands and shakes her head. "Oh you must be really loaded … wait, Karma, your hands are bloody. Why are your hands bloody and why are there all those scratches?" I look at my hands and she was right, blood was dripping everywhere and it looked so beautiful that I couldn't help but smile. "Karma? Answer me!" I look up at her, again with a huge grin. "It must've been the kitten, we played for a long time, she was always attacking my hand." Amy narrowed her eyes at me. "And it didn't hurt you?" I shake my head. "I didn't feel a thing." I continue grinning. Her eyes widen and she runs to the light switch to turn on the lights. She grabs me by the shoulders and looks me deeply in the eyes. "So you don't feel pain, do you feel lightheaded? And a sudden rush of happiness? You're not tired, are you?" I tilt my head slightly and smile at her. "You're so beautiful, Amy. Have I ever told you that before?" She shakes her head slightly and stares at my eyes. "God, your pupils are as big as your iris. With who did you talk tonight?" I wrinkle my nose and close one eye. "I talked to Shane, Lauren, Liam and now you." I say, I'm pretty sure I haven't forgotten anybody. She takes a deep breath. "I'm going to kill him. But before I do that, I'm gonna take you home." I pout and sit down at the floor. "but I don't wanna!" Amy runs her hand through her hair and bends down to me. "Look Karma, Liam drugged you and now I have to get you sober, because I don't have a clue what he gave to you. Trust me, he's gonna pay for that." I cross my arms and think. Me? Drugged? Nah, I don't believe it. "I still don't want to go, though." I say, my mood slowly comes down again. "How can I convince you to go home with me?" I look up at the ceiling and then I look at her. No, not directly at her, I look at her lips and start to smile. She sighs and leans in. Our lips touch and I feel just as happy as I did a few moments ago, this is amazing. But it ends too soon. "If you come with me, I'm gonna kiss you again, okay?" She says, she sounds like a teacher. But I happily agree, not being able to wait for the next kiss to come.

She takes me outside, but not before telling Shane what happened. Her hand is in mine, and I don't know why she keeps holding it so tight, I guess she's scared that I run away, but for some reason her touch alone sobered me a bit and I'm still very happy to go home with her right now, even though this is the second time she has to take care of me after a party.


	11. Chapter 11

I woke up to loud voices, I groan and open my eyes, and I see that no one is in the room. The voices must come from outside, but they don't sound that muffled. This is the second time I wake up in Amy's bed after a party, at least today I know how I got here.

I try to listen to the people outside the door and I can clearly detect that the one voice is Amy, yeah, definitely Amy.

"You can be lucky I'm not calling the cops on you, you know?! How could you do something that fucking stupid to her?!"

Then I hear a laugh, a pretty familiar laugh. Liam.

"It was just a joke, nothing drastic happened. Chill out drama queen."

"It could have happened something! She was lucky! And I was lucky I searched for her! God knows what she was going to do next! You're such a fucking asshole, what did you give to her anyway?"

"Nothing harmful, just some prescription meds."

"Just prescription meds?" Her voice gets louder with every word, she scares me a little. "Why Liam, why?! Why the fuck did you do that?!"

I try to concentrate on what they're saying, but my head feels like it's gonna explode any second now.

"I did it, because I thought it was funny." His laughter dies down. "You really care about this nerd, don't you?"

"Of course I do! I always have! Why is that so hard to get?! And after last night, I can tell you one thing, Liam: She means way more to me than you ever will."

There was a long pause before he talks again. "You know what? I would do it all over again. This smart ass bitch got what she deserved."

"Oh you didn't just say that." I can hear her voice shaking a bit, I have the feeling she tries hard not to yell.

"Oh I did, and you know it's true." After his words there was a pause.

"Fuck off, Liam." Her voice is calm, a bit too calm if you ask me. It's this calm where you're too aggressive to yell and too aggressive to function properly all in all. "Get the fuck out of my house, now."

I can hear footsteps. "I know that you'll come crawling back to me after she dumps you over her popularity status."

"Bite me!"

I hear a door open and closing, and a thump against the door of Amy's room. What was that? I mean … what … wow. I can't think straight, his words got to me even though they were supposed to hurt Amy. Damn it.

I hear the door open and quickly lie down as if I've slept the whole time. She sits down next to me and strokes my hair gently.

"He's gonna regret what he did to you." She whispers the words with so much power that her voice fills the whole room. Then she places a kiss on my forehead and I can't help but smile, so now my cover is gone. I open my eyes slowly and look at her.

"Good morning, beautiful," she says as she smiles down at me and I don't even try to control my next move.

I grab her by her collar and pull her down to me to kiss her. A familiar warm feeling spreads in my body as our lips touch. She pulls away slowly with a soft smile.

"Wow, this morning really is good, who would've thought? But with what do I deserve this kiss?"

I think back five minutes ago when she had this fight with Liam and I remember that she thinks that I slept through that. She really has feelings for me, she wants to protect me, nobody ever wanted to protect me like she does.

That thought makes me blush furiously and I try to pull the covers over my face, but she holds them in place. She looks at me expectant and I realize that I didn't answer her question.

I shrug and say "I just felt like it, am I not allowed to?"

"No, of course you're not allowed to do that." She winks at me. "So how did you sleep?" She takes my hand in hers and starts playing with it.

"Not bad, good actually, I just have this crushing headache and I feel like I'm gonna die any second."

She frowns at me and I see her body tense. She mumbles something to herself and this time I really can't hear her. I place my other hand on her thigh and she instantly relaxes under my touch. Wow, this is incredible.

"I'm gonna get you a glass of water, do you want something to eat?"

I look down at her hands and then back at her. "I don't want to make any trouble. Your parents will suspect someone in your room if you take food up here."

She smiles and shakes her head. "Don't be silly, you'll never be trouble for me-" but maybe you for me "-and by the way, my parents aren't home, they're gone for the weekend. And Lauren didn't come home from the party, so no worries, I'd love to make you some breakfast."

I think back to the breakfast she made me after the last party, it was the best food I ever had in my entire life. In exactly this moment my stomach decides to make a deep growl. She chuckles and gets up from the bed.

"I guess that's a yes then."

I mumble to myself "wow, well that was real sexy," while I get up, too.

"You don't have to come down with me." She looks at me while I stand there, pursing my lips, looking to the ground with my hands folded on my back. "But well, I'd love to have you with me." She sighs.

I look up at her and try to hide my smile. She shakes her head while breathing out a laughter and she heads to the door. Throwing over my sweater from last night, I follow her. It's freezing in here. I follow her downstairs, smiling to myself.

When we're in the kitchen she turns around with a smirk. "What do you want to eat? I can make you everything you like, eggs, pancakes, bacon, waffles?"

I pull my sweater closer to my body and shrug, "Waffles sound nice, I guess."

Her smile grows as she watches me carefully. "Sweet or salty?"

I frown at her. "Salty waffles? Which perverted mind invented those?"

She chuckles at my remark. "They taste quite amazing with cheese and bacon, but I reckon you're the sweet type. I should've guessed that." She winks at me and turns around.

I feel my face heating up, she really has to stop flirting with me, I can't deal with that and not kissing her the next moment. She prepares the dough for the waffles, while I walk up behind her, looking over he shoulder. I have to go on my tiptoes to see something and I have to secure myself by holding her waist. She tenses up a bit under my touch and her breath hitches, but she quickly recovers.

When the dough is ready, she puts the first portion in the waffle iron and turns around to me.

"You should stop that, you know?"

I look at her blankly, I know exactly what she means, but I kinda wanna hear her say it.

"What?"

She puts her arms around my waist and pulls me closer. "Making me want to kiss you."

I feel a smile spreading on my face while I put my hands on her chest, right underneath her collarbone. "Maybe I want you to kiss me."

She leans closer so our faces are inches apart from each other. My heartbeat fastens and I feel her breath on my skin.

"Maybe I want to kiss you," she almost whispers, looking at my lips.

I let my hands wrap around her neck and close my eyes. "Then kiss me," I whisper.

In the next second our lips touch and my headache is gone, replaced with butterflies in my stomach and a feeling, almost like relieve, in my chest. I smile into the kiss and she bites my bottom lip as she pulls away. She pulls her arms away and turns around to give her full attention to the waffles.

I feel myself pout, I know she does it to annoy me, and the annoying thing is it's working. Thinking about it, two can play that game. My arms make their way around her stomach and I start kissing her neck. I feel hair neck hair rising as she clears her throat and tries to ignore me. When I get to her pulse point I bite down ever so gently and I watch her hands as she lets everything drop that was in her hand and she clenches them into fists. A smirk makes its way to my lips and I kiss my way to her earlobe where I start to nibble on it. Her breathing gets heavier with every second and her body tenses up immensely, I really enjoy myself at this moment.

Suddenly without a warning, she turns around, quickly lifts me up and sets me down on the counter, as she kisses my neck. It's not heated in any way, she's really gently and soft, caring and loving. No one would ever believe me that Amy could be like that. I push her off a bit to look at her. Her pupils are gigantic and she pants lightly, her lips are slightly parted and her hands are on my upper thighs.

I shake my head, I can't stand her looking at me like that. I pull her in to kiss her, our lips move in sync, like always, and I try to concentrate on her hand movements when they wrap around my back. My hands are in her hair and I tug on it lightly the moment I feel her smile. I pull away and look at her, she smiles at me with her bright green eyes and her ever so cute expression. Fuck it, I can do that. We can do that.

"I think I have to talk to Lauren." I say after a few seconds. She looks at me confused.

"Why that?"

I stroke my thumb along her cheek, still admiring the view. "Well if I want to ask out her stepsister, I should tell her, if she'd find out another way she'd kill me."

She bites her lip and grabs the pockets of my sweater. "You want to go out with me? What about your reputation and everything?"

I sigh and start playing with a lock of her hair. "Why can't I be with the person I want to be and have a good reputation? Yes, at first they will look weird at us and they will make stupid comments and everything, but soon they will see you the way I see you. At least the people I want that to see, the other people can suck my ass, seriously. Nobody should care about who I'm dating but me." This is the first time I really say it out loud and I feel like it's the truth. It has to be the truth, because I feel her coming closer again and our lips meet. She puts her hand inside the pockets of my sweater and pulls away, pulling out a piece of paper from my pocket. I frown at the sheet and so does she. She eyes it and frowns even more.

She turns around the sheet and raises an eyebrow. "Isn't this the handwriting from the letter guy?"

"Girl," I say, grabbing the sheet to see that it's only the small piece of paper I took from the party.

"Why do you have that in there?" She gestures at my sweater and still looks confused.

"I found that at the party, while you made out with that whore." Her eyes grow wide and her lips part. She backs away from me and avoids eye contact.

"Oh … that … I didn't meant to-"

"It's fine, trust me." I interrupt her, I don't want to hear excuses, it was a party and we're not together. "Everything's alright, as you see I'm in your kitchen and you're … well you're not making me breakfast anymore."

She looks over to the iron and where she intended to make waffles. "Shit!" She jumps over to the iron and proceeds making my breakfast.

I chuckle lightly, jump off the counter and give her a peck on the cheek before leaving the kitchen. "I think I should leave you alone doing this, I have the feeling I'm a bit too much of a distraction." I wink at her and feel her glaring at me as I walk to the living room.

I sit on the couch when she leaves the kitchen with a plate full of waffles and some coffee.

"That looks amazing" I state while she plops down next to me, smiling.

"Thank you, I hope they taste good, too. I usually don't make waffles from scratch."

I look at her with a probably quite confused expression. "Then why did you do that then?"

Again she avoids my eyes and looks at the TV which isn't turned on. "I don't know, because I want to impress you?" She shrugs shyly and I can't help but chuckle a bit.

"That's adorable, thank you so much." I lean over to place a soft kiss on her cheek. I can see her blush and she still looks at the TV.

"How about watching a movie while we eat?" She looks over to me with an awkward smile and I return her smile and nod.

"Sounds quite nice, I don't hear me declining."

She grins and gets up to set everything, while I start eating. The waffles are amazing, I really have to give it to her. How can somebody cook so well?

She sits back down and scrolls through her netflix queue, there are mostly documentaries, but when I suddenly detect a movie that I love.

"Stop." I say, grabbing her hand that holds the remote. "Go back two movies, can we watch that?"

She looks at the screen and then at me. "The Art Of Getting By? Are you sure?"

I simply nod as a response and she shrugs.

"It's fine by me, I wanted to watch it for a long time now."

She starts the movie and puts the plate on her lab, possibly with the intention that I have to scoop closer to her to get my breakfast. She also lifts her arm on the backrest of the couch, what looks so inviting to snuggle into her. She doesn't even look at me and just eats the waffles while here eyes are glued to the screen. Fuck it. I'm moving closer to her, laying my head on her shoulder while she wraps her arm around me. I know that she smiles right now and to be honest, I smile, too.

That's how we watch the movie, in complete silence with occasional glances at each other, eating the waffles and drinking the coffee. It feels awesome, I've never been that happy in my life. And we're not even dating … yet. The movie is not bad, either. I've seen it before, it's one of my favorites. The way he discovers that it's worth doing something if you see purpose in it is so precious.

When the movie is over she looks down at me. "Lauren will be back soon, so if you don't want her to see you, maybe you should go. You don't have to, though. We could just go to my room, you know?"

I breathe out a small laughter while I look at the watch on the wall, it's 2pm. "No, it's fine. I really should go, my parents didn't even know I was gone for the night. They must be worried."

She looks a bit disappointed, but she nods. We get up and I dress myself in the clothes from last night, Amy offers me some of her clothes, but I can't wear her clothes all the time.

"Fine, don't take my stuff if you don't like it. But I'm gonna take you home. Chiron needs the walk just as much as I do." Oh right, Chiron, I completely forgot about this big ball of fur.

"Where is he, anyway?" I ask while she gets his leash.

"I put him in the backyard this morning, he loves to stay there on days like this." She opens the back door and Chiron runs inside jumping up and down, clearly happy to see me. I don't remember him last night, so I have some sort of black out, but it's probably not as severe as the last time.

We walk to my house, hand in hand, obviously. Completely oblivious to the people we meet on the street who know either me or her. When we arrive she stops, pulling me close.

"I had a great morning, thank you."

I smile at her. "And I had an amazing breakfast, thanks to you."

She leans closer and places a soft kiss on my lips. "Don't forget to talk to Lauren, I'm awaiting a date request within the next days." She winks at me and turns around.

"I will, see ya." I send a little wave in her direction, even though she can't see it. I sigh deeply and look up to the window of my room where I see Shane. I knew he would be there, I said he could stay at mine, he doesn't care if with me or not. I see him up there with a huge grin spread across his face and I brace myself to go inside.


	12. Chapter 12

I take a deep breath before opening the door to my room, I swing the door open and am greeted by Shane's huge grin.

"So is it official now? What exactly did happen? Do you hate Liam now? Did you two have sex?"

I groan and turn around to immediately leave my room again, but he grabs my arm.

"Please Karma, I've been waiting the whole morning to get this story and your parents really freak me out. You owe me for not staying here with me."

I look over to him with a raised eyebrow. "I don't owe you anything it wasn't my decision to stay at her place."

"But you did stay there, and you stayed there quite long. Come on just tell me" he whines the last sentence and I groan again, motioning him to sit down.

"So she told you that Liam put something in my drink and then she wanted to take me to my place, but I told her I didn't want to go there. Just like I did the last party. So we went to her place, she gave me stuff to wear and I fell asleep." Then I told him about the morning, how Liam was there and that she made me breakfast and we were watching a movie. I didn't tell him about the kisses, though, that's none of his business.

"Aww, sounds so cute! So when is it official between you two?"He clutches his hands over his heart and lets himself fall backwards on my bed.

"Maybe never, depends what Lauren's gonna say about it." He sits up straight and stares at me with an open mouth.

"What does Lauren have to do with that? I mean you don't want to ask her for permission are you?"

I look at him with a raised eyebrow. "I wouldn't call it asking for permission, rather tell one of my best friends that I'm somehow falling for her stepsister who she hates."

There is a moment of silence after my statement, you can see how he thinks about my words, how he tries to detect if it makes sense or not.

"She will get pissed when you don't … wait. You said you're falling for Amy. You just said you're falling for her!" He jumps up and down on my bed as I bury my face in my hands. I should think more about the stuff I'm saying, this guy can be so annoying. Then he suddenly stops again.

"Wait, why? I don't get it, what do you see in her? You never fall for the bad girls. You never really fell for anybody, really."

He was kinda right I gotta give that to him, but still she is different than anybody else, but how do I explain that?

"Well let's start with the fact that she looks absolutely stunning and is more than beautiful, especially her eyes. And she wants to protect me and she really does protect me, I love that about her. She can also cook, she makes the best food ever, at least for breakfast. She cares so much about her dog, I bet you didn't even know she had one, but he is amazing, Chiron is a great guy. She is smart and wants to get smarter day by day, her grades are actually important to her, she's the second best student in the school. That's what Lauren meant yesterday. And even though she pretends that she doesn't like her family I can see that she loves her mother and she gets along quite well with Bruce." I realize that I just rambled and shut up quickly, avoiding Shane's gaze.

"WHAT?!" I know exactly that Shane makes is signature face with his mouth wide open, like he's shocked, but still smiling. "Oh my god, you must love her!" He gushes and I just roll my eyes.

"Shut up, love is such an overused word, it's used way too soon and way too often. I don't love her, I have feelings for her, yes. But it's not love."

"Yet." He says, nudging my shoulder. "So when do you plan on telling Lauren that you're going on a date with the enemy?"

I haven't thought about that, yet. Okay let's see, I can't tell her today, I'm not ready to do that. Sunday is a stupid day to tell her, it will seem forced that I want to meet her and she will detect that it's about something she doesn't want to hear. Monday? I don't know, she's always so moody on Mondays, like she has this allergic reactions to Mondays.

"How about Tuesday? She likes Tuesdays, she's in her best mood during practice and in any other mood she might kill me." I dare to look at him and he purses his lips. "What's up? Are you not okay with how I live my life?"

"Actually," he begins, "I still don't get why you even have to tell her, think about it, you just said it's your life. She has nothing to do with it. If you want to be with Amy, be with her. But I swear to you, if she hurts you or if she hurts me, which would be worse, I'll make her life miserable." He raises his pointer finger and puts it on my chest. "Do you understand? If she gets aggressive or anything, I'll run."

Oh right, Amy still has her mood swings, just like Lauren. But I can calm her, I know that. I always forget that she's different around other people, it's so weird that she's so nice to me and such an asshole to everybody else.

"Karma?" Shane's voice brings me back to reality. "So why exactly do you want to tell Lauren before going out with Amy?"

I sigh and look him in the eyes. "Look, it's fairly simple: I care about my friendship to her, so if I want to go out with someone close to her, I want to tell her. If she say no, I'm still gonna ask Amy out, but she has the right to know."

He finally agrees and sees the point, but he says it's stupid to wait until Tuesday. After this we talk about the rest of the day and how we will organize practice the coming week.

It's Monday and Shane lets himself fall into the seat next to me.

"Why do we have to have history on a Monday morning?"

History is one of the classes I don't have advanced, mostly because I'm not interested in general history.

"I don't know, just accept it and finish your coffee, you know that Mr Linefeld hates when you drink it during the lesson." He looks at the cup in front of him, that I bought this morning, and his face lightens.

"Aww you're too cute, you bought me coffee." I roll my eyes in response and return my attention to the book I'm reading.

When it's almost time for the bell to ring, Shane nudges my shoulder hard. "Did you know that your girlfriend has this class with us?"

Frowning I turn to the door and my eyes instantly widen. What does Amy do here? Is she really in this class? She looks around the room and her eyes doesn't even meet mine. I sit in the far back with Shane and she sits down two rows in front of us, next to the window.

"She looks really pissed, I wonder what's going on," I say while keeping my eyes glued to her back. I see Shane nodding in the corner of my eye, he stares at her, too with an open mouth.

The bell rings and the lessons starts, but she doesn't say anything during the whole class. Shane leans over to me.

"She must've skipped this class the whole year, I heard that she was sent to the principal's office before school started this morning, people say she has to attend all classes now for the rest of the year or they will hold her back a year."

I frown at him. "How do you know that?"

He shrugs in response, "I was curious so I sent out a mass text and people know stuff." Okay this guy is the master of gossip, I wonder if it's true, it would explain her mood at least.

She just sits there, tipping her pen against her desk with an emotionless expression, staring out of the window. I wouldn't find that odd, she always does that, but she also moves her leg like an hyperactive child. What is wrong with her?

The teacher approaches her and as a reflex I slide down my chair.

"So people back then were acting in naive realism, they only believed in what they saw, and when they couldn't explain what they saw, they blamed god. Would you agree with me Mrs Raudenfeld?"

Amy completely ignores him and continues staring out the window. I know she listens to him, but she doesn't answer.

"Mrs Raudenfeld, if you want to make this year, you have to participate in class. An A in the exam is simply not enough for you anymore to get through."

She snaps her head in his direction and glares at him. "I'm here even though I'm clearly repelled to your teaching, why isn't that enough?"

"Well after the incident last month and the one a few days ago, the whole staff decided not to let you off that hood that easy, so you have to participate or the attendance is worth nothing."

I lean over to Shane. "What incidents are they talking about?"

"Well last month she broke into the office after school, remember that?"

That was the first thing we really talked about, of course I remember that. I nod.

"Well the secretary told me that she deleted footage from the surveillance camera and changed the records of students. Like she changed the grades of the bimbos into worse grades and she also Changed Lauren's attendance record, but she has no clue about that, okay? Well, Amy was interrupted by the janitor and that's basically the main reason why she had detention the last month and until graduation. Normally there would have been legal stuff happening, but her mother begged the school board not to press charges. I don't know anything about another incident."

"What the actual fuck?! Just because I reflected people's intelligence in their grades and had some fun in the library, I have to do all of this shit?! Oh you know what? Fuck all of this, I'm out of here."

She gets up and storms out the room, leaving a classroom full of shocked students, staring at the door in complete silence. Mr Linefeld walks to the front again.

"Well that was quite something, and now we continue with the lesson ..."

While he starts talking again, Shane leans over to me again. "You should do something about your girlfriend, she seems a bit off today." He whispers.

I glare at him, but my face quickly softens. "Could you stop calling her my girlfriend? But you're kinda right, this is worse than she normally is."

I pull out my phone, I need to know what's going on.

_Hey, is everything alright? You seem pretty mad._

I don't even have to wait long for the answer.

_Everything's alright, really._

Then I feel my phone buzzing again.

_Just keep away from me for today, for your own good._

I let out a deep sigh and put away my phone. Shane looks at me questioning, but I just shrug him off. I don't feel like talking right now.

During lunch everything was pretty calm again and I sit on my usual table with Shane and Lauren, we talk about the party from last Friday.

"Oh the party was great, I had so much fun, but where did you go Karma?" Lauren asks, "I haven't seen you throughout the night."

Might be because your face was glued to your boyfriend.

"I wasn't feeling well and went home early, I didn't want to ruin the party for anybody else."

In this moment Amy runs past us, a cloud of nicotine and alcohol smell follows her, and she barges right up to Liam.

"YOU DID THIS!" she screams at him and everybody in the cafeteria turns and looks at them. "You fucking demented asshole did this! I know exactly it was you! How could you do this to me?!"

Nobody moves in the whole room, just Liam chuckles a bit and leans back in his chair.

"And what exactly did I do?" His grin tells that he knows exactly what he supposedly did, and that he did it.

"You fucking cunt placed one of my notes next to a broken window of the chem lab where stuff was stolen on Saturday night! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

He gets up slowly and places his hand on the table in front of him, glaring at Amy. "Everybody gets what they deserve, and after you ratted out my family business to people, you deserve nothing less. I bet you told your little girlfrie-"

"Don't you dare talk about her!" She moves towards him, her jaw tightened, her fists clenched and her breathing heavy. "And what do you mean? I never told anyone about your family, why would I?!"

He just rolls his eyes, "Why wouldn't you. You want revenge after Friday. Just because I had some fun with Ka-"

Before he could finish his sentence, she goes to punch him directly in the face. There are gasps all around the cafeteria and Liam goes down. She leans down to him to punch him again but I get hold of her arm. I don't know how I got there so quickly, but I can't let her do this, this will only bring more trouble.

"Amy don't." That's all I could say and the moment I touched her she relaxes.

Her fists aren't clenched anymore and she lets out a deep breath. She still glares down at him and then looks at me. He expression is dark, but her eyes are somewhat soft, but they darken again. She glares around the cafeteria and frees herself from my grip.

"You should stay away from me." She almost whispers so only I can hear it, and then she marches outside while Irma the lunchlady runs to help Liam's face.

"What the fuck was that?" I turn around to see Lauren with crossed arms standing behind me, an eyebrow arched and her head slightly tilted.

I bite my lip and furrow my eyebrows, there is no way around this now. I look around and see everybody staring at me, I was pretty obvious I guess.

"Well, I think I have to tell you something" I begin.


	13. Chapter 13

I look around again and see that people are still staring.

"Oh fuck this," I grab her arm and pull her outside, to my surprise she obliges. We walk to the library and go to the far back.

"So can you please tell me why you interfered with those two idiots?" She crosses her arms again and glares at me.

I take a deep breath before answering. "Because I might be one of the reasons they fight."

Her eye grow wide and her mouth drops and her expression looks somewhat disgusted. "And how could that be possible? What do you have to do with them? Seriously Karma, what the fuck?!"

Fuck, this is absolutely not how I wanted to tell her, but there's no way back now. I really don't have a good feeling about all of this right now.

"Well, Amy and I have been hanging out a bit lately and-"

"You what? I'm sorry, I thought you said you hung out with my stepsister." Lauren's face darkens again and right now I really don't want to tell her. Why does she hate Amy so much?

"Well, that's kinda what I said. Look, let me explain please, it's pretty hard for me to talk about it."

I pause for her reaction, but she just lifts one eyebrow and glares at me.

"Okay, first things first: Amy and I are lab partners and that's how we started talking in the first place. And one day we started talking about other stuff than chemistry and we started bonding or whatever. We talked about literature and I already told you that I give her some of my books to read for the AP English class, that was no lie."

She eyes me for a few seconds and shakes her head. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?! Huh?! Why the fuck did you keep this from me?! So you two are friends now?! Good for you!" I've never heard words so sarcastic out of her mouth. "Or are you more than friends? Because you fit perfectly in her dating rules. Yeah, you make a great victim for her."

With her last sentence my gaze falls from hers and I look at the ground, pursing my lips, trying not to say too much.

"No way. I was right? You two are banging behind my back?!"

"What?! No!" I reacted so quickly I didn't even notice the words coming from my mouth, I look up again meeting her eyes that are dark and full of anger. "I've never slept with her!"

"As if I'd believe you know! I bet you're having this cute little affair for months now and you never thought about telling me! How could you?!"

For some people, this doesn't seem like a huge deal, but we promised to always be honest to each other, to always tell each other everything. And now I broke that promise.

"We're not having an affair! And I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how, I mean you hate her so much and I really like her."

Lauren's arms fall to her sides and her eyes widen again. "You're kidding me, right? You fell for my pretentious, idiotic maniac of a stepsister? And again, you didn't tell me." Her voice was calm now and I know that this isn't good. "Don't you trust me at all with stuff like that? Seriously Karma, why didn't you tell me?"

My eyes leave hers again and I look around the room, searching for something to fixate on. But I fail and my eyes meet hers again.

"I was scared, okay? I'm still fucking scared, I know how much you dislike her and right now, that's the situation I was scared of. You being disappointed of me."

There is a long pause and I can feel the hair on my neck slowly standing up.

"I'm pissed, Karma. Pissed and disappointed, but mostly I just can't understand why you didn't tell me. We had a promise, and I thought it meant something to you, I meant something to you. But I guess I was wrong." She slowly turns around with a sigh. "Have fun with Amy. I'm out of here. Don't bother calling me any time soon, please just leave me alone." And with that she walks away.

I have the urge to go after her, but on the other side I know that it's pointless. She's made up her mind and right now I can't do anything to make it better. I have to stay clear of her for a while. Hopefully Amy's mood will be better tomorrow.

In the rest of the classes today I stayed out of the spotlight, I took my notes and said nothing at all, I really didn't feel like talking anymore. I texted Amy a few times, asking her to meet me after school, but she didn't reply at all. Why does all of this has to be so complicated? This whole thing is such a mess. All I wanted to do is to go home, but oh right, my attendance record is way more important than my desires. My almost perfect score is more important than anything else. I should stop thinking like this. School is not everything and I know that, but until now nothing felt as important as my future, well nothing but her.

Lying in my bed, blinds down, staring at the dark ceiling, hearing the occasional _pling_ my phone makes when I get another text and miss another call, my mind wanders to her. Everything surrounds her, my thoughts, my actions, I can't do anything without it being about her. I turn to my side, where I hope to see her face looking at me, but of course my bed is empty, how did she do that? How did she consume my thoughts so much? How did she make me so obsessed with her? I don't get it, I really don't, I've never felt anything like that for anybody. I hope she calms down until tomorrow, I need to talk to her.

And there is another _pling_, indicating another of Shane's calls that I didn't want to take. If I'm not mistaken he called me now for 27 times, but who's counting. The small LED of my phone lightens the room occasionally in a weak green light. It calms me somehow, even though normally it makes me more than aggressive. I turn on my back again. I've lost track of time for hours, or maybe minutes, maybe I've been here only for an hour, maybe it's the middle of the night, maybe it's still daytime. I want to take a look at my watch, but the thought of her makes me weak and unable to move.

After what feels like eternity my alarm goes off. I didn't sleep at all, my eyes were open the whole time, how could this absorb my thoughts so much? How did this happen? I mean nothing tragic happened, Amy told me to stay clear of her for a while and Lauren also need some space, I get it, or at least with Lauren I get it.

"Karma turn off you alarm!" My mother's voice is loud in my head, even though she's downstairs.

Oh right, I forgot. I lean over and turn off my alarm. I groan while moving, because everything hurts. What is happening? I get up and walk downstairs where I'm greeted with green tea and a worried looking mother. I definitely have to pick up coffee on my way to school.

"Darling, are you alright? You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

Great, another lecture is coming your way, Karma. Oh I hate that I have such an ironic name.

"I'm alright, just a night shift studying, I forgot that we have a test today." I mean it doesn't mean anything to her, but she knows that school means a lot to me, so hopefully she leaves it, and she does. She just pulls me into a tight hug and says nothing else. Thank god.

Arriving at school with my cup of coffee that I got at the cafe around the corner, I see Shane approaching me.

"How did it go? I tried to reach you and from your absence I figured it didn't go that well."

I walk past him but smile at him as a sign to follow me.

"Yeah it didn't go perfect, but at least now I told her. I'm way more concerned about Amy, she didn't answer any of my texts yesterday, I hope I didn't do anything wrong."

We walk up to my locker where I get my books for the first lesson.

"So is everything fine with Lauren?"

I sigh and close my locker, looking at him. "Not really, she's majorly disappointed and who can blame her? But I think if I stay clear of her for a few weeks everything will be alright."

Shane leans against the lockers and skims the schoolyard. "Well that means I have to decide with who I eat lunch today, great."

I look around, too, my eyes fixating on Liam who doesn't look pleased today. "No, you don't have to decide. Eat with Lauren or she'll think that you put me before her, and she doesn't know that you knew about Amy. So just play it cool, don't tell her you knew."

He nods and leaves for his first class. I hope Amy is here, today. Maybe I'll see her in free period.

I couldn't concentrate during the lessons and I really hope that after a talk with Amy, I can focus again, on life and on everything that happens around me. On the other side, maybe then I only have eyes for her, who knows.

In free period I walk to the tree were we spent our first free period together, I figured she might be there and I was right. There she is, sitting under the tree, reading … what is she reading? … The Scarlet Letter, hey that's amazing! I love that book! I walk up to her, blocking the sun. She looks up with her signature raised eyebrow and looks back down to her book.

"So I told Lauren about us." I say looking at her.

"You're blocking the sun." She says while turning a page in her book.

"She really wasn't happy about this." I try again, there must be some reaction I could get.

And I'm right, she puts down the book and looks at me. "About what?"

"About us, this whole thing between us that I can't explain. But I like it and I know you do, too."

She picks up her book again and continues reading. "There's no us, Karma. There can't be."

"Why not?" I don't get it, 3 days ago she was eager for me to tell Lauren, she wanted to date me and now? Now she claims that there is nothing between us?

She puts down her book again and I see the pain in her expression. "Because I'll fuck this up, Karma. I don't want to hurt you, but I know I will. I'm a mess and you're way too important for this world that I could possibly hurt you."

I can't believe her, is she serious? I mean come on. "That's the risk of this whole thing, and you know exactly that you won't hurt me. I'm the reason why you're calmer than normal in the last few weeks, I'm the reason you didn't beat the shit out of Liam, I calm you, Amy. I do and you know it, what the fuck are you scared of?"

"Losing my temper in front of you," she says calmly. She looks at me with this serious expression, I know she says the truth, she doesn't want to hurt me, she has the same feelings for me as I do for her.

"I don't care about that." I sit down next to her, pulling out my own book: Thirteen Reasons Why. I feel her eyes on my while I begin reading.

"Karma, don't-" I lift my hand to stop her.

"Shh, I want to read." Her eyes don't leave me, it feels like she's burning holes in my skin. "Look Amy," I begin putting down my book, "I like you presence, it feels good. And you're not scaring me away. You don't get rid of me that easily."

She sighs and looks back at her book. "Fine."

With that said we sit in silence, both of us reading our books. This feels perfect. Oh well, almost perfect. I scoot closer to her, touching her shoulder with mine. I see her smiling in the corner of my eye so I try one step further and nudge her shoulder lightly. She takes a deep breath and looks at me.

"What do you think you're doing?"

I don't answer her and just nudge her again, my eyes never leaving my book. She shakes her head and focuses back at her book. Man, why doesn't she get the message? I nudge her shoulder again, this time I hear her breathe out a soft laughter, but still nothing else happens. I shrug and jut lean against her shoulder. I know that this is rather uncomfortable for her, so it's only a matter of time until I get what I want. And I'm right. She moves one hand away from her book, and wraps it around my waist, inviting me to snuggle more into her. I'm leaning now against her chest, with her hand on my waist drawing patterns on my exposed skin, my shirt must've ruck up.

After a very comfortable time I feel her shift a bit and she puts away her book. I feel a soft kiss on my head and a soft squeeze on my thigh.

"Time is up, beautiful. We have class again."

I look up and it's like I've been in my own little bubble, only with Amy. This whole time it felt like we were alone in the whole schoolyard, but now looking up, I see and hear the other students. Some of them look at us, whispering to their friends, but to be honest, I don't care about that.

I groan and sit up a bit, "Can't we skip the next class? We could go to the nurse because I have this crushing headache?" I look at her pouting, I don't want this moment to be over just yet.

She chuckles and gets up. "No way, you know I have to attend all classes for the rest of the year, as much as I'd love to spend another period with you, I really have to go."

I get up, too, still pouting, I really can't argue with her being responsible. "What are you gonna do about Liam? I mean you didn't do anything, right?"

Her eyes drop and she looks to the ground. "Well, I can't really do anything. He will pay for what he did, but I can't prove that it wasn't me, who broke into the chem lab."

Maybe I can do anything about it, we'll see. On the other side, her punishment isn't that bad, really. Then I remember something from yesterday. "What did Liam mean with his family business?"

She looks up at me with narrowed eyebrows, biting her lip. "I'm sorry Karma, I can't tell you. I promised him never to tell anyone."

Wow seriously, how can anybody think bad of her? Even when he betrayed her, she doesn't break her promise. I feel a knot form in my stomach, I think it's guilt. It feels like guilt. I betrayed Lauren with not telling her. I think I should really apologize to her, big time.

"So, I really have to go now. I'll call you later, okay?"

So that's it with keeping me away. This success makes me smile bright and I don't know where this action comes from, but I get hold of her arm and pull her back to place a soft kiss on her cheek.

I see her blush when I pull away and she smiles foolishly. "You should go, too. Or you'll be late." She says, giving my hand a soft squeeze.

My heart makes a small jump when she walks away and looks back to me with this soft smile on her lips. Damn it, she's beautiful.

"So the lovebirds are okay again?" Shane asks me when I walk into the classroom.

I look at him questioning and he just chuckles in response. "I saw you two reading under the tree, you two seem really perfect for each other." He winks at me while I sit down.

I feel my face heat up and I hope I'm not as red as I think I am. "Thanks, I really think this could work out. I really hope so."

In this moment Lauren walks in and when our eyes meet I can see the hurt in her eyes. She sits as far away from us as she can and I look over to Shane.

"What am I supposed to do about it? I want to apologize to her, but I don't know how. And when you saw Amy and me in the yard today, that means she probably saw us, too."

Shane looks at her and then at me. "Why do you care? You told her how you feel, you shouldn't hide it from her just because she's not okay with it, what you don't even know, because she's just pissed at you. I think she doesn't even care about this whole thing."

Maybe he's right, I look at her again. Our eyes meet and I send her a small smile which she doesn't return. She just looks away again, maybe I'll get this right again, or maybe I should think like Shane, that I did everything I could … At least I've got Amy now, and that thought makes me smile again.


	14. Chapter 14

"Ugh, this book is killing me, how can you fall for a freaking ghost?"

Amy wanted to take a break from classic literature and searched through my shelf for distraction. She found a book called Anna Dressed In Blood and started reading it without reading the back. Huge mistakes, she hates predictable love stories.

"I told you not to read it" I laugh at her. I turn away from my laptop and smile at her.

"I thought it would be a nice ghost story, and not a weird ass 'boy meets girl' story. Anna is badass, but come on!" She closed the book and got up from my bed, walking over to me. "When are you done with this stupid assignment? I'm bored."

I look up at her as she walks closer and cross my arms. "I'm not even halfway through, you keep distracting me. I told you I don't have time to hang out."

"And I told you, I really don't care." She places her hands on the armrests of my chair and leans on them, causing me to lean back in my chair. "I like spending time with you, we don't have to do stuff together." Our faces are inches apart from each other and she watches my lips carefully.

"Well, I'm busy doing stuff and you're bored. You're distracting me, my dear."

She's about to kiss me when I turn my chair around again, what ends in her falling over, landing on the floor with her face. She shoots up, a bit startled and looks around the room disorientated. I giggle, while covering my mouth with my hand. I really don't want to laugh at her, but that looked way too funny.

"Why did you do that?" She asks, rubbing her chin, still sitting on the ground.

"Because I want to get this shit done, and when you start seducing me, I know I won't make it today."

She sighs and crosses her legs, looking up at me. She doesn't say anything for the next 30 minutes, but she stares at me, making the hair in the back of my neck standing straight. I shudder every few minutes, causing her to repress a giggle.

When I'm done I turn around, glaring down at her. "Can you please stop staring at me? It gives me the creeps."

She smiles bright at me and wrinkles her nose. "I was wondering," she begins, and for some reason those words make me tense, "It's been almost 72 hours since your talk with Lauren."

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, when is this date request coming? I was expecting it right away."

To be honest I thought what we were doing already were dates, but I can't say that now, can I?

"You didn't expect our hangouts the last 2 days to be dates, right?" She says with a raised eyebrow. Damn it, she got me.

"What? No, I mean … I don't know, somehow I did? I never really dated, so going out is weird to me."

She chuckles and straightens her back while tilting her head lightly. She has a strong resemblence with Chiron when she sits like that. "Just ask me out, it's not that hard."

I turn to my laptop for a second and back to her. Okay so just asking, right? I look at her for a couple of seconds biting my lip. Do I really just ask her, is it that easy?

I take a deep breath. "Will you go out with me? On a real date?"

She looks in the air, like she's thinking, pursing her lips. She looks around my room for a while until her eyes fix on me. "you know, thinking about it, just asking isn't enough." Her expression is serious and what the fuck?! She is kidding me, right?

"You said I should just ask, and I just asked."

She looks around the room again, like she couldn't care less about the things I say. "Yeah well, you know, I think I might be self-conscious and I kinda want a bid scenario. Like these prom things in cheesy chic-flics."

I stare at her, blinking a few times. "You might be self-conscious? Are you serious? You're not self-conscious, you just want to be cheesy for once. Oh admit it, you like romantic and predictable love stories and want one of your own."

She rolls her eyes but smiles, which clearly indicates that I'm right, who would've thought that madame badass is a romantic deep down.

"So, you have two options right now. One: you accept my request and we can go on a nice date tomorrow night. How do you feel about the arcade downtown? Or second: you decline this offer and I will make you cringe because everybody will see who asked you out and I will make it a big thing. It's your choice."

I got up from the desk while I talked and started pacing through the room. She kept watching me with a soft smile.

"But," I stand now right in front of her, holding up my hand, "I refuse to kiss you until you say yes to a date. It's your choice." I wink at her and let myself fall onto my bed.

Her eyes grow wide and her smile disappears. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, I guess she's considering her options. I sit on my bed, watching her with a smirk on my face. She gets up from the ground, purses her lips and walks up to me.

"You'll really refuse to kiss me until I accept your offer?" I simply nod. "Well then I have to go through a pretty hard time, because I want to see the big thing. I really do." She starts to lean down to me, staring at my lips. "But I also really wanna kiss you right now."

In the last moment before our lips brush I turn my head so she only kisses my cheek. When she pulls away she pouts at me. "You really weren't kidding."

"So if that's you decision," I say while pushing her away from me, "you have to go now, because I have an idea what I'll do, but I kinda need stuff for that. So You have to leave and leave me to my preparations."

She looks at me like I'm kidding her, narrowed eyebrows squinted eyes, trying to detect the sarcasm in my voice that's simply not there, I wish I could say I was kidding, I wish I could say she can stay the night, and god I wish I would kiss her right now … Damn it, I mentally slap myself for thinking that. I really have to get my shit together, she is not my girlfriend … yet, but still. I have an amazing plan for tomorrow, I hope I can pull it off. I need stuff from Shane, though.

When she sighs she brings me back from my thoughts. "I guess I'll go then, better make a big deal, darling. I'm awaiting your second request." She still doesn't look happy when she leans forward to kiss my cheek, this time on purpose. She sighs again and walks to the door. Before she opens it she turns around to me. "Walk Chiron with me tomorrow?"

"Afternoon?"

"Yeah."

"Sure." I say, smiling at her and she returns it shaking her head ever so slightly.

She walks out without another word and I grab my phone quickly, calling Shane.

"Hey girl, what's up?"

"Shane, I need your help with something."

"Sure, but with what?"

"Can't tell you just yet, I just need some of your party supplies and I need to go to the craft store."

"Eh, Karma? What the fuck?"

"I'll explain tomorrow, okay? Just help me get the stuff I need. You still have you small confetti canon, right?"

"What?"

"Can you please tell me now what this whole shit was for?" I drag Shane through the halls, because I promised him to show him what I did with his stuff.

I got up extra early today and set everything up, I even broke into a locker, I'm kinda proud of myself. I'm not the goodie two shoes after all. I smile to myself.

We stop just around the corner of her locker and I look over, pretty sure she's gonna be there. And I'm right she's just walking to her locker, I hope it's gonna go like planned.

"Okay what are we doing here?"

"Shh, you have to be quiet, she can't see us, it would ruin everything." I wave him off.

"Seriously what did you do?"

"You will see, I just planned a little surprise for her, I hope she doesn't mind some attention."

Shane looks at me confused, but I just point to her locker, telling him to look over there.

Amy stands in front of her locker, and in the moment she opens it, the confetti canon explodes with a bang and floats her in confetti. In the same time red helium heart balloons fly from her locker (I had to get quite small ones or they wouldn't fit inside) that are fastened to it so they wouldn't fly away. By this time she stumbled backwards, staring at her locker and everybody around her was staring at her. The next thing was that some guys from band I texted yesterday stand around her, playing a tune on their trumpets, while a guy from drama club recited something I wrote yesterday.

"Hear hear! To the lady Raudenfeld, from Mrs Ashcroft: I granted your wish, so please grant mine, let's go out, maybe tonight, when the sun doesn't shine. This is what you wanted, so don't be mad, just say yes, because if not, I'd be sad. Let me know your answer my the end of the day, and I want to remind you, you wanted it this way."

She stares at the whole scenario, at her locker, the band guys and the drama club member, she looks around and around with a rather confused expression. Then everything stopped and they walked away like nothing happened and she just stood there, completely lost. I turned to Shane who was smiling at me.

"Wow, the poem was a bit too much of a reminder that she wanted a big request. Wait, why did she want something that big?"

I can't stop smiling and shrug, "I don't know, I asked her out yesterday, but she said she wanted something big and she got something big. I didn't really have time for the poem thingy, and that's what I came up with withing 5 minutes."

He laughs a bit and throws his arm around my shoulder. "I loved her face though, I can't get over her confusion."

We walk to our next class that we have together and the moment we sit down, Amy barges in the room. I can't read her expression but she just walks up to me in a hurry.

"I hate you and you'll pay for that." She says right before a smile breaks out on her face, she leans down, places a soft kiss on my cheek and whispers "Yes, tonight would be great, text me the details." And with that she's gone again.

When I look around the classroom all eyes are on me and I run my hand through my hair, because I'm quite certain that I'm probably blushing right now. Shane nudges my shoulder to get my attention.

"So did she appreciate it, or nah?"

I look at him blankly "I have no idea to be honest, she might have. If she didn't she would've said no. Okay I also kinda did the weird stuff because I never want her to making me do stuff like that again, but still it was really hard work."

He shakes his head, but smiles. "Of course you had to work some sort of satire in that performance. You're so not a romantic."

I roll my eyes, wait didn't I say I want to stop doing that? I really should stop doing that. "I can be a romantic if I want to, but she wanted this huge cheesy chic-flic thing, so I gave it to her, it had to be satiric."

The whole lesson I just stared at my phone, not exactly knowing why, maybe I was thinking about a reason to text her that had nothing to do with the date. I would talk to her about the date during free period. That makes sense this way.

But lunch came before free period, so I decided that Shane sits with Lauren today, who still refuses to talk to me. I walk up to Amy, without any food and sit down in front of her. She looks up from her tray and tilts her head slightly.

"Where's your food?"

"I'm not hungry"

She frowns at me and looks down at her tray again. "But you need to eat, it's important." She looks up again and I see serious concern in her expression.

"Don't worry, I'll eat later, it's not a big deal to skip a meal."

And she looks down at her tray again, pursing her lips while staring at her food. She had a burger in front of her, today was burger day in the cafeteria, her favorite, she told me a while ago. She splits the burger in half, takes one and shoves the tray at me.

"I can get my own food, you know? You don't need to give me yours."

"Well, if I told you now to go and get some food, would you do that?"

I sigh and look at the tray she shoved at me. "Probably not, mainly because I don't have money with me. But I would've eaten later at home."

She eyes me carefully while taking a bite from her burger. "That's not enough for me, so just eat what I give you and make the both of us happy. Just do it, Karma."

I sigh and take her burger, there's really no arguing with her. "About tonight, what do you want to do? Catch a movie? Have a nice dinner? Going to the arcade?"

She looks up at me with sauce smudged all over her face, I can't help but to smile at the view. "I thought we were clear about the arcade? I love old games, I know just the place. I'll pick you up at 8."

I reach over with my thumb to brush away the sauce on her cheek. Without thinking I lick the sauce from my thumb and continue eating. "You know? I thought I was the one taking you on a date, but if you like it better this way, I won't argue with you taking me there."

She just looks at me with a smirk I've never seen on her. And she really just looks at me, she doesn't do anything else, or at least not for a minute or so. Then she reaches over and takes my hand in hers, making me blush a little. "I meant to tell you something. What you did earlier? How you asked me out? I will never ask you to do something like that again, who would've thought you would go so out of your way?" She brushes her thumb along the back of my hand. "And you're sure you are okay with us going out with the whole reputation thing?"

I look down at our hands, shaking my head. "Why wouldn't I be sure? I mean come on, I wouldn't make such a big deal about asking you out and letting everyone hear it, if I would want to keep it a secret."

The rest of lunch we just sit there talking about everything and nothing, planning our night and I really hope it will be great.

Before next period starts I head to my locker to get my book, but when I open my locker I feel this rush of panic. A piece of paper falls to the ground in front of me, with my name written on it in calligraphy. You have to be fucking kidding me.


	15. Chapter 15

I walk inside the classroom, the not still in my hand, and I'm staring at it. I freaking forgot about this whole thing! Why are they coming back now?! I decided to say 'they' because I really don't want to make assumptions anymore, I just want that whole thing to be over. I sit down in the back corner of the room and keep staring at the note. I haven't opened it yet, and maybe I just won't open it at all.

The lesson has already started when I feel my phone vibrate. I pull it out, I received a text from Amy.

_Do I suddenly smell bad? Or is there another reason you avoid me?_

I look up from my phone and see her frowning at me a few rows in front of me. Since when is he in this class with me? I look around, what class do I even have right now? I hit the reply button.

_It's nothing. I'm sorry. I haven't seen you there. I'm just thinking. I'm sorry. _

I watch her until she receives it. She looks at her phone then back at me, still frowning. I hold up the note and her eyes widen. It looks like an expression of panic, but why would she panic? She starts writing a text again.

_What does it say?_

I shrug in response, but when her frown just doesn't want to disappear, I reply to her.

_Haven't opened it. Don't think I will._

I see her shaking her head at my text.

_Well, I'm kinda curious, please read it._

I sigh, I don't even have to look at her to know that she has this pleading expression, so I just give in and open the note.

_Good day Karma,  
>I see you've found a mate now, I see you around with her. Didn't know you're into girls, but I don't judge, you do you I guess. Looking at you two makes me pretty sad and I hope you'll come around and think it over, I'm still here waiting for you. If you want to know who I am, I think I'm ready to tell you. Maybe then you will change your mind and hopefully be with me. If you're curious, meet me by the bleachers in your free period. I want to reveal myself.<br>Yours truly … _

I read the note again. And again. There is so much wrong with this note. It is the same handwriting, it is, I read the other notes so much I memorized the handwriting. But it's clearly not the same person, not at all. I don't get it, I really don't. I'm very sure that the first person who wrote me the letters was a girl, but this person is surprised to see me and Amy together, it can't be the same person. This one writes so much … harsher than the ones before, I mean … "I see you've found a mate now" what the fuck?! … I could say stuff to all the lines in this letter, but I'm too confused. Okay it could be jealousy or whatever that it suddenly gets harsher, but I don't think so. But let's be real, the thing that irritates me the most is that they want to meet me. The person before didn't want to meet me, because they were scared. I'm so confused.

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket.

So?

I read the note again before I reply.

The author wants to meet me.

I watch her read my text and her head spins around so quickly, I didn't see it coming, her eyes are wide and her brows are narrowed. With this reaction she draws the attention of the teacher to her.

"Raudenfeld, hand me you phone please. I appreciate your attendance, but I don't tolerate texting during my classes. Hand it over now and it won't have consequences, you can have it back as soon as the bell rings."

Reluctantly she hand the teacher her phone without saying a word. She turns around to me one last time and mouths "don't". Why not? This is my chance to meet this person, or well, not this person, but the other person … which must mean there are several people, what basically means that this whole thing really is a fucking joke and nothing more. This makes me kinda aggressive, or at least the crumbled up piece of paper in my fist says that.

The rest of the lesson was silent, I threw the note behind me, I don't want to see it anymore. When the bell rings I gather my things, I have free period now. And so does Amy. She takes longer than me to get out of the classroom because she has to get her phone back. I wait for her in the hallway and when she comes outside there's only one thing I say to her.

"Why not?" I ask while she walks up to me.

She frowns, but then she remembers and frowns even more. "Because this guy is creepy and I don't want you to meet someone creepy." She reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers. "I'm just looking out for you, beautiful."

Beautiful, I like that as a nickname, she can call me that. I'm down for that.

"What if you just come with me? Then you can look out for me and I can know what weirdo sent me these notes."

She eyes me for a few seconds, I think she really considers it. "I'd rather you don't go there at all and spend the period with me, on a walk or something."

I sigh, but oblige. Maybe she's right, maybe it's really not a good idea to go there and meet this person. We walk to the library and sit down in the last corner of the room, where nobody ever goes.

"Won't you get bored if you see me all day and all night, beautiful?"

I smile at the nickname, I really like it. "I don't think I can get bored of you, ever." She looks at me with a huge grin and I feel my face heat up. "Oh god that sounded less cheesy in my head."

She winks at me and says nothing else, I bet she enjoys how embarrassed I am about stuff like that. We sit there in silence for a while until I hear her phone vibrate. She looks at it, frowns and mumbles "fucking idiot". She puts the phone away without replying to the text. I look at her with a raised eyebrow and a slightly tilted head, but she just returns back to her book.

A few seconds later she looks up at me. "Can I help you with something?" I tilt my head a bit more and she sighs. "That was just Liam, he asks about you, he keeps teasing me that you will drop me eventually when your popularity status vanishes." She shrugs in addition and looks back at her book.

I shake my head and touch her hand to get her attention back. "You know that this won't happen, right?"

She snorts, but doesn't look up from her book. "We're not even dating yet, let alone a relationship. Do you really thinks he can get to me with something that isn't even a topic yet?"

I withdraw my hand. Okay, either she really doesn't care now, or she really is scared about it, but I can't put my finger on it. She is right, though, we're not in a relationship, but we are somewhat dating, aren't we? We walk around holding hands, we kiss in public and she spent the last days at my place, just hanging around. That is like dating, isn't it? I return back to my homework I was doing before this text that she got.

Speaking about the text, 10 minutes later she receives another one. She looks at it, frowns and says "Sorry, I gotta go and take care of something. See you later." She grabs her back and almost runs out of the door. What the fuck was that?! She just runs off with no explanation whatsoever, is she kidding me?!

For the rest of free period, I finish my homework and my extra credit for my AP classes, I don't want to think about her right now and school work is the perfect distraction. When I leave the library I walk to my locker to get the stuff for my next class and right before my locker I see her again, strolling through the halls. She comes from the direction where the bleachers are … what did she do there? I don't get it, but before I can ask, Shane stands in front of me.

"So, how was free period with your girlfriend?"

I frown at him, "She's not my girlfriend and we only spent half of it together. And before you can ask, no I have no idea why, let's just walk to our class, shall we?"

He shrugs and starts walking. I still think that this whole thing is really, really fishy.

When I hear the door bell ring I run downstairs while yelling "I'll get it!" But just before I get to the door my mother stops me while looking at me, or rather eyes me.

"Where are you going, dressed like this?"

I look down at myself then back at her. "What's the problem, don't I look arlight?"

She looks to the door that's still closed and I wonder what Amy thinks, she texted me a few minutes ago that she's driving now. "Well no, you look beautiful honey, but I didn't know you were going out tonight."

I shrug, slowly moving to the door. "I'm just going to the arcade with Amy, no big deal."

My mother raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms. "You're wearing your favorite outfit, the one you begged me to buy and said it was for special occasions only and you're telling me it's _just_ Amy."

I roll my eyes and turn around, of course it's not _just_ Amy, it's_ Amy_, that's the special thing. I wave her off and hear how she starts walking away. The doorbell rings again and I take a deep breath before slowly opening the door.  
>There she is. Standing on my door step, hands in the pockets of her black jeans, her black t-shirt with the words "donut worry" on it half covered by her red plaid flannel and her blond hair falling down her shoulder in soft waves hitting the denim jacket she's wearing on top of everything. But it's her expression that throws me off the most, she looks at me the exact same way I look at her and she has this dreamy yet smitten smile spread across her face until our eyes meet and the smile turns into a grin, and her eyes just lighten up.<p>

"Hey," I say with the most foolish grin I can imagine.

"Why hello there, can I just say you look stunning, even more than normally." She licks her bottom lip so casually it makes me swoon. I blush immediately at her words but I can't bring myself to say anything else.

I turn around to close the door, and I see my mother standing there, looking at me with her knowing smile. "Have fun, honey," she says with a wink and I close the door behind me.

"So, your mother is quite stocked about this, huh?" She runs her fingers along the palm of my hand, but she doesn't take it, she simply walks to her car and opens the passenger door for me.

"Thank you, such a gentleman move." I wink at her what causes her to smile even more. "Eh, I don't know actually. She's a bit weird about this whole dating stuff and yeah. She never really cared about it when I go out."

"Well maybe she just thought those were the wrong people, she seems to like me." Amy gets into the car and I look at her with a raised eyebrow. "What? I talked to her a couple of times, she's really nice and I saw her in the park, doing yoga or whatever that was."

I can't help but laugh at the image in my head how my mother meets Amy in the park while doing her routine, that must be a comfortable situation for Amy.

The car ride was nice and I actually enjoyed myself while her music was blaring through the car. I think it was older music, not like really old music, but at least 10 years. Early 2000 really. I liked it, but I didn't want to ask who it was, she always scoffs when I don't know certain bands. We arrive at the arcade about 20 minutes later and it really looks like one out of a 90s movie, I dig it.

We walk inside and this time she takes my hand to drag me to the so called bar. "I really fancy a milkshake right now, what do you want?" She turns to me, she seems really excited about this whole thing.

I raise an eyebrow at her and can't help but laugh a bit. "Fancy? Are you serious? Okay you should stop reading British literature, it messes up your vocabulary." She shakes her head and nudges my shoulder. "But a milkshake would be very nice right now," I add.

She orders and I turn around to take it all in, she didn't lie when she said there were old games, but the only thing I really care about right now, is the air hockey table in the middle of the room. My brother and I used to play so much air hockey when we were younger and I remember her liking it, too. And there is my opportunity to show her I'm not only good with books and pompons. This. Is. Perfect.

"So what should we do? I mean we could play pool, or a video game, or-"

"Air hockey." I grin at her. She lifts her eyes from the room to the table in the middle of it, it wasn't occupied at the moment and I think I can see a smirk making its way to her face.

"Well, I don't want to crush you that early, but if you want to, I can ruin you right in the beginning."

"Yeah right," I scoff, "as if you could beat me in my favorite game."

She breathes out a laughter and walks up to the table. I win the first round, it was really easy and I just look at her with a smirk and a slightly tilted head.

"What? I'm just warming up, don't get used to winning yet." She smiles at me.

After the third round of winning I jump up and down clapping and it doesn't even feel that weird doing that in front of her. She takes her last sip of the milkshake and smiles at me. That's when I realize something.

"You let me win, didn't you."

She tries to hide her smile and looks at her empty milkshake in her hands. "Maybe, but I just wanted to make you happy."

I shake my hand and sigh deeply, "You would make me happy if you play for real, I can take you when you play for real, wanna try me?"

She purses her lips, looks at me then at the table, takes a deep breath and says "Well we could play something else if you want to."

I glare at her, but wait, maybe I can trick her into wanting to do this. "How about we make this a bet? The person who wins has a free wish, she can wish whatever she wants and the other person has to do it."

Just like I predicted a smirk spreads across her face, I knew you can't deny that offer. "Fine, if you really want to lose, have it your way."

The games before started slow, but not this time, she hit the puck just once and it landed in my goal. Great, 1:0. I glare at her and she just shrugs as to tell me "it was your idea." I take a deep breath and round 2 starts, but it's not long before she hits the 2:0. God, she's really good, I have to up my game if I want to beat her. I concentrate really hard on the puck and finally I get the 1:2. I see her tense up, she didn't think I was good enough to get just 1 point? Wow she must think I'm really bad.  
>In the end of the game it's 6:5 for Amy, she just needs one point to win the game and the air is really tense between us. I glance up to her once and that was my biggest mistake, she looks stunning when she concentrates, it's admirable and that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I hear the sound of the machine that Amy won, but right now I don't even care, she deserved to win. I still stare at her while a grin spreads on her face, she licks her bottom lip and crosses her arms.<p>

"I told you I'm good." She says while walking up to me. I swallow hard and keep staring at her. She frowns a bit when I don't react and looks down at herself. "I something wrong with me or are you having a stroke?"

I shake my head quickly and take her hand, she stands close enough for me to do that. "No no, everything's fine. It's just … wow, you're beautiful."

She breathes out a soft laughter and lets go of my hand, only to place hers on my waist and pulls me closer. "As for my reward, I wish that you'd kiss me, right here right now."

I look around, conscious of the people that surround us and I feel a hint of hesitation, a small voice in the back of my head that screams "people you know might be here" and "you might start gossip" and the worst of all: "You're not good enough to be seen with her". I don't even know where this voice came from, but it was there from the start. And it doesn't want to go away, no matter what I do. She put her other hand on my chin and turns my head to look at her. The next second everything I just thought is forgotten and I remember why I'm here. _I'm on a date_, I'm on a date with the most beautiful girl on this planet, the one that does everything for me. Without wasting another second I place my hand on her neck and pull her in.  
>The moment our lips touch I forget that people are around us, it feels like we're the only people in the room, and the way she grips the side of my dress sends shivers down my spine. I feel her smile into the kiss and I don't think that there is a better feeling than her smiling into a kiss. God this feels awesome. I feel myself smiling into the kiss, too and she tries to pull me even closer.<p>

After what feels like forever she pulls away, with closed eyes and a loving smile on her face. She slowly opens her eyes, put one hand on my cheek and brushes her thumb lightly over my skin.

"Woah," I say under my breath.

"I know," she answers, still smiling.

She pulls out her phone to check the time, "Shit, I'm sorry, but we have to go, I didn't know it would be already half past 10."

I tuck a string of hair behind her hair and shake my head. "It's fine, I still had a blast, we should do that more often."

She looks from her phone to me. "Go out? I think I'd be down for that." She leans in to place a soft, but quick kiss on my lips. "But we really have to go now, I still have a curfew."

She takes my hand in hers and leads me outside, she paid for everything, what made me feel kinda bad, but she insisted on it. "You already did a hell of a job by asking me out in a big way" she said.

She drives me to my house and parks right in front of it. She gets out of the car to walk me to the front steps.

"You don't have to do that, you know? I can walk that small way by myself."

She looks down at our joined hands and shakes her head ever so slightly. "But like this I have a few more minutes I can spend with you."

"Who knew Amy Raudenfeld could be that cheesy" She rolls her eyes, but smiles at me.

We stop in front of the door and she looks to the ground. "Is everything alright?"

She takes a deep breath before answering. "I just don't know how to form the next sentence."

I frown at her and I'm pretty confused right now about what she's talking about.

She takes another deep breath and takes my other hand. "Okay this is really old school right now, but I don't know it feels right to do it this way. I had lots of fun with you tonight, Karma. And I'd love to do that again, but not only this, I want to spend as much time with you as I can and I want to call you my girlfriend. Can I call you my girlfriend? Because I really really like you."

I … wow … that was really old school, never in my life had I thought that Amy is like that. And I think my eyes widened a lot right now. She looks vulnerable in front of me right now. I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek.

"I'd love to be your girlfriend." I whisper in her ear.

I see her shiver and smile at the same time. Suddenly she reaches behind her own neck, takes off her triangle necklace that she always wears and puts it around my neck. I'm no fan of showing off your girlfriend like that, I feel like a possession when people do that, so I frown at her.

"This is a reminder, I want you to wear it, so you always have a piece of me with you. This is a reminder that I belong to you, that I'm yours and that all I want to do is make you happy, okay?"

I look at the necklace and breathe out a soft laughter. "Wow, thank you. Thank you so much."

She takes my hand again, she can't leave it alone for a minute. "I really have to go now, I'm sorry." She kisses me softly on the lips and squeezes my hand one last time before walking away.

"Drive safe and text me when you're home, okay?"

She turns to me, nods and smiles. And then she's gone, just like that. I walk inside the house, close the door and lean against it with the most foolish smile you can imagine. Amy Raudenfeld is officially my girlfriend. Wow.


	16. Chapter 16

I sit in my room and stare at my phone background. Yeah, I decided we're one of those couple who have a picture from the other as their background but who can blame me? I mean it's Amy, Amy is smoking hot. Shane paces in front of me and talks about something, I forgot what, he said it was important, but I made the mistake and looked at my phone like 20 minutes ago. And since then I stared at her beautiful smile. She doesn't even know I took this picture, she just sat there, reading and smiling so I had to capture it, it's been my background ever since. God, I'm really falling for this girl, it's ridiculous.

Suddenly my background changes and music starts to play, another picture of Amy is shown now and I let my phone drop to the ground because I'm completely startled.

"So you don't want to pick up when your girlfriend is rude and interrupts my speech?" I look at him with possibly the most awkward smile I ever gave him while picking up my phone from the ground. "Oh of course you weren't listening." He throws his hands in the air dramatically while I press the answer button on my phone.

"Finally, you never take so long to answer my calls."

I chuckle a bit, "Yeah the call kinda surprised me. So what's up?"

"I'm around the corner and thought I might give you a quick visit."

I look at Shane who stands in front of me with crossed arms and a raised eyebrow. "Eh well Shane is here at the moment."

I hear her snort. "And what do I care? I have nothing against him and he better not have anything against me either."

I still look at him and can't help but laugh. "I bet he doesn't mind too much. See you in a bit."

She hangs up without saying another word. Shane's face turns into a huge frown and he glares down at me.

"So you're ditching me for your girlfriend?"

I shake my head while a smile spreads across my face. "If you don't mind we can hang out together. I think she even wants you to be there."

He pulls a face and sits down next to me. "Okay, but only under one condition, no lovey-dovy stuff or I'm gonna puke, that's for sure."

It's been a week and a half now since our date and I think we came along pretty good. There are still stares in the hallway and there are still voices in my head, but with the time I hold her hand more often in public and I kiss her more often in public. And trust me, it feels amazing!

"No worries, we have plenty of time to do that when you're not around," I wink at him. His face turns disgusted.

"Thanks for the pictures in my head, though." He laughs a bit and looks at me. "You really didn't listen to my rant, did you?"

I shake my head. "Well no, not really. I even forgot what it was about, you know my lack of concentration."

I rolls his eyes and gets up again. "Yeah, that lack of concentration is your phone background. You should change it, what if you're getting distracted during class?"

"Well, I don't. I made her promise not to contact me during class, only if it's something majorly important and you normally don't text during class either. So I have no reason to look at my phone."

The next moment the door swings open and Amy barges in, with a cup of … tea in her hand?

"Where did you get that? And why didn't I hear the door bell?"

She lets out a laugh and sits down at my desk, propping her legs up. "Well last time I rang the door bell, Moll told me to just come in and that it would count for the future, too. And the tea? Molly made it for me."

Shane who's eyes didn't leave Amy from the second she came in, now looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "Molly?"

I sigh. "My mother, she told Amy to call her Molly when she came here the last time I wasn't home."

Shane looks at Amy again. "You come here when Karma isn't home?"

"Every time I get too much of my mother I come here, sometimes I call beforehand to see if she's in, sometimes I don't."

I motion her to put her feet on the ground and she obliges with a groan. "This is something like her safe place, it's been for weeks, but this week she's been here every day."

Shane looks back and forth between us and scratches his head. "Okay, wow, this is definitely not a normal relationship."

"She doesn't even have good manners, she fails in saying hello ever so often." I tilt my head slightly, crossing my arms. She knows I expect little from her, but the things I expect are simple. Just say hello, goodbye and be polite to people. Don't skip school and participate, it's easy, isn't it?

"Oh shit," she whispers, gets up from my chair and jumps over to my bed. She leans down and places a soft, but quick kiss on my lips. "Hello there, beautiful, did I tell you already how stunning you look?"

I actually giggle while she pulls back, she normally isn't cheesy around other people. "Only through text message today between classes."

"Hey Shane, it's nice to see you outside of school for once," She smiles at him her big toothy smile and drops into the chair again.

Shane waves his hand at her, but looks at me. "What did I tell you just minutes ago?"

I breathe out a laughter an lick my bottom lip. "Oh yeah right, Amy we're not allowed to kiss in front of him."

She frowns at my a playful frown. "Am I allowed to touch you?" I shake my head. "Am I allowed to hold you hand?" I look over at Shane and decide to nod this time. "Okay then, how about cheesy speeches?" I shake my head once more. "Great, so in front of him we're downgraded to a middle school couple?"

Shane rolls his eyes again and I try to repress a laughter. "I guess so, yeah. But we can do that, right?"

She purses her lips and eyes Shane. "Well, I think I can do that. But why?"

He looks at me then back at her. "It's enough for me to know you're shagging her, you don't need to make these pictures more detailed."

She scoffs as a response. Oh god, here it comes. "I wish." Oh wow, her response wasn't as snares as I expected, but I think I could hear hurt in her voice for some reason.

"Wait, what?" Shane's mouth drops open and his eyes go wide while he looks at me.

"He didn't have sex yet, if that's what confuses you." I say with a small smile. I look over to Amy who winks at me. Is it so weird for me wanting to wait? Is it so weird that I finally want that kind of relationship where we don't jump from one milestone to another? Shane still stares at me and I look at Amy pleading for her to change the subject.

"Oh right, the reason why I came over. I totally forgot that I actually really wanted to talk to you about something. This weekend my parents are gone and I don't think I can get through it alone in a house with Lauren, so I wanted to ask you for a couple's weekend? Or something like that? I just don't want to stay there all alone."

I hear Shane chuckle beside me and glare at him. "I'd love to, but we have to stay at your place, because my parents already think of you as a daughter or something for the last month and I want to get out of here for a second."

Shane looks at both of us and leans back on my bed. "So you two are gonna talk it out with Lauren then?"

Amy breaks out in loud laughter and I glare at her. "She says she hasn't anything she could talk about with her, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to talk with me."

"But you have to talk to her eventually."

"God Shane, don't you have to be somewhere?!"

He looks at the watch on my night stand and jumps up. "Shit! I actually do! I have a date in like 15 and I'm not even ready! Fuck!" Without saying another word he runs outside and Amy and I just stare at the door he left wide open. We hear the front door, slowly turn our heads towards each other and Amy bursts out laughing. I can't help but join her. We sit there for minutes, laughing at what just happened, because we both can't really put our finger on it.

"Is everything alright, love? I heard Shane leave so abruptly and now you two are just laughing away."

I wipe a tear away that escaped from all the laughing. "We don't even know what just happened, he just left, now clue why." I finally bring out after calming myself a bit.

"To give him credit, he did say he has a date," Amy adds, still giggling.

My mother looks between the both of us and finally fixes her eyes on me. "Dinner is ready in 5." She then looks over to Amy with a warm smile, "you're welcome to join us."

Suddenly Amy stops giggling and her eyes grow wide. "Oh now, I don't want to make any trouble. It's fine I'll just go home."

"Oh don't be silly, you're never trouble for us. I will expect you both downstairs in five." And with that my mother leaves and closes the door behind her.

Amy stares at the door for a seconds then shakes her head. "Are you alright?" I ask, it's the only appropriate thing I could think of.

"What? Yeah. Yeah, of course I'm fine. Everything's fine. Just having a casual dinner with my girlfriend … and her parents." Her eyes grow even wider and she stares at one of my walls. Is she scared? Of what? She already knows my parents, she calls them by their first name.

"Okay what's wrong Amy?" She doesn't answer me, she just stares at my wall and moves her lips like she's saying something to herself. "Amy! Earth to Amy! Are you scared about the dinner?"

Her head snaps in my direction and she violently shakes her head. "What? No! I love Lucas and Molly. I just .. I don't know, I never had dinner with the family of my girlfriend." She looks at me, then rolls her eyes. "Don't fucking laugh at me, as if you ever had dinner with the family of your boyfriends."

Just then I realize that a big smile is spread across my face and I try to diminish it, but it's not working. I get up from my bed and slowly walk towards her. "Well, until now I've never had a boyfriend." I draw air quotes when I say boyfriend. "I never identified anyone as my partner, they've just been friends with benefits." I shrug. I lean forward and now I'm inches away from her face. "Often they weren't even friends, they were more like distractions for me." My eyes flicker down to her lips and back up to her eyes. Her eyes are half closed and I can see that she stopped breathing. "Just relax, Amy. Everything's fine, it's nothing more than a dinner." She's still not breathing. I brush my lips against hers, but not as a kiss, more like a tease. I'm not kissing her yet.

Her eyes are closed and she grips the armrests of my chair tight. She swallows hard and finally starts breathing again, short, heavy breaths. I know I'm cruel, but it's way too much fun to torture her like that. Now I brush my nose against hers and her breath hitches, a grin makes its way to my face. I decide to tease her even further and lick across her bottom lip, her grip around the armrests tightens and she shakes her head so slightly I'm almost not able to notice it. I can almost hear her heartbeat going faster and faster by the second and I'm not even touching her.

I think this was enough torture and if I wasn't teasing myself with my behavior I would've pulled away now, but I can't resist these lips for too long. I close my eyes and finally meet her lips with mine. My hand quickly wanders to her neck, pulling her closer while hers grab my waist, pulling me onto her lap. She pulls away for a second to whisper "you're awful." and crashes her lips back on mine.

The kiss is sloppy yet slow, loving yet passionate. Most of our kisses have been like this since we made it official. And I don't think both of us can take much more time without taking things further. She runs her hands up and down my back until she stops right above the waistband of my sweats. She slips her hand underneath my shirt and draws small patterns on the skin around my waistband. My skin burns where she touches it and my goosebumps follow her finger.

Slightly panting I pull away, cupping her cheek. "We should go downstairs, I feel like that's been 5 minutes. Maybe more."

Her eyes are still closed and on her lips she wears a satisfied smile. She sighs and opens her eyes slowly. "Well if I have to eat the food of your parents and not what I really want right now, then so be it."

I roll my eyes, but I can't stop smiling. Is this girl even for real? I climb off her lap and pull her up from the chair. She sees this as an opportunity and pulls me close again, giving me a soft kiss. I feel myself getting lost again, so I push her off gently.

"I'm serious, Amy. What will my parents think?"

She looks at me with a smug smile, still holding me by my waist. "I don't know what will they think?"

I sigh and turn around. Downstairs my parents are setting the table, dinner is just ready.

"So how's school, girls? Amy tells me that you're studying a lot together." My father says once we all sit down.

I look at Amy with a raised eyebrow and she smiles at me innocently. "Eh, yeah. Well we do actually. School's great, even though I might lose my captaincy in the cheer squad."

Amy snorts, she never liked me as a cheerleader, so I guess she's kinda happy that I'm fighting with Lauren at the moment.

"Oh darling, what's wrong? Do you have problems with the girls?" My mother asks in anticipation, she knows that I really like the squad, even though she doesn't like the concept.

Amy snorts again and this time I kick her leg under the table. "Ouch!" She whimpers, but she gets my message and looks down at her food with a somewhat disgusted face. Amy doesn't like soy, so she's not really thrilled to see that much tofu on her plate.

"Yeah, I had kind of a fight with Lauren, but it'll be okay I guess." I say, finally digging in the food.

"Oh remember how Zen used to play basketball in high school, just so he could get a better resume and go to the peace court?" My mother states. "Oh Amy, do you remember Zen, Karma's bigger brother?" Amy just nods, chewing a piece of tofu, "He's in Africa right now and builds villages with his bare hands."

I feel my fists clench. Do they really have to do that? Make everything about fucking Zen? He isn't even their biological son! My jaw tightens and my eyes narrow. Suddenly I feel a hand on my thigh. Amy doesn't look at me, but she put her hand on my thigh and runs her thumb soothingly up and down. She gives me a quick glance and winks at me. I feel a sudden relief going through my body. Interesting. So the impact I have on her, she has on me, too.

My parents still go on about how perfect Zen is, but I don't listen, I can tell Amy doesn't either, but she smiles and nods at my parents. I can't help it, I stare at her, I can't keep my eyes off of her. She endures this dinner with food she doesn't like and the talking about my brother just so she can spend more time with me. How can anyone think anything bad about her?

"Karma?" My mother frees me from my trance, I blink a few times and look at her. "I was asking you if you want some brownies as dessert."

I look at my father who smiles at me. "Who made them?"

My parents look at each other then back at me. "Well I made them," my mother says.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Well then yes, we'd love some. Can we eat them in my room?"

My mother smiles and nods at me while Amy squeezes my thigh. I look at her and she smiles even bigger than my mother. I think she's glad she can get away from this food.

Upstairs in my room we eat the brownies. If my mother knows how to do one thing, it's how do make brownies, they're always amazing and I even remember us eating them in kindergarten

"Man, I missed you mom's brownies." Amy says with her mouth half full. "But seriously, why do they keep talking about your weird brother? He's not even here."

I chuckle a bit and shake my head. "Well he's their favorite and I could never compare."

We lie on my bed and Amy turns to look at me. "It's the other way round."

I turn my head and look at her confused. "What do you mean?"

She lets out a short breath that's somewhat like a laughter. "Well, he could never compare to you, I mean look at you. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're everything good in this god forsaken world." She leans over and plants a kiss on my nose. Then on my forehead. One on each of my cheeks until she finally kisses my lips. I put one of my hands on her shoulder and deepen the kiss.

She pulls away a bit and bites her lip. "You should call your mother," I say. After she just frowns at me I add "she needs to know you're staying the night."


	17. Chapter 17

"I can't believe you said that to her." Amy throws her phone away and leans over me. We talked to her mother on the phone for like 10 minutes, she didn't believe Amy is with me right now. Eventually I just took the phone and said to her that Amy is busy and will be home in the morning.

"Well someone had to put an end to that cringe worthy conversation and I just didn't want to see these lips moving when they're not talking to me." I pulled her down by her collar so that our lips almost touch.

"Possessive much?" She smiles while staring at my lips.

"Why yeah, obviously. Now I get why couples always say 'you're mine' and shit like that."

"Well let me tell you, if you get this territorial around girls, then I'm all yours forever." And with that she leans down and presses her whole body against mine. She places her hands on either side of my head and straddles me with her legs. Our lips are not touching yet, but I feel my breath hitch when they do. There is electricity running up and down my body, butterflies escaping my mouth and flying into hers, because I know exactly why I asked her to stay. I know exactly what I want to do. And she knows it, too.

I run my hands down her back and dig my fingernails lightly into her skin. A small moan escapes her mouth. Already? Wow, she must really want, no. She must really need it. I smile into the kiss and she ceases the opportunity and bites down on my lower lip. I slip my hands underneath her shirt and repeat my movement from before now on her bare skin.

She pulls away a bit and looks me in the eye. "I thought you wanted to wait?"

I start lifting her shirt up while meeting her eyes. "Well I waited ever since we worked on this stupid chemistry assignment. I think I waited enough." I pull her shirt off and what happens next just happens way too fast.

Kissing, clothes flying around my room, playfully fighting for dominance, a lot of grabbing body parts until she pins me down and stops. She just stops and looks at me, her eyes filled with lust and desire. She bites her own bottom lip and we look at each other, heavy breathing, taking in the moment.

"What's wrong?" I ask when I finally can't take it anymore. My question comes out as a whisper, because I'm not able to speak any louder.

She looks down at my whole body, we're both completely naked and she just smiles. When her eyes meet mine again she shakes her head. "This is unbelievable. You're so fucking beautiful." Her voice is different, it's hoarse. Lower and rougher. She leans down and kisses me, while one of her hands starts discovering my body, so careful as if my body was so delicate, an artifact even. I lose one hand in her hair and the other digs in her skin of her back again.

She moves her hand lower and lower until she brushes it over my thigh, making my legs spread wider. Her lips don't leave mine while her hand still wanders around the lower part of my body. Desperate for contact my hips jerk up to meet hers, but she pushes me back into the mattress, smiling into the kiss while I groan in frustration. While her hand moves closer and closer to my center, her lips move from my mouth to my jaw line, tracing soft kisses along the way down to my neck and biting down. I don't know what to concentrate on, her hands or her lips, both make my breathing heavy and both take way too long.

After she made sure she left a mark on my neck and her fingers starts tracing my folds she lifts her head a bit and looks at me. She wants to see my reaction, she wants to see if what she does is okay. She runs her thumb over my clit and a gasp escapes my mouth, my lips are parted and I breath heavier and heavier. The sensations that runs through my body right now is in no way describable. I never felt something like this before.

She draws circles around my clit and bites her lip in anticipation because I can't help in anymore and my back arches a bit. I close my eyes for several seconds and my head falls back. She sees it as a demand and immediately slips one finger inside me. Another one follows quickly making my back arch even more.

Her lips are on my neck again, or rather my pulse point in that matter and while she makes another mark she makes distinct movements with her fingers. God she knows exactly what she does. The feeling in my body gets stronger and I bite my lip to keep me from making noises.

She feels exactly that I'm getting closer and closer. "A quiet one, huh?" she mumbles into my neck. One on my hand digs into her back while the other grabs my sheets.

I can't hold it back anymore and I let everything go, my body starts shaking and a strong rush of electricity runs through my body. "Fuck." It comes out as a moan, louder than I expected and she helps me ride off my ecstasy that other people would call an orgasm. She kisses me slowly and lies down next to me. "Wow." This is all I manage to say and she just grins at me.

"I'll take that as a compliment." She puts her arm around my hip and pulls me closer.

I take the opportunity and start straddling her. "Oh I'm gonna show you my compliment." And lean down to kiss her. This is my turn.

My alarm wakes me up, or at least I think it's my alarm. Wait, no. This is not my alarm. I groan and try to turn around to figure out what that sound is, but I realize that someone has his arms around me. Oh right, Amy stayed the night. What a night. I let out a deep breath and snuggle into her neck for one more moment. In the meantime the alarm stopped. It was probably hers.

She tucks a strand of hair behind my hear and kisses my forehead. "Good morning, babe."

Did she just call me babe? I groan and push her away from me, still groggy from the good night sleep I almost fall off the bed myself what makes her laugh.

"What did I do? Why are you pushing me away?" She keeps giggling.

I groan and sit up, looking at her. For a second I forget what I wanted to say, Amy in my pajamas is more than hot. This is the dream. Imagine waking up to Amy Raudenfeld in your bed with your clothes on. Wow. I shake my head and remember. "Don't call me babe, that's disgusting."

She snorts and looks at me. "Wait, you're serious? Why is that disgusting?"

I frown at her for a moment and sigh. "Well first: some guys use it when they want their girlfriends to call them daddy and that's disgusting as well as majorly disturbing. Second: Do I look like a fetus fresh from a womb?" I motion down on me and she smiles.

"No, you don't. You look even more beautiful than you did last night." She leans forward and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "Okay then, I won't call you babe. But what shall I call you?" She climbs onto my lap. "Honey?" She kisses my nose. "Darling?" Now my forehead. "Princess?" Now my left cheek. "Angel?" My right cheek. "Cutie?" Now she's down to my chin. "Oh just simply beauty?" This time she captures my lips.

When she pulls away I make a thinking face. "How about knockout?"

She snorts again. "What?"

I run my hands up and down her sides. "Well it would show people that I'm tough next to you and maybe I want to be tough."

She breathes out a soft laughter and kisses me again. "Whatever you want, knockout." She pulls away fully and gets up from my bed. "But I have to go now, because I have to check in at home before school. You know, say good bye to my mother and Bruce and stuff."

"Oh right, they're away for the weekend, right?"

She nods while getting dressed. When she's done she turns around. "You're coming with me after school, right?"

I raise my eyebrow at her and tilt my head. "Won't I see you in school anyway?"

"Yeah right … there was something. Good, see you later in chem." She leans down to me and kisses me quickly, but ever so softly.

"No, but can people please be less idiotic? I mean seriously, those girls would think that the first stories with a witty detective was Sherlock Holmes." Amy throws her hands up in frustration and right now I'm glad I'm holding Chiron's leash.

We're strolling through the park, I came with her after school and now we're outside because when you have a dog, you have to do that sometimes.

"Well, not everybody knows that a German author wrote about stuff like that before." I say. We pass an elderly couple that greets us and I greet back.

"But still, Edgar Allen Poe wrote detective stories before that, too, and an AP English student should know that." She rolls her eyes and glances at me. "How do you cope with those people?"

I place my hand in hers and smile. "Haven't you heard my by hatred driven rants about these obnoxious numbnuts from Hester?" I scoff.

"Right, I forgot, sorry." She smiles down at our hands. How come this relationship is this cheesy? I mean seriously, I'm not one of those people, but with her it just feels right. "Let's head back, I think this guy had enough."

Chiron ran around the park for at least an hour and can't walk straight anymore. "Yeah, I guess you're right," I admit.

Back at Amy's we cuddle up to the couch, she made some coffee and hands me some donuts. "You're way too nice sometimes, you really don't have to do all of that, a water and nothing to eat would have been okay with me." I say, while snuggling up to her.

"Yeah right," she scoffs, taking the donuts into her lap, "as if the baked goods of heaven were for you, they're all mine." She shoves a whole donut into her mouth within the next second.

"Wow, that was attractive." I pull a face while watching her. They are powdered donuts and now her face is covered in white dusk. I smile creeps to my face. "You look adorkable with all that sugar on your face."

She starts to frown and uses her shirtsleeve to wipe her face, but the sugar doesn't come off right away. I sit up and move her hands away so I'd get better access. I lick my thumb and wipe away most of the sugar around her mouth.

"I feel like a small child that can't eat."

I breathe out a laughter. "You look like one, too."

She pulls me onto her lap, stroking her thumbs up and down my thighs. "Well you might as well call me babe then." She playfully says while smiling at my lips.

"Oh I wouldn't dare, because I wouldn't do this to a small child." I lean down to kiss her deeply, cupping her face with both my hands.

"Ugh, get a room. Oh wait you have one." We both look up to see Shane standing in the door frame with Lauren next to him.

"No one forces you to be in the living room with us," Amy says with a small frown on her face.

"Yeah Shane, let's just go upstairs, I don't want to know what they already did on this couch. I don't think I can ever sit on it again." Lauren pulls a face and starts to walk upstairs, but Shane is not happy with that plan.

"No, I don't want to go upstairs, why don't we just hang out together? Like the good old days." He pauses and looks at us. "Well and Amy, but that doesn't matter."

Amy snorts at his comment and I climb off of Amy, my mood is suddenly not as good as before, I wonder why.

"Come on Shane, seriously, I don't want to be here right now." Lauren is almost pleading as if being in the same room with me and Amy is torture beyond compare.

Shane suddenly grabs Lauren's arm and drags her to the couch and sits her down right next to me. Conscious about her displeasure of being there, I scoot over, making Amy do the same. He sits down between me and Lauren and takes a deep breath.

"I have an idea and I bet you'll love it."

"Oh god please no." Lauren and I say in unison, she throws her head back while I try to bury my face in my hand.

"Eh what did I miss? As far as I know he hasn't said his idea yet." Amy's voice sounds confused and I look up to her.

"Well for some reason, our dear Shane here thinks that it's always a good idea to play truth or dare when we're fighting." Amy looks at me even more confused than before. I swear to god I hat Shane for doing this, but Lauren and I both know that arguing with him has no point whatsoever.

"Well not directly truth or dare, more truth or truth, because if we did dare, they would kill each other." Shane winks at Amy.

"And there is no way around this?" Amy asks looking at me with a tortured expression.

"I'm not making you do this, you can go upstairs and I'll join you later." I turn to her and cup her face, practically begging her to stay with my expression.

She sighs heavily, "No I'm not leaving you alone with these two. I care way too much about you to do that."

Lauren snorts and quickly makes gagging sounds after I lean in to place a thank you kiss on Amy's lips.

"Fine then let's settle, our typical positions please." Shane starts moving stuff around.

"Typical positions? How often do you guys fight?" Amy asks.

"Not that often to be honest, but it's also Shane's favorite game in general. You know, because of the secrets and stuff," Lauren says, rolling her eyes.

We sit down on the floor in a circle, or a square so to speak. Shane clears his throat and looks at all of us. "I'm gonna start. Lauren, truth or truth?"

Lauren groans. "Are you fucking kidding me? Just ask your stupid question."

"Fine then, why are you mad at Karma?"

Lauren looks at me and then at Shane. "We made promise, a promise to never betray each other and to tell each other everything and keeping her girlfriend from me breaks this promise. Especially when the girlfriend is her." She points at Amy with a disgusted expression.

"We didn't even da-" Amy begins, but is quickly cut off by Shane.

"It's not your turn, darling." Amy looks over to me with a questioning expression and I just shrug in response. Shane has this weird rule that only the one who's turn it is, is allowed to talk. That kept us from killing each other one time.

"He's right, it's my turn. Shane. You planned this whole thing, didn't you? This is why you wanted to come over for a movie night in the first place." She draws quotes in the air with her hands while saying "movie night" and glares at Shane who just smiles.

"Why yes I planned it, I knew Karma would come over, Amy asked Karma when I was there and I just ceased the opportunity." He cracks his knuckles and looks around the circle, or square or whatever.

"Karma." Oh god no, please kill me. "Are you happy in your current situation?" Great question, genius.

"Right now? This current situation? Now, I'm not happy." I roll my eyes and glare at Shane, I really hate this game.

"You have to elaborate, you know that," Shane says.

"Ugh, fine. I hate this game, I was looking forward to just hang out with my girlfriend tonight and then you came along and most of all my best friend hates me for being with a girl that can make me truly happy." Lauren glances at me quickly, but looks away just as fast. Amy puts an arm around my waist and smiles at me. "Lauren." She looks at me again. "What can I do to make things better?" I want to bring things faster to an end, I really don't want to spend too much time on this stuff.

"I had some time thinking about all of this. And I think I forgave you, but I'm still mad. You can't really do anything, I just don't think I can look at you the same now. I really don't get what you see in her?" She points at Amy.

"Ask me then," I say to her, with a little daring note in my voice.

"Fine then. Karma, what do you see in Amy?"

Shane and Amy look at me and I keep my eyes at Lauren. "You know, I always told you I want someone I can have deep conversations with, someone who gets my obsession over fictive characters in books and can get lost in other worlds as I do. She is this person. She is smart and beautiful, clever and strong. I believe that she can do anything and she would do anything for me. And you don't even know how lucky I am to have her in my life, like seriously, she sometimes gets more obsessive over books than I do. I know she's not the nicest person to you, but she is to me. Trust me, if you want her to, she can be nice to you, too. I mean look how she treats Chiron, he's the happiest dog alive and that's because of her. That's what I see in her." I feel all of them staring at me, but I still have my eyes fixed on Lauren.

"Prove it that she can change." is Lauren's only response.

"Well okay. Amy, would you try and be nicer to the people around you for once?"

She looks at me a bit startled, maybe from my response to Lauren's question or from my question right now, I can't really tell. But maybe that's also the whole tension between me and Lauren right now, I can tell that she already forgave me, she only needs one last reason to go back to normal.

"I'd do anything for you and yes, of course I'll be nicer to Lauren if she wants me to. Or well at least I will try, I can't really promise you anything, but I will try." Amy looks over to Lauren who glares at her and starts shifting uncomfortable. "Shane, how long do we have to keep playing?"

"Until they hug. Amy, how has your life changed since Karma is in it." Shane is in the fast lane now, too. I can tell that we're close to ending this whole feud.

"Eh well," she's startled again, maybe it's the whole situation that makes it hard for her to process things. "You know … I don't know where to start, she's been in my life forever, I know her since I'm five. But I know what you mean, my life changed in quite a good way people would say. I don't drink that much anymore, I almost quit smoking, I don't hang out with Liam anymore and I didn't get in trouble anymore. I sometimes even enjoy going to school. But the most important thing is, that she makes me happy, that's basically it. She makes me happy and that's why I'm lately nicer to people than normally anyway, so yeah." She looks at Lauren now again. "Lauren, do you forgive her now?"

Lauren looks at her for a moment and then sighs. "Like I said, I forgave her a while ago. And I mean I can see that you changed in this short time you two are involved with each other. You two have to promise me though that you keep a certain decency in front of me, I don't want to see any affectionate things between you two. And I want you to promise me to tell my stuff like that in the future, you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you over something like that." She looks at me now.

"I promise" I say, smiling a bit.

"I can't go right back to normal, Karma. I'm still somewhat hurt, but I'll try."

I nod in response, I do get it, I just wish we could get this whole shit behind us and move on already.

"Girls, you know we'll play until you two hug, so hug already so I know you'll be fine."

We both sigh but get up. I embrace her in a tight hug. "You know I'm sorry, right?"

She sighs again, "Yeah I know." She hugs me back and it takes a while until we both pull away.

"We'll leave you two alone now, I get that Lauren still needs her space. Thanks Shane." I say while pulling Amy off the floor.

"Yeah fine, have fun with whatever you'll do upstairs," Shane says waving at us. He already opened Netflix on the TV and scrolls through the movies.

Amy puts her arm around me again and looks at the TV. "So how about watching Househunters?"

I smile and nod at her. This turned out to be a good idea that Shane had, that's very uncommon. It will still take her some time, like a week or so, and then Lauren and I will be back to normal again, finally.


	18. Chapter 18

We're lying on Amy's bed with a pack of cookies and a box of frosting. We're in the middle of the first season of Arrow. Amy couldn't believe that I've never watched it, so she's making me binge watch it, not that I mind, because it is surprisingly good.

Amy's phone chimes and she looks at it. Then she looks at me with a grin on her face. "Hey, there's this party tonight at a friend's house and I was wondering if we should go. I really want you to meet my friends."

I pause the episode, because I don't want to miss this scene, and look at her. "I already know Liam, so why bother?" I was hoping for a chilling weekend, but of course I'll go to this stupid party. I just want to play with her a little.

She frowns at me. "You do know I have other friends that Liam, right? And I really want to see them again. I haven't been around them lately because I keep hanging out with you."

"You say as if that's a bad thing." I try to sound offended, but it's obviously mocked.

She frowns even more and I start to feel bad. "Well okay, we don't have to go if you don't want to." She purses her lips and starts to pout.

"Oh god, Amy, I was kidding! Of course we'll go there, why are you so easily offended?" I clutch her arm and lean forward to kiss her cheek. "I'll do whatever you want, my darling."

She wrinkles her nose by the word "darling". Last night I found out that she thinks it's too posh for her and I can't bring myself to call her something else ever since.

"Good, I'll tell Chels then that we're coming, they can't wait to meet you." She eagerly grabs her phone and starts composing a text.

"They know about me, but I don't know about them? Why?" I pull at her sleeve, so she'd look at me.

"Well they never came up in conversation and ever since we're lab partners I can't talk about anything else, you know?" She just shrugs and turns to the screen again. She hits play, but I hit pause again.

"What did you tell them about me?" I tug at her sleeve again, this time while scooting closer to her.

She smiles and puts one arm around my waist, pulling me to her. "I showed them a picture of you and they said you're beautiful. I told them you're not like the girls I've ever dated, that you're the smartest girl I know and that I'm falling for you."

She's falling for me? That's so … cute. I put my hand on her stomach and start playing with the hem of her shirt. "How am I different from those other girls?"

She thinks for a moment then clears her throat. "The first girl I ever dated was very demanding, she was dominant, you know? She knew what she wanted and she did everything to get it. You're not demanding, you have other ways to get what you want. She used illegal ways to get her will, you use wit. I think that's marvelous. You could also say I never dated a good girl. They never played by rules and they always thought my way was the right way to do things. They accepted the things like they were, they didn't question anything. And I love that you question basically everything. You want to know new things, you want to learn and more importantly: you want to teach." She looks down at me and tugs my hair behind my ear. "And I love to be taught."

I don't say anything after that, I wouldn't know what. After a while she hits play on the episode again and we watch the rest of it in silence. I know she doesn't expect me to say anything, she knows that I loved hearing it, but that's the thing. What if she only said it because I wanted to hear it? What if I'm exactly like the other girls? What if I'm nothing special to her? Everybody has a type, what if her type is oblivious-girl-next-door? She says she's falling for me, but is she really?

"What's wrong knockout?" She pinches my side lightly to get my attention.

"What? Nothing, no. Everything's alright, I guess." I look at her and he has her eyes on my hand that's still playing with the hem of her shirt.

"I can tell that something's not alright, tell me."

I sit up so I can face her and sigh. "You know, some people are insecure and guess what, I'm one of those people. I don't know, it'll go away in a while, but it's not your fault that I am."

She pulls me onto her lap and pulls me down. She kisses me gently and when she pulls away she says "You don't have to be insecure, but I get it, everybody is. Even though you're perfect."

I snort and shake my head "No human is perfect, that's highly impossible, that's just not in our nature."

She smiles at me and runs her hands down my side. "You know, you're seriously the most intelligent person I know, maybe that's why I l-"

I quickly press a kiss on her lips in pure panic, she can't say it! She shouldn't say those words! When I pull away she looks at me startled.

"What was that?"

I climb off her lap and smile awkwardly. "You know, we've been going out for almost 2 weeks, don't you think it's a bit early to say something like that?" Before she could answer I continue, "I mean think about it, the phrase "I love you" is used way too often and way too early in most relationships. Some studies say that that's the reason why they're failing, but that's not the point. The point is that you're 16, how do you even know it's love?"

She just chuckles and shakes her head. "I don't know, it feels like it. But if you don't want me to say it, I won't. If you think it's bad karma for our relationship." She winks at me. I glare at her in response. "But, since we're already about to get out of bed, I'm gonna walk you home and pick you up at 8 again, you should get ready, and I should, too." She leans forward and places a small kiss on my nose.

"How come you're accepting everything I say even though it's not your opinion?"

She smiles uncomfortably for a second but it turns soft quickly. "Because that's what a relationship is about, honey. Now come on, I'll bring you home."

She picked me up right on time and it took us 15 minutes to get to this party. In the car she told me that Chelsea is a senior, she wants to study art after graduation and that Liam pines over her ever since they first met. Chelsea is one of her best friends for 3 years now and she met really cool people thanks to her.

We walk inside and are greeted by the smell of smoke, alcohol and sweat. Great combination. A girl runs up to us, she has red curls and all in all a beautiful face. She has a slim figure and wears a tight black dress. She runs into Amy and hugs her violently.

"Jeez, I didn't think you'd come! And you brought your lovely Karma!" She grabs my hand and shakes it. "I'm Chelsea, but please call me Chels, everybody does. So glad to meet you." She grabs one of Amy's hands and leads us to the kitchen. "Here's a keg and other drinks, feel free to drink whatever you want and wherever you want. This is a free country after all!" She winks at me and runs off again.

I look after her and try to process what just happened, it all went way too fast. Amy taps my shoulder and hands me a cup of beer.

"So that's Chelsea, she's great, right?"

I take the cup and still look in the direction she ran off to. "Right … Is she always like that?"

Amy follows my gaze and starts walking in the direction where the music comes from. "Like that … you mean hyperactive?" She looks at me, partly to see if I follow and to get an answer. I nod. "Only on parties, normally she likes to play things cool, but on parties she's full on crazy. I love it."

We enter a different room, I guess this is the living room. It's full of people dressed in leather and black and if I'm not mistaken then Break the Rules by Charli XCX plays on the stereo. This couldn't be more cliché right now. Amy walks us to the couch that is currently occupied, but she just looks at the people who sit there and they get up and make room for us.

"What was that?" I ask, pretty confused.

"What that? Eh they know how close I am with Chels and they don't want to mess with her. She seems nice, but she can be a bitch, trust me. You don't want to get on her bad side."

I nod and sit down next to her. Chelsea looks really nice, but the most people who do are pretty bitchy and do pretty mean stuff when you make just one mistake. I observe the room. There is no familiar face and somehow I imagined them more mean looking. The only thing that really bothers me is that they're all smoking inside, I guess that's the cool thing to do. I wonder what Chelsea does tomorrow morning to get all the smoke out of the house. But that's not my problem I guess.

"You're not having fun, I shouldn't have brought you here." Amy places her hand on my thigh and her look is a mix between guilt and concern.

"What? No, this is so interesting, I'm serious. I never saw people like that in their natural habitat." She still frowns a bit, so I add "But how do you live with that constant smell of smoke? Doesn't it make you gag?"

That makes her snort and roll her eyes, she does that almost as often as I do. "I think you're kinda used to it when you smoke yourself, you know? But hey tonight you're gonna meet some of my friends and you'll see that they're great. And they'll see that you're great. And I'll be standing next to you and just be happy." She leans closer with every word and finally places a kiss on my temple.

"I hope you're right, I have an odd feeling about this evening." And I really do. Something feels off, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's just my imagination, trying to ruin things again, who knows.

We sit there for quite a while, looking and commenting on people that we see in the room. "I'm gonna go grab something to drink, want something, too?" I get up from the couch and look at her.

"No thanks, do you want me to come with you?" She almost stands up, but I place my hand on her shoulder to push her back down.

"Don't bother, I'm a grown girl" I give her a quick kiss and leave her back in the living room.

In the kitchen there's Chelsea with some other girls at the keg, laughing at something someone said.

"Oh hey Karma, you want something to drink?" Chelsea steps aside from the keg and smiles at me. The other girls look me up and down and one of them tilts her head.

"So you're Karma, Amy's new girlfriend, right?" I nod, not sure if I should talk or not, and not sure if this is a friendly matter or not. "Wow she made quite a catch, you're cute." The girl smiles at me and I smile back, probably a bit awkwardly, but I'm seriously not sure what to think off this whole situation.

"Amy can be lucky that we're no lesbians, otherwise we would pine after you, you know?" Chelsea swings her arm around my shoulder and laughs.

"What makes you so sure that you had a chance with me?" I laugh with a raised eyebrow.

Chelsea mocks offense and clasps her other hand on her heart. "That hurt right there Karma, right there. You don't think we're attractive enough?"

I look at all four girls, they were stunning, each one in her special ways. "You'd be attractive enough, but it's not all about the looks, is it?"

The girls smile at each other and look back at me. "If you say so," another girl says, winking at me. "But I bet when the right person comes along, you would do everything without knowing the personality."

I shrug as a response. "Maybe I would, but that doesn't matter right now, I have Amy."

Chelsea chuckles and shakes her head. "Wow, you're faithful. If Amy hurts you, I'll kill her." All the girls nod in agreement and giggle.

But what do they mean? That sounded like Amy hurt a lot of girls in her past. And like her other girlfriends weren't all faithful to her. But at least it seems like they like me, right?

"Let's get you back to your girlfriend then, we don't want her to wonder where you are." Chelsea drags me to the living room, but I stop in the door frame.

A girl with dark hair, no wait not all of it is dark, some part is purple, sits down next to Amy and starts talking to her. Normally I wouldn't be suspicious about stuff like that, but Amy looks at her in a certain way I can't place. They start talking. Chelsea notices my tension and looks over to Amy, she sucks in a deep breath, that doesn't sound good.

"Who is that?" I ask, my eyes fixed on the girl in leather jacked and loose fitting shirt.

"That's Amy's ex girlfriend Reagan, she was her first." I look at Chelsea and she looks at them with a worried expression.

"What's the deal with Reagan? What's their story?" My eyes are back on them now, I can't help but notice that this Reagan girl scoots closer to Amy, and Amy lets her.

"That's not my story to tell." I look at her again and there must be something in my expression that gets to her because she continues. "Fine, I'll tell you. So, Reagan was her very first girlfriend, 2 years ago. They met at one of these parties at my place. Reagan was the one to ask her out, Amy was quite shy when it came to stuff like that, but remember, she was 14. So yeah, they started dating and were somewhat happy. In the end Amy said Reagan isn't good for her, she makes her feel bad about a lot of stuff, drowns her in self loathing and stuff like that. Reagan isn't a good girlfriend.

"So they broke up and Amy dated another girl, but then Rea came back into the picture and Amy ditched her girl for Rea. They had an on and off thing for the last 2 years."

I kept watching them the whole time and they look like they have a really good time. Reagan laughs at everything Amy says and Amy just keeps talking, she normally doesn't do that. Will tonight already be the end of this relationship? Will she leaves me for Reagan? I feel myself frown and my fist clench and rage is just filling my body.

Chelsea quickly catches up on my reaction. "With you it's different, we all see it. You shouldn't be worried, she loves you." I just shake my head, I'm almost walking over, but Chelsea holds me back for a second. "Seriously, she was talking about you ever since I know her, way before she knew Reagan. You're her dream girl."

I don't even have the nerve to think about what she said. "Well she has to prove that."

Before I can think about my actions I'm already walking in their direction and when I'm there I put on my biggest fake smile and extend my hand to Reagan. "Hi there, I'm Karma, Amy's girlfriend."

Reagan looks at my hand then at my face. She hesitantly takes my hand and shakes it. "I'm Reagan." She raises and eyebrow and looks back at Amy with that questioning expression.

I look at Amy, too. Her face shows panic and she's absolutely overwhelmed with this situation. I sit down on her lap, next to her would be a free spot, but who am I to not mark my territory? I grab her face and kiss her. When I pull away she looks even more overwhelmed than before.

"Oh it's nice to meet you Reagan, by the way. So, how do you two know each other?" I smile at her.

When I glance at Amy I can see that she can tell what I'm doing. She frowns a bit at me, but still strokes my back lightly.

"Oh, Amy and I just used to hang out a lot I guess." Reagan says, looking at Amy.

Amy pulls me down to her and whispers "What are you doing my dear?" And kisses my cheek as a cover.

I smile at her innocently and shake my head. "Why nothing, I'm just meeting your friends."

Reagan chuckles a bit and when I look at her questioning she just shakes her head. "Oh, we weren't really friends I think. We were something else, but I have the feeling that friends would be better right now." She never keeps her eyes on me, they always trace back to Amy. And I can't stand the way she looks at her, quite longing, almost begging.

I take Amy's face in my hands so she'd look at me. "So this is a former lover of yours?" My smile is dangerously warm and Amy swallows hard.

"I guess you could call her that, but she lied we've been friends after we broke up." Her eyes are wide and her hands grab the side of my dress tightly. "But yeah … I guess you could call her that." she repeats.

I have the feeling I scare her a bit, but this is just incredibly funny and so satisfying. When I look at Reagan again I see her eyes are fixated on my neck and that's when I remember. The necklace she gave me. Reagan backs away a bit and purses her lips. The necklace is an indicator, maybe she never got something like this, or maybe she did. I don't care, but it shows her that it's serious between me and Amy. Oh god. Amy takes this relationship really serious. I look at Reagan for a second and then at Amy again. This time my smile is sincere and when I capture her lips she relaxes. She can feel my change of mood and she smiles into the kiss.

When she pulls away she tugs my hair behind my ear. "Did I already tell you how beautiful you look tonight?"

I shake my head. "Not since I left to change for the party." When I look to the side again, Reagan is gone and Chelsea replaced her, smiling bright at us.

"Wow, that was quite something. I've never seen Reagan leave a party that fast." She nudges my shoulder playfully.

"Well I would, too if I were her. Karma you scared me." She runs her hands up and down my back.

I draw my shoulders up and purse my lips. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." But I'm glad that bitch got my message. I hope she'll never look at Amy again. Thank god I didn't say that out loud, that sounds like an overly obsessed girlfriend.

"Don't apologize girl, that territorial behavior was fierce! I wish Amy would've gotten your attention earlier, that would've speared us some drama, right Amy?"

But Amy's not listening. We both look at her and she looks at something or someone with a clenched jaw and a not very happy expression. I follow her gaze and see Liam. He stands on the other side of the room and looks back at Amy.

I hear Chelsea sigh next to me. "They're fighting again, aren't they?" I nod as a response. "They always do that, I don't get it, they're supposed to be best friends. But for some reason all they do is fighting."

Amy lets out a deep breath and places me down to her side. "I have to talk to him. Be right back." She gets up and walks towards Liam.

"So after tonight everything will be normal again."

I bite my lip and look at them while Amy and Liam clearly start an argument. "I don't know, I have the feeling it's because of me."

Chelsea snorts, but stops when she realizes I'm serious. "You can't think that, why would they?"

Amy uses big hand gestures, like she tries to make a point and right then and there Liam points at me. What are they talking about? "I don't know, I just have this feeling. Do you mind if I go outside? I kinda need some fresh air." I get up and walk to her garden.

I sit on the grass and watch the stars. Amy stands behind me for a couple of minutes now, I can tell that she smokes a cigarette, but I won't say anything about it. Finally she clears her throat and I turn around. She looks devastated and angry, like something really hurt her.

"Do you mind if we go? I don't think I'll have a good time if we'd stay." She offer me a hand to help me up and I take it.

"Sure, if you want that." I say, giving her half of a smile and she returns a weak one.

We walk to the car, I make the attempt to take her hand, but she put her hand in her pockets. Wow, mood killer. The car ride is silent, she doesn't say a word and I'm to scared to speak first. She doesn't drive me to her place, she drives me home instead. I frown at her when I notice it, but she keeps her eyes fixed on the street. Well maybe she's just really upset and tomorrow will be okay again.

She parks the gar in my driveway and she still doesn't look at me.

"Goodbye," I say, leaning in to kiss her, but she doesn't react. So I kiss her cheeks and open the car door. "Call me tomorrow?"

She shrugs and mumbles "Bye" right before the door is closed. She still doesn't look at me, not even when she backs out of the driveway. I look after her until I can't see the car anymore.

What the fuck was that? Why is she so upset? What happened? I'm so confused.


	19. Chapter 19

"Something odd happened yesterday," Lauren says as she lets her tray fall down next to mine in the cafeteria. I don't react. "My house was almost empty, just Amy there. And what's odd about that? She was home and you weren't at my house. That's odd." When I still don't react she continues. "And today before school, I saw Amy with Liam smoking in the parking lot, where's your good influence, Karma?" Her voice drips sarcasm and I can't do that right now. "Is everything okay between the two of you?"

That's the big question, and I don't have the answer. Yesterday I texted her in the morning if she was feeling alright. She only answered _Yep._ and that was it. Nothing else after that. I asked her if she wanted to come over, but no response, none of my messages got one. And I just want to know what happened. I just want to know that we're alright. I really hope that we're alright. What did Liam do?

"Karma? Seriously, is everything okay?" My head snaps up from my food and I blink in Shane's concerned face.

"What? Yeah. Sure, whatever you say." And my head is down again. I got a text this morning from her. I pull out my phone and look at it again.

_I'll hang a low profile today. Don't worry if you don't see me outside from class. Seriously, don't worry.  
>x<em>

Low profile. So far I really didn't see her, normally she'd wait for me at my locker. She didn't do that. She would wait for me outside of the classroom, but she didn't do that either. After chem I tried to be out faster, so I could wait for her and ask her what this is all about, but she gathered up her stuff before the bell even rang and ran outside so fast I didn't see her.

And now that I know Liam and her are hanging out again, I don't know what to think. Are we over? She told me not to worry, but everything about this screams danger and suspicion. I look up again to see Lauren and Shane looking at me worried.

"Did something happen between you two?" I shake my head. "But there must be something, if it's not about her, then why are you so down?"

"Oh it's about her," I shrug. "But I don't know what's going on, maybe she's just in one of these moods again. I don't know." I get up and leave, I let everything there, my tray, my bag, I just have to be alone right now.

I walk to our tree, the tree where we bonded, where we connected and I sit down underneath it. This tree isn't only important to me because of her, this was her place before me. Or was there a "before me" for her? What did Chelsea say? Amy talked about me ever since she knew her. They know each other for about three years now, so why did Amy only start talking to me now? Why not earlier? Was it the letters? Did she see this as an opportunity to finally talk to me? Because she could help me find out who wrote them? But we never found out. There's an uneasy feeling in my stomach that I can't place. Or I don't want to place, because the feeling must be wrong.

Maybe Liam wrote the letters and Amy found out. She didn't tell me and now Liam threatens Amy to tell me … does that make sense? Oh no it doesn't. Why do I even care about the letters right now? These stupid fucking notes, I wish I never got them, then I wouldn't sit here, wondering what the hell did I do that Amy is mad at me. Or is she mad? I don't even know, she won't talk to me.

I bury my face in my hands and let out a shaky breath. Why is this happening? I thought I could finally be happy. I shake my head and look at the tree. That's when I see it.

There's a K carved into the tree. It looks older, I mean at least a year. I run my fingers over it. It's clearly her work, it can't be someone else's. This is her tree, her refuge, and there I am. I've always been here.

I get up and walk around, this can't be right, this is all my imagination. If I pinch myself then maybe I'll wake up and I'll be lying in her arms and nothing happened. It's still Saturday and we can go to the party.

"Ugh" I let out a frustrated groan. Oh who am I kidding? I walk past my locker and stop. I walk back and look at it, there's a small white corner sticking out of it. You have to be fucking kidding me, this is so not the right timing. I open it and catch the sheet before it can fall to the ground. I fold it open and start reading.

"_You know when you think you know someone? More than anyone in the world? You know you know them, because you've seen them, like, for real. And then you reach out, and suddenly they are just … gone. You thought you belonged together. You thought they were yours, but they're not. You want to protect them, but you can't"  
>Ava Dellaira – Love Letters To The Dead_

_Think about it, Karma.  
>Yours truly. <em>

I read it again. This is like the first letters and nothing like the last one. Only that it's a quote, a quote from a book that I just recently read. What does the author know about Amy that I don't? That makes me think back that it might be Liam, it seems plausible now. But Liam is not much of a reader, Liam doesn't read. I'm so confused.

"Hey, whatcha doin?" Shane comes up from behind and snatches the sheet from my hand, before I can do anything about it he just places my bag in my arms. "You forgot that by the way." He reads the note carefully and returns it back to me. "Mail from the loved one?"

I shake my head. "No, it's not from her, though I think it's about her. It's nothing."

Shane narrows his eyes at me. "Don't bullshit me, this is something. It sounds like you got more notes like that." He waves the note in front of my face and I can't even look at it.

"Fine, yeah. I received letters like that before, but I don't know who they're from. That's what Amy and I tried to figure out." I sigh and shut my locker.

He reads the note again and mumbles "That sounds like a book you would read." Then he looks up at me and says "I want to read the other notes, show me." Shane puts the note in his bag and still looks at me.

"Erm what? Why? It's nothing important and no big deal." I say with wide eyes.

"Well then you can show them to me without a problem, great huh?" He nudges my shoulder and we walk off to our next class.

We told Lauren about the letters, too, because I felt guilty about not telling her, now we're sitting in my room, trying to figure out the letters. This is an amazing distraction, I didn't think about _her_ in almost half an hour, that's my personal best!

"Ugh, I can't. Those are way too cheesy, is this guy serious?" Lauren rereads the first letter, and I gotta be honest, it really was cheesy. _"__You are the Juliet to my Romeo, and if you'd disappear from my life, it would be worthless" I mean … wow._

_"__Why are you so sure it's a guy, it could be a girl, I think it's too cheesy for a guy." Shane says while analyzing the forth letter. It was the letter about timing, I don't know what to think about this whole timing theory, it has a certain ring to it, maybe the timing between me and Amy is just off, who knows. Ugh, I'm thinking about Amy again, I shouldn't to that. _

_"__So you got five notes in total?" Lauren scratches the back of her neck. "This person is seriously weird. And yes person," she says, glaring at Shane," because you might be right. This really could be a girl." _

_I shake my head and sigh. "No, I got six notes, but I threw one of them away. But it was different. I still think it wasn't from the same person, it didn't sound like it, because the note said that the author suddenly wanted to meet me, and I don't know, I'm just … I don't know." I lean my head back, we're sitting with our backs against my bed and my head is now on the mattress._

_"__Why did you throw it away, you nuthead? That was the most important exhibit! It was different, so it's important … Wait, it had the same handwriting?" I nod. "That's weird, how can two people have the exact same handwriting?"_

_I shrug, "How should I know? But do you think that this is a sign that it was the same person?" _

_Lauren looks in the air and then at me. "Well was the last note after you got together with Amy?" I nod again. "Well then it's obvious, the person must be jealous and that's the reason for the sudden change." _

_I purse my lips, I thought that, too. I remember that I thought that, too. But I'm still not sure about all of this. It just didn't seem sincere enough, not like the note from today. It's so weird, I don't know … I just don't know, I know that I think and say it a lot, but it's true, this is the first time in my life where I can honestly say, I have not a single clue about this whole thing. _

_"__Oh and I found a note thingy, not a real note, but a piece of paper with that handwriting on a party. Brandi's party. Yeah, that great party." I roll my eyes and Shane gives me a sympathetic look. _

_Shane picks up the second letter and reads it again. "Good girls don't exist, they're just bad girls pretending to fit in. I don't know why, but I like that, it has a ring to it. And when you look at our society it makes sense. Such a weird thing to say, that your stalker is probably really smart."_

_I snort and punch Shane's shoulder. "I don't have a stalker, I have a weirdo who sends me letters, but the letter from today keeps me thinking so much, it's probably the biggest clue."_

_They both look at me a bit confused. "Why is this the biggest clue? What do you mean?" Lauren finally asks. _

_I stare at the latest letter, a quote from a book that I loved so much, from a character that deserves so much more, why this quote? Why this one? There were so many amazing quotes in that book, why this one, what does the author wants to tell me? "I don't know." I stand up and shake my head. "I just don't know." I walk to the door and open it, before I exit my room I look at Lauren and Shane. "I can't stand that I don't know." And with that I exit the room, not only the room, I exit the house and the street and I walk. I just walk. I know where my feet walk me to, but right now I couldn't care less, I need air. I just need air, I just want to know!_

_I stand in front of Amy's house and look at my watch. 6pm, I bet she's out with Chiron right now, it's the normal time for them. And right on key I see her turning the corner. I watch her walking towards the house, her eyes on the ground and when she finally lifts them, she stops walking. She looks at me with a confused expression, I at least thought she'd be happy to see me. _

_She lets go of Chiron's leash and he runs to me, greeting me, he's happy to see me. I pet him, my eyes not leaving her. After a few moments she comes closer, and frowns more with every step she takes. _

_"__Hey," I say, my voice almost breaking. _

_"__Hey," she says, calm and steady. "Wasn't expecting you here." She takes Chirons leash in her hand again. _

_"__Why? Am I not allowed to see my girlfriend?" Her eyes fall to the ground. "The girlfriend that doesn't talk to me since Saturday night and I have no idea what I did wrong and I have no idea why she shuts me out like that."_

_Amy runs her hand through her hair and sighs. "You didn't do anything wrong, you did everything right. I just … I can't right now." She shakes her head and walks past me. _

_I get hold of her hand and keep her from walking away. "Amy wait, I have to ask you something." She turns around and purses her lips. "Are we still together, or is this the end?"_

_Her eyes fall to the ground again and I'm pretty sure my heart just stopped beating. This can't be real, I must be dreaming, right? She's not breaking up with me, is she? In the next moment she takes my hand, intertwines our fingers and pulls me closer. Her other hand tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear, her eyes still don't meet mine. "I could never leave you," she whispers, finally meeting my eyes, "But I know that you will eventually and I'm scared off that moment." _

_I get a hold of her sweater and cling onto it. "Why would I leave you? What could you do to make me leave you?" _

_Instead of answering me, she leans in and places the softest kiss on my mouth and I feel like an addict. Until now I didn't realize how much I missed her lips on mine, how much I missed her hands traveling up my spine, the electricity that runs through my body when she's around. It's only been two days and I can already say that I don't want to go that long without her kissing me. But still, I'm the one that pulls away, I need one last answer._

_"__Will you still be that distant in school and, well, all the time?" _

_She pulls away completely and yet again, her eyes fall to the ground. "Probably, but not as much, I can't handle being away from you for that long. I need to figure something out, okay? And when I figured it out I'll tell you. I just need this time right now, okay? Please give me this time." _

_I nod and that nod slowly turns into shaking my head. No, I can't do that. "I'll try to leave you be, but you're my fucking girlfriend Amy, for god's sake. I want to spend time with you. As much time as I can, because I'm falling hard for you, don't you get that?!" My voice breaks and I try to suppress a sob. _

_She leans over, wipes away a tear that I didn't know was there and kisses my cheek softly. She then turns around and walks to her house. "You shouldn't." She turns around again and looks at me. "You shouldn't fall for me, Karma. I might not catch you." She turns and walks inside. _

_And now I'm left here, here in front of her house with her telling me that she will hurt me eventually. And she said it in such a cheesy manner, how can she do that? Why does she do that? I don't get it, I just don't get it. _

_I walk home again, thinking about everything. So we're still together and she's just figuring something out. That's positive, right? She kissed me, that's positive, right? She told me she'll never leave me, that's positive, right? … She told me I'll leave her eventually … that's bullshit … right?_


	20. Chapter 20

_It was probably the worst week of my life, following the definitely worst and strangest weekends of my life. Amy kept contact to a real minimum and I think I'm dying. We sat next to each other in class, but didn't talk. She'd sometimes reach over and squeeze my hand. In the breaks, such as lunch and free period she was nowhere to be seen, I even saw Liam more often than her. I wonder where she is all the time. This is torture, more torture than when she ignored me for a day. And I still have no clue why she does all this, I'm sill clueless about everything she does and if we'll get back to our honeymoon state. _

_I'm sitting in the bus, staring out the window on the way to school, there's too much on my mind right now, I just hope that my grades don't suffer from my emotional complications, but we'll see about that. I had a pop quiz last week and hopefully I did okay. _

_I feel somebody sit down next to me, and I'd recognize this smell everywhere. I don't even have to look at her to know it's Amy. The whole aura screams Amy, I can't describe what it is, but I just know it's her. And right now, I don't want to look at her. Even though I wonder why she's driving the bus today. _

_I feel her fingertips in my palm tracing letters: H I . I feel myself smile and I take her hand into mine while I shake my head. She squeezes my hand lightly and lifts it up to kiss my knuckles. She puts my hand back in my lap, still holding it. She leans in my direction and whispers "I missed you." Her voice sends shivers down my spine and I smile even more. _

_I decide to look at her, and my eyes widen, my smile slowly disappears. She looks like she hasn't slept in days, like she's the biggest drug addict ever. I'm glad she showered this morning, I feel like it was the first time in days. _

_"__What's going on with you, you look horrible." _

_She smiles weakly at me. "Wow thanks, that's what I want to hear from you." _

_I just shake my head. "Why are you on the bus anyway?" _

_"__I wanted to see you."_

_I continue to shake my head. "We'll see each other in school the whole day." _

_She brushes her thumb over the back of my hand. "But I won't be by your side today." The side of her lips twitch and it looks like she's trying not to cry. "I'm gonna make a decision about something today, it's really important to me and I want to do the right thing. I need today for myself. But I had to see you and talk to you today." _

_I sigh and turn to the window again, withdrawing my hand from hers. "Do whatever you think is necessary." _

_When we arrive at the school, she leans over and places a soft kiss on my cheek. "You'll see that my behavior makes sense. Please bare with me. I need you." _

_I turn to her again and before she gets up, I get hold of her shirtsleeve. "I want to, Amy. I really want to trust you with this, but you give me nothing, you give me nothing at all."_

_She gets up from her seat and exits the bus. It takes me another second to recover from this bus ride and when I exit the bus I'm greeted by a curious Lauren. _

_"__Why did Amy take the bus today?"_

_I walk past her, my face emotionless and just waving my hand, signaling her to follow me. "She wanted to be cute, but it didn't work out." _

_"__So you two are still fighting? You're fighting almost as long as you two are together." She raises an eyebrow at me. _

_"__We're not fighting, she's just acting weird. I promise you I'll find out today what's going on. I will." And I'm not sure if I want to convince her or myself with that statement. I walk up to my locker and roll my eyes when I see Liam standing a few feet next to it with Brandi. Did he finally give in? Did she finally get what she wants?_

_"__Hey look," Lauren nudges my shoulder and points at Amy, she slowly walks over to Liam, not looking at me at all. _

_She walks up to him, and drags him to the side. I lean against the lockers and watch them with Lauren next to me. _

_If I concentrate enough I can barely hear what they're saying. _

_"__You would seriously do that? You would ruin my life just so you can have your fun?" _

_Liam laughs in response and says something along the lines "Oh honey, that's absolutely your fault. It was your idea after all." And he walks away again. _

_Amy glances up to me, gives me a smile and walks away, too. Okay what was that?_

_"__Okay what was that?" Lauren asks. I stare at her. _

_"__Get out of my head, I was just thinking that." I look after Amy again. "But seriously, that was confusing." I get my things from my locker and Lauren and I walk to our first class. _

_"__Oh I wanted to tell you something, something that threw me off a bit." Lauren's voice is so nonchalant, it doesn't even sound important what she wants to tell me. _

_"__Yeah? What is it? Tell me then." _

_She just shrugs. "So Amy came into my room on Saturday and asked me if you sometimes talk about her. At first I was tempted to bitch at her, but for some reason I just said yes. Still it's odd, right?"_

_She did what now? Why would she ask that? Does she want to make sure that I still wanna do this? Wait … why did she even ask Lauren? "Explain to me, how did she look like? Body language, expression, everything. And how did she react when you told her that I do talk about her?" _

_Lauren scrunches her face in confusion. "Well she looked sincere, like she really needed to know it. When she came in she didn't immediately start talking, which was kinda annoying, but whatever. So yeah, she just fumbled around with her hands and didn't even look at me when she asked me. Her face lit up when I told her yes, though. Like a little child or something, or like Shane when he gets a hit on Grindr."_

_We enter the classroom and I'm actually kinda excited. So she still does have feelings for me. At least one positive thing about this morning. Next to the kiss on the cheek and the hand holding. Yes I said it didn't work, but I'm happy about every touch I get from her lately. But still, that makes her behavior even more confusing. Why does she do all of that if she just wants to be with me? What in the world could make her that anxious about everything. _

_"__Earth to Karma? Are you alright?" Lauren waves her hand in front of my face and I blink a few times. _

_"__What? Yeah … I'm just wondering about Amy's behavior, it doesn't make sense to me." Seriously though, what could it be? Drug abuse? No, she says she's against drugs. Legal problems in general? Could be it. But what has that to do with me? Maybe she's cheating on me, Chelsea said that she's always been hung up on this Reagan girl, so maybe she's making a comeback. But I trust Amy enough that she wouldn't do that. She would never. So what could it be? I mean it's not like she wrote the letters, right?_

_Well school can be very interesting, at least for me, but when my mind is clouded it's not fun at all. I try to concentrate, I try to listen to what the teacher says, I try to look at the board, but my eyes can't stay fixed and my mind not focused. I'm gonna fail every test I'm writing during the coming time, I think I might ruin my grades with this. And yes, school is still something absolutely important, even though my girlfriend is going mental. I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship in the first place. It complicates everything. But on the other side, it makes everything brighter, too. I haven't laughed and smiled that much in ages, I feel actually good about myself when she's around. I feel loved and I feel fuzzy and warm inside. I never want this to end ever again. _

_When it's lunch I walk to the cafeteria with Lauren and Shane, I trail a bit behind them, because I'm not involved in their conversation. They talk about the letters, but I don't want to hear any of this, I really don't. Suddenly someone pulls me to the side into the janitor's room. I'm a bit startled and it's dark so I feel panic rising up my body until I feel all too familiar lips on mine. _

_Amy presses my against the door, her hands on my cheeks and we kiss, we kiss like nothing happened. The heat fills my complete body and there's no fuzzy feeling right now, I can only taste the lust and desire on her lips. _

_When I finally pull away we're both panting. "Didn't you wanna stay away from me today?" _

_She leans her forehead against mine and shakes her head. My eyes are adjusted to the dark now to see that hers are closed. "I can't" she whispers. "I can't stay away from you, I already stayed too long. I can't do this, I absolutely can't." She pauses and opens her eyes. She looks at my lips and comes closer again. "I need you." She pulls me into another kiss and presses her body against mine. "Please," she whispers in between kisses, "don't ever leave me. Please." Her voice is desperate and needy. I can feel her pain so much I almost can't take it. _

_"__I will never leave you," I say pulling away. I look her deep in the eyes and finally she meets mine. _

_"__Promise?" We're both still panting and our voice are almost in a whisper. Her hands trail down to my waist where they grip the sides of my … no … her sweater. _

_I sigh and look down at me. This morning I found her sweater in my room and couldn't help but wear it, I have no clue if she noticed. I look up to her again. "I promise." _

_And with one hand in her neck I pull her in for another kiss. A slow one, passionate yet loving, because I think I can slowly say that I might lo- no. I can't think that. When I think it, it's getting real and we've only been going out for 2 weeks and she didn't speak to me one of those weeks. _

_She smiles into the kiss, but lets out a deep breath, pulling away. "I'm sorry." She looks to the ground again, tightening her grip on me even more. _

_"__What for?" I ask, frowning at her. _

_"__I ..." She trails off, her eyes still fixed on the ground. "I don't know." She lets go off me and pushes me lightly away from the door. "I have to go. I'm sorry." She shakes her head and off she goes. _

_I'm too confused to do anything. She just kissed me like that, made me promise not to leave her and then she runs off just like that? What the actual fuck? She's not for real, right?_

_I exit the room and walk to the cafeteria where Lauren and Shane wait for me. _

_"__Were have you been?" Shane asks, his mouth half full with spinach. _

_"__Don't speak with you mouth full," I say sitting down, while my eyes skim the room. "I had to … do something." Amy is nowhere to be seen, but Liam is over there. Thank god I have class with her later, then she can explain to me what just happened. _

_Lauren and Shane still talk about the letters, it seems like that really consumes their mind, so I just pull out a book from my bag and start reading. They don't even seem to notice. But I don't read, I can't lose myself in the story, I'm too caught up by what just happened. _

_After lunch I wander through the halls to my next class. I sit next the window and I hear the classroom filling with students, until I hear the entry of the teacher. That's when I look up front. I look up front and see an empty desk. I look around and see all the other seats taken. I look around and I … don't see Amy. Where is she? Why isn't she here? What's going on? Why isn't she here?_

_The lessons starts and I still look around. I can't stop looking around. I start to panic, I feel my breath getting faster and faster and I don't know if there's no oxygen in my lungs, or too much. Why isn't she here, what is happening, and why the fuck am I panicking right now? She has a fucking right to be alone right now, but no! No she doesn't have the right! I have the right to be with her, I have the right to know what's going on and I have the fucking right to be a part of her life. _

_"__KARMA!" Mr Hart snaps me out of it. I stare at him with wide eyes and I'm still heavy breathing. I don't know when, but somewhere in my inner monologue I got up and walked to the front of the room. He looks at me concerned. "Are you okay? Do you want to go to the nurse?" _

_I look around the room, everyone is staring at me, they stare at me like I'm a freak, and maybe I am a freak, maybe Amy behaves normally and my mind tries to make it dramatic, maybe my mind trics me, maybe Amy and I aren't even dating. _

_I look back at Mr Hart and not. "Yes please." I mumble. _

_"__Do you want someone to join you?" I shake my head. "Are you sure?" I nod. He leads me to the door and when he closes it behind me I take a few deep breaths. _

_I won't go to the nurse, I don't know where I'll go, but I have to find Amy. I start walking, I don't care where. Where could she be? She's clearly hiding, like she did all week. Where could she be? She doesn't want me to find her and she doesn't care about basically anything. She likes to watch people and best case scenario: watch people without them knowing. Great, I know where she is. Reluctantly I walk in the direction of the roof. _

_When I get there I see her immediately sitting on the edge. She has a cigarette in her hand and there are 3 butts lying next to her. When I come closer she turns around, she has headphones in her ears and she smiles weakly. _

_"__Didn't think you would come up here." She pulls one of her headphones out. _

_"__Well I had to, you're nowhere else to be found and I can't stand that shit you're pulling." I hug myself, I don't know if I can do that._

_She looks down for a second then up at me. "Come here, let me show you something." _

_I hesitate, but start walking towards the edge. I stop when I can almost see down, but not yet. She gets up and gives me her headphones. I put them in. _

_And every slow-lit cigarette  
>That nervous hands can barely get the courage<br>I could always feel your eyes  
>And those dresses you made look like gowns<br>You're a sinner but the devil didn't even turned you down  
>Cause, nobody's gonna try for you<br>Nobody's gonna do like I for you _

_I look at her a bit bewildered. "Why are you showing me this?"_

_She just shrugs. "I listened to this song the whole week, it's stuck in my head and it reminds me of you. Don't you think it fits?" She sits down on the edge again, looking down. _

_"__What's going on with you, Amy? Why are you acting like a nutcase?" _

_She drags on her cigarette. "I'm gonna fuck you up, Karma. I know I will." She breathes out the smoke into the air._

_"__What do you mean? You just asked me never to leaves you." I walk closer to the edge, fuck being scared of heights, I want my Amy back. _

_"__And I don't want you to," she takes another drag, "but I'm not good for you, I never will be and I did too much wrong to be good enough." She looks down at the people beneath us. _

_"__Why the sudden change? I thought we went through all of this. And could you please stop smoking?! It's disgusting. Why are you smoking anyway?" _

_She just chuckles and shakes her head. "Y'all smoke to enjoy it, I smoke to die." _

_Did she just … "You seriously quoted Alaska Young?" _

_She lifts her head and gives me half a smile. She pulls something out of her jacket and I can see it's a flask. Before she can put it on her mouth to gulp something of the liquid inside, I place my hand on it. God, I'm awfully close to the edge and I feel my body tense up. But my hand on hers causes her to look at me. "I fuck everything up Karma, I do. And I have no idea what to do." _

_I take the flask from her and shake my head. "Where does all of this come from? Why now? And why so suddenly?" _

_She shrugs again, "I had something like an eye opening conversation with Liam." She looks down again. _

_"__What does this mean for us, Amy?" _

_She takes a while to answer. "I'm just thinking, thinking if we got our timing wrong, maybe we're too early, or maybe just too late." _

_That's when it hits me. All the connections that I thought were coincidences. She just quoted Looking For Alaska, she still knows so much about the times we spent together in kindergarten. She hates the cheer squad so much, she wants me to quit it. She keeps telling me how graceful, beautiful and talented I am, how glad she is that I'm hers. But it's most importantly what she said just now, about timing. No no no no no! This is not how it's supposed to be! This can't be real! Now I get the last letter, now I get what it wants to tell me. But it can't be, please. It can't be true. _

_"__Y_ou wrote the letters."


	21. Chapter 21

She turns her head to me, her face doesn't look shocked, she doesn't even try to reject, she just sits there with her calm expression and her eyes getting waters.

"Look Karma, I-"

"Just tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I got this all wrong and you have nothing to do with this." I slowly back away, my eyes still fixed on her.

She turns to me and shakes her head. "I-"

"Tell me!" I shout at her. I can't believe it, I can't be right with this. It wasn't her, it wasn't supposed to be like that!

She licks her lips and gets up. "I can't tell you this, it would be a lie. But I didn't write all of them, Liam and I-"

"Liam?! What the fuck Amy?! You and fucking Liam wrote the letter?!" I run my hand through my hair, this is too much for me right now. I turn around. How could I be so stupid, so fucking oblivious? It was right in front of me the whole time and I ignored it, because I thought she liked me. But it makes sense, doesn't it? I makes sense that she wrote the letters and now Liam blackmails her because she didn't tell me, that's what got her so upset, right? Or is there even more she didn't tell me?

"Karma, look at me. Please, talk to me." Amy walked towards me and grabs my hand.

I look down at our conjoined hands for a moment and shake my head. "Just tell me why. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you supposedly tried to help me find the person behind the letters when it was you? Why didn't you stop writing after we started talking?" I withdraw my hand from hers, "And why the freaking hell did you write this fucking letter in the first place?!"

She looks around and just shrugs, she seriously shrugs at me right now. "I don't know, okay? It felt right in the moment, I guess. I can't say why I did it, I really can't."

I roll my eyes and turn away from her again. I can't be here right now, I really can't. There's hear rushing through my body, adrenaline and I don't want to hurt her. I have to get out of here. This is too much right now, the person who means the world to me fucking lied to me for months. How could she do that?

"Karma, please don't leave me."

I run. I don't run, I float. I run so fast it feels like I'm floating away from everything. From her, from the school, from everything. The bell must've just rung, because the hallway is crowded with students and it's hard to push through the masses. I don't hear anything, in my head is complete silence with the constant sentence "It was her." playing on repeat. I just want to get outside.

"When I finally stand in the parking lot everything around me stops in time. Nothing moves anymore and everything that was fast and floating past me, stopped right with me. I take a few deep breaths and finally wipe away the tears that streamed down my face. I don't know when I started to cry, I just know I can't stop. I realize I'm still wearing her sweater. I quickly get rid off it and throw it away, far away. Unfortunately a sweater doesn't get very far when thrown, but at least it's not on my body anymore. I close my eyes and run both of my hands through my hair. For some reason this is stress releasing.

When I open my eyes again I see that someone picks up the sweater. I turn to the person and I'm presented with Amy once again. She followed me here.

"Look Karma, I get it. You're upset and-"

"Upset?! You think this is me upset?!"

"Fine, you're furious, you're disappointed and you feel betrayed." Now her words start to describe the feelings that boil up inside me. "But trust me, everything I said to you, in person and in the letters is true."

I look at her and shake my head. "Give me one good reason to believe you. Give me just one fucking reason why you wrote this piece of shit!" My voice rises with each word I say. I throw the last letter at her, the one with the book quote.

She stands there with no reaction whatsoever, she just looks at me.

"Oh fuck this," I throw my hands in the air in a dramatic gesture and walk away. I'm gonna walk home, I can't take the bus. I need air and I need time to think. Thank god the teachers think I'm sick and it won't go on my reckord.

"Does this mean were over?" She chokes out the sentence and when I stop and turn around I can see her cry. She actually cries, I've never seen her cry before. And I never thought I would. I know I mean a lot to her, but this right here, right now, this is too much. I need time.

"Yes … No … I don't know, okay?" I try to sound as calm as possible, even though seeing her in tears brings them back to my eyes, too. "I need some time. But most importantly, I need an explanation, give me one and if it's good, then I'll give you another proper chance." I pause. "I promised you I won't leave you. And I don't break promises." I turn away from her again.

She says nothing else and I can't believe I left her standing there, I left Amy Raudenfeld standing in the parking lot. If I didn't have to wipe my face every few seconds I would be proud of myself.

10 minutes into my walk my phone starts buzzing and it doesn't stop. I pull it out and put it on silent. As if I'd answer any calls right now. I didn't look at who was calling, but I bet it was Lauren.

I walk and walk and walk, and for some reason I didn't think this whole time. I don't know if I want to, all of this doesn't seem real to me. How could she do something like that to me? Sure, the letters were sweet and everything. Only this one letter wasn't, the one with the suggested meet up, I bet Liam wrote it, but it doesn't explain the handwriting, is he so good at faking people's handwriting? And can someone please explain the piece of paper at Brandi's party? Why was there this piece with my name on it. Oh wait, it explains her weird reaction to it though. So she wrote my name in calligraphy and normal on a piece of paper, but why? To impress some girl? I bet it was to impress some girl, way to go Raudenfeld. But then why my name? I sigh, this is so stupid, all of this is so stupid. So from the beginning, I need to get this story straight. Amy liked me, she always told Chelsea about me, so she suggested to Liam that they should prank me with a letter that she meant, or at least she said she meant it. Liam agreed, for a reason that I don't know. So they sent me a letter, and I went bonkers, but then why sending another one? I don't get it. After the second letter she ceased her opportunity to talk to me, she offered me help so we could spend time together and now slowly she made me fall for her.

Maybe this was her whole plan! Of course, this was the plan! This was the fucking plan from the start, to make me fall for her! So she could break my heart?! Oh fuck all of this, this is bullshit.

It took me an hour to walk home, but I could get some desperately needed air. I enter the house, walk up the stairs and lock myself in my room, ignoring any talking from my mother. I lie down on my bed and look up to the ceiling. For some reason the sun just annoys me, so I get up, shut my blends and lie down again, curling up so I'm a ball of hurt, because that's all I feel right now. I should put on some music, so I don't hear my mother's concerned voice outside my room, but I don't want to move anymore.

After I don't know how long, I hear a knock on the door, it's soft, and I know it's not my mother. I swear to god if this is Amy I'm gonna break her neck, I told her I need time. Then there is silence for a while until I hear something in my lock. I mentally slap myself, of course, my parents have a spare key, how could I forget that?

"Karma?" It's Shane's voice, and since I'm facing the wall, I don't know if Lauren's with him or not. "Hey you, I brought your bag, you left it at school." As if I care about my bag. Can he go now, please? "Look, do you want to tell me what happened?"

I turn to him, Lauren is with him and the both of them stand in the middle of my room looking like puppies with concerned faces and pity. I hate pity. "Well as if you don't already know what happened." I turn around again.

"We don't. But we also came here, because Lauren found something interesting." I turn to them again and raise an eyebrow. Shane pushes Lauren towards my bed.

"Well, not that I was doing anything special in Amy's room, but I found something. I found a notebook."

She hands me the notebook and when I open it I see her first tries in calligraphy, I see better calligraphy and poems and passages in the author's handwriting. I see my name scribbled on pages and the most interesting thing: that pages were torn out. I flip through the whole notebook, it's almost completely filled with all kinds of stuff, I didn't even know she had something like that.

"For some reason I thought it was a journal or something so I got curious." I look up at her, my expression emotionless. "And well I thought the handwriting was familiar, and then I remembered how the letter looked like. I think it's the same handwriting."

I hand the book back to Lauren. "It is," I simply state and lie back down on my bed.

Shane and Lauren look at each other and then at me. "Why doesn't this surprise you?" Shane asks, sitting down on my bed.

"Well it surprises me that she has a notebook filled with lyrical stuff. It doesn't surprise me that she is the author." I tell them, waving one hand in the air as an explanatory gesture.

Lauren also sits down on my bed and I can tell that they're absolutely confused, so I continue "Wow, you guys really don't know what happened." I clear my throat. "I figured out that I'm an idiot and my girlfriend who tried to help me find the author, basically helped herself hiding the fact that she wrote them."

And as in any good movie, both of them gasp simultaneously. I just shake my head, they're unbelievable. "Why didn't you tell us?" Lauren asks, frowning.

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Well maybe I was focusing on the betrayal of my girlfriend and wanted to vanish in my room forever, or at least until everybody graduates." I turn around and curl up again, why can't they just go away? I just want to be alone.

Shane whispers something to Lauren and they both get up from my bed. "Okay, I have an idea," he states. He pauses for a moment, waiting for my reaction but there won't be one. "So, we're gonna distract you for a while, because you have to get over her as quickly as possible."

Get over her? Why would I want to get over her? First of all I need an explanation and then I can know if we can be together or not. "You're aware of the fact that I'm still in a relationship with her, right?" I mumble.

I don't hear anything for the next few seconds until Lauren speaks up. "Say what now?"

I sigh again, okay now I'm seriously not joking anymore, I just want to be left alone. "She's still my girlfriend, she still means hella lot to me and until she explains herself I won't change anything about this situation."

"So you're gonna pretend like nothing happened and be lovey-dovey in school?" Shane asks.

"No, of course not. I need some time to think about all of that and I told her that. I know her, she will respect that. And when she has an explanation I will listen to what she has to say. But I promised her I won't leave her. I can't leave her, she's my world."

"Oh, okay, seems reasonable." There is doubt in Shane's voice, but we all know that a discussion would be pointless with me. I have my reasons I act the way I act, even though this is a new reaction to a situation.

"Can you guys please leave now? I need some time for myself. So if you don't mind."

They're silent for another moment, I feel the urge to turn around and make them clear that I'm serious, but then I hear Lauren sigh. "Fine, you're off the hook right now, but if you're not in school tomorrow I'll come and get you."

"I already ruined my perfect attendance, I have nothing to loose. But I will be there tomorrow." And just hope that she won't … But she probably will be.

"Bye Karma, see you tomorrow, I hope you'll feel better then," Shane says and brushes his hand over my arm. Lauren says her goodbye and then they're finally gone.

I still don't know what to do, I mean I don't know if she meant any of what she said to me, does she have feelings for me? Did she do all of that to prove me how manipulative I am? How stupid I am? That I'm just like the bimbos? Just why? Why can't nobody tell me why she did it? Not even she could tell me a good reason why. This is all bullshit, this is all so fucking stupid and I know it, she knows it, Lauren and Shane know it. I should leave her. I should break my promise and leave her, how am I supposed to trust her after she lied to my face for weeks? I mean yes, the hints were there if I think about it, but as if I thought it could be her?! I should leave her.

With these thoughts I turn on my back and stare at the ceiling. Something in the corner of my eye catches my attention. When I look at it, I see that Lauren left Amy's notebook with me. I only skimmed it when I first got it, but now I'm curious. I want to know what she wrote about, if she wrote about me, and if I can tell through this book if any of it meant something. I grab the book and start reading.

**A/N: I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long for what I would call a filler chapter, but I've been going through some stuff and wasn't really able to write, but hopefully I'll be able to write more in the next time^^** **Thanks for reading and for all the feedback btw!**


	22. Chapter 22

I read the whole night, trying to interpret the things in this little notebook, but I don't really think I was successful. It's almost 6am and I flip through the book yet again. It's filled with half written letters to me, apologizing for writing the first letter. They are dated one day before we were official. She wanted to tell me, but through a letter and not in person, why didn't she want to do it in person? Was she scared? Why didn't she send any of those? I don't get any of this.

I flip to the middle where the letters start. There is a draft of the first letter, with lines crossed out, things added, all in all and absolute chaos. There are also notes in a slightly different handwriting, noting when things are too cheesy. Liam maybe? I wish I still had the letter with the meeting suggestion, then I could compare the handwriting. There is so much in this book and the most confusing things are the pages with my name written all over them. It looks so weird to see my name like this. And the fact that this is on several pages, makes me uncomfortable.

In the beginning of the book, there is calligraphy, first pretty bad, her first attempts, but the quality increases quickly and suddenly there are not so nice words, looking more beautiful than anything else, all thanks to her hand.

Then there are these rhymes, I recognize some lyrics, others are quotes from poems and some I have no idea what they are, but all are about love and hurt. I have the feeling she wrote some of this stuff herself.

"Karma, get up! Breakfast is ready!" My mother is right outside the door and I just know she'll come in if I don't say anything.

"Be right down," I say loudly and hear my mother walk away. I put the book down and take a deep breath. Looking over to my mirror I realize that you can tell I didn't sleep tonight. Great, so at least my parents will have a great conversation topic this wonderful morning. If I'll take my time to put make up on my face to conceal the dark circles under my eyes, they'll get suspicious and will ask why it took me so long. I run my hand through my hair and get up, well this morning starts great, doesn't it?

Downstairs I'm greeted by the smell of humus and waffles. Great combination, really. The faces of my parents fall when they see me.

"Honey, what happened to you?" My mother asks with the concern written all over her face.

"What? Nothing, I just haven't slept that well. Everything's alright, can we just eat in peace please?" I take a waffle, pour myself some tea and starts eating. I blend out all the conversations my parents try to have with me or have with each other, all I can think about is this notebook.

I could see it as proof that she's not faking being into me, on the other side, if Lauren found it in Amy's room, she didn't hide it very well. Maybe she wanted Lauren to find it, maybe she wanted to trick me into reading it and coming back to her. There is only one way to find out: confrontation.

Today I'm gonna confront her with the notebook, let's see what she has to say about it, I'm pretty curious about that.

When I'm done eating, I get up without another word and get ready in my room. It's incredible what concealer and foundation make possible, I don't look like a drug addict anymore, more like I've studied a few hours too much. I freeze and stare at my mirror with wide eyes. Fuck. I have a test tomorrow and I didn't study so far. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK. Great, now this really influences my grades, Amy influences my grades. This isn't good. I need to study today. No excuses whatsoever.

I get my stuff for school and put my phone on loud again. It instantly chimes and I remember, maybe I should check the messages I got yesterday. I just got a message from Lauren, daring me not to go to school, whatever. The other texts are from Lauren and Shane, from last night, asking if I'm okay, where I am and what happened in school. Missed calls and everything, but there is one text that makes me frown. It's a text from Amy, all it says is

_I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)_

I know her well enough to know what she wants to tell me. This is an "I love you" without saying the exact words, so she uses Cummings' beautiful words to tell me, because I don't want to hear the actual words. Especially not now. But how come I know her so well? And she knows me so well? It's not that long ago that we started talking, this is all so fast.

Suddenly there is one thought on my mind: Soul mates. The principle of soul mates is easy: Two people who are connected in their minds, who share a special bond that is absolutely unique and it's a one in a lifetime chance to meet yours, but they don't exist. I shake off the thought again, my parents sometimes really get to me with this stuff. How should people be connected in their minds? I'm skeptical until someone gives me scientific proof.

I ignore all texts and calls and walk up to the bus stop. I use the bus ride to think about ways to confront Amy about the notebook, but I don't get a good idea, maybe I should just leave it. Not talk to her today. I mean everything just happened yesterday, I should give it some time, I need to settle myself with my thoughts and feelings and when I'm ready I'll talk to her. That sounds like a pretty good plan, I'm too confused to be productive today. Which is not a good thing, considering I wanted to study, I have to study.

I walk up to Shane's locker and I'm greeted with a worried face. "Hey sweety, how are you?" Well now I'm think how "sweety" somehow sounds like sweet tea, I never thought of that. God, my brain is useless today, how will I survive?

"I'm alright, I guess?" I try to suppress a yawn, but it surfaces.

"Okay, you didn't sleep last night, did you?" Ah yes, worried Shane equals captain obvious, it's amazing. I try not to roll my eyes at him.

"No I didn't but that's not the point at all, I was busy, I have a test tomorrow." None of that was a lie, I was busy and I have a test tomorrow, doesn't mean I was busy studying.

His face softens a bit and he sighs. "Well you're still into the whole school thing, I guess that's good. And I'm glad you came to school today and didn't let her bring you down." Oh she brought me down, but in another way, I guess.

"You need to set priorities in life," I shrug and we walk to first period.

It's the first time in forever that I actually listened to everything the teacher said, I weirdly understood anything. How do people actually fail in classes, all of that is so easy, or well, not everybody reads a lot of scientific and historic books. Am I the only one who's interested in stuff? Who wants to extend their knowledge?

After first period I walk to my locker with Shane following me. He keeps nagging about my emotional state.

"So you're really feeling okay?"

I sigh. "Kinda. Somewhat. Yes, I do feel okay. Just don't worry Shane, I'm okay."

I open my locker and inside there is something confusing.

"Are those lilies?" Shane grabs the orangy pink flowers that are put carefully in the middle of my locker and eyes them carefully. "Why does she place lilies there? Isn't the normal thing to send roses if you're begging for forgiveness?" He smells on them.

"I dare you to love me," I mumble, staring into my locker.

Shane turns to me with a confused look. "Pardon?"

I shake my head. "Those aren't just lilies, those are tiger lilies. Normal lilies are the symbol of purity and love, innocence even. But tiger lilies take it a bit further," I turn to him and look at the flowers. "Their meaning is 'I dare you to love me'."

I turn back to my locker absolutely confused why those flowers were inside there, then I spot something else, a letter. I take it and eye it carefully. It's the same handwriting as the other letters, even with my name on it in calligraphy. I unfold the sheet and take a moment before I start reading.

_Dear Karma,  
>Do you remember the first time we met? Because I do like it was yesterday. It was the third day of kindergarten and you were on your way home. Some kids, older than us, followed you. They were laughing at you, teasing you how your brother looked nothing like you. You didn't even try to explain to them that your brother is adopted, you just did your best ignoring them.<br>How I know that part of the story? That's a good question. I saw how they were following you and because I already had my eye on you since the first time I saw you, I wanted to make sure you're okay. And yes, I wanted us to be friends since the first time I saw you, I don't know what it was, maybe it was just the way you walked in the room, with a look of uncertainty and your plush bear.  
>Anyway, so I followed them following you. You started to walk faster, but we were so young and uncoordinated that you tripped and fell. The older kids were laughing at you, I felt so bad in that moment. I decided to help you up, so I walked to you and did exactly that. I saw that you tried your best not to cry. When the kids saw me, they started walking away, even back then I had the aura of trouble and they were kinda scared of me, strange huh?<br>When they were gone, you started to cry waterfalls and I did the only thing I knew people do when other people cry, and I hugged you. When you finally stopped crying, I pulled away and from that moment on, I knew you were my forever. And you know why? Because you smiled. Simple as that. When I pulled away from the hug, you smiled at me.  
>And to this day it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I really hope I'll see it again one day.<br>x Amy_

I remember it exactly. After that, I said thank you, introduced myself like my parents taught me to and she actually walked me home. She was a gentleman even back then. Or well, gentlewoman, I guess.

After that we hung out almost every day, we became inseparable. All until Liam came along, she thought he was oh so cool and she wanted to do everything with him. And finally we stopped talking after that. It was like I never existed.

"What is that?" Shane asks, pointing at the letter.

I stare at in for a few more seconds, before I finally see wet stains on it. I reach up to my eye and wipe away the rest of the tears. I didn't even realize I was crying. I hand Shane the letter and swallow. I fight back any more tears that want to escape my eyes and I try my best to breathe steadily. I don't know what to feel right now. Joy? Melancholy? Hurt? This is all too much for me. There is only confusion in my head right now.

I grad the letter again from Shane and the flowers that he was holding onto and start walking, I walk with a certain destination, and come on, everybody knows where I'm going. When I arrive at her locker, a girl stands next to her, they're talking, laughing and stuff. I stand behind her, cross my arms and clear my throat.

She turns around and her eyes grow big, "Hey Karma, I didn't think you wanted to see me today." The girl next to Amy clearly wasn't happy to see me, but hey, vice versa. I raise my eyebrow at the girl until she gets the message and slowly backs away.

"Karma, I can explain, she was-" before she can tell me who that skank was, I hold out the letter to Amy.

"Why?" That's the only word I can say right now.

She looks at the letter and then to the ground, before she can say anything I find other words,

"And don't get me started on the flowers." I hand them to her and she takes them.

"They're a gesture, and I wish you would keep them. I get that you don't want them, but I saw them and had to think of you." She tries to hand them back to me, but I fold my arms again. "As for the letter," she sighs, "I thought about it and I had to write it down. I didn't know what to do with it, so I just gave it to you. I don't really know why, I didn't hope to get any reaction, really. I just wanted to give it to you." She takes a step towards me and I flinch, but don't move back.

I take a deep breath and look in the air. "Amy you can't do that, okay? This isn't what I asked for."

It takes her a second to realize what I mean and her face shifts a bit. "I know, I just-"

"I don't want you to contact me in any form with something other than an explanation." She purses her lips and looks to the ground. "Don't you get it, Amy? I need this explanation, I really need it, I can't be with you, without knowing why you did this. There are so many holes in this story that I can't fill and you're the only one who can. I need the whole story so I can be with you."

She fumbles around with her hands and doesn't meet my eyes. She just nods. She looks so broken right now, but why can't she just give me the reason why she did all of this? I mean she proved me her feelings so often and then there are the letters, there are the lies, everything. It doesn't fit. Then I remember something else.

I pull out the notebook from my bag and hand it to her. "On a completely … wait no, on the same note, what's that?"

Her eyes widen again and she greedily snatches the notebook from me. "Where did you get that?" She flips through it, maybe checking if everything is in there.

"Lauren found it. I read everything in there, I couldn't help it, I had to. But it just confused me even more." I fold my arms again.

She looks up at me, hurt in her eyes. "You weren't supposed to read it. This is my everything." She pauses for a moment, looking at the book. When she looks up again she continues "But I get it. I can't be mad at you for reading this. This whole book is about you, Karma. Everything, I wanted to learn calligraphy, because you once said in middle school it's rad. And well, everything else is kinda self-explanatory." She shuts her locker and puts the book in her bag. She wants to walk away from me, but I grab her arm.

"Why letters, why not face to face? Why did you want to tell me about the letter through another letter? Why couldn't you just tell me?"

She looks at the ground for another moment and then back up at me. "I couldn't bring out the words that would break you." And with that she walks away.


	23. Chapter 23

A few days have passed and I'm still confused about the whole situation. Amy didn't contact me at all, she smiled at me in the hallways and always looked to the ground right before passing me. I don't know why she can't just tell me the reason why she wrote the letter. What's so bad about it, after I know everything we can go back to the start. Maybe. No, definitely. I miss the times from the start.

I wander through the halls during free period. I know Amy is at the tree and reads, I wonder what she's reading. I let my hand trail along the lockers and stop right before she can see me. I shouldn't go there, it wouldn't be fair to her, it would make everything harder and confusing. Though I really want to know what she's reading.

I take a deep breath and peek around the corner. The book seems to consume her, she looks so concentrated, narrowed eyes and she bites her lip, she must really like the book. Then my eyes travel to the book and I frown for a second. Seriously? Charlie And The Chocolate Factory? That's what gets her so concentrated? Why? Just why?

I watch her for a few more moments, trying to figure out what the hell she's doing with this book that gets her so worked up over it, but I eventually turn around and walk in the other direction. I think I'm gonna go to the library and maybe study? Studying seems like a good alternative to thinking about stuff lately, but I don't know if I can concentrate enough.

I walk to the library and settle myself on my usual table. The table where Amy and I sat quite a few times. But I'm not here to think about Amy, I take out my lit notes and Robinson Crusoe, the book we're currently have to read. I go through the notes with the book in hand and write everything important inside the book. Some people don't like taking notes inside the book, but I think it's an amazing way to always see what you thought when you first read it.

I'm actually really productive right now, I didn't think I could do it, but after half an hour I notice another person sitting a few tables away from me. When I glance up I can see Amy. Is she for real? At least now her face looks relaxed and she smiles at the book. Great, now my concentration is ruined, what should I do? I try to get back to work, but it's not working, I catch myself glancing at her from time to time. And I have this constant feeling of being watched.

Why is she here? This isn't her usual spot to spend free period. She shouldn't be here. She should sit under her tree and read, just read. I fucking can't stop glancing at her, seriously. She knows I'm spending my free period here, I always do that, so why is she … oh. Now I get it. It kinda makes sense that she's here, she just wants to be near me. That's somewhat cute, isn't it?

I look up at her again and this time I catch her glancing at me. Her eyes grow wide for a split of a second and she quickly returns to reading her book. Or acting like she's reading the book, I haven't seen nor heard her turning the page, I think she just stares at it. But whatever. I shake my head and smile to myself. Why is she so goddamn cute? Why can't she be the horrible person everyone thinks she is?

I finish putting my notes in my book, right before the bell rings and I gather my stuff to see, Amy is already gone. That was a really weird period. When I exit the library, Shane stands there like he's waiting for something.

"Can I help you?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

He turns to me and smiles. "You can actually. There is this cute guy and he's so into books and stuff. So maybe you could find out if he's gay? Could you do that for me? You're better at talking to people who know stuff." He pleads and pouts at me.

I sigh, turn to the library and look around. There's a guy that could be Shane's type. Broad shoulders, tanned, possibly Latino, yeah that must be him. "That one?" I point at the guy and Shane nods enthusiastically. "Fine, I don't have anything better to do, I'll talk to him after next period."

He starts to jump up and down, then proceeds to hug me, but whatever, maybe one of my friends can find happiness, or people could at least try.

So the next period, Shane keeps texting me that I'm the best and I don't know what, but for some reason this all rushes by like nothing. What keeps bugging me is Amy. She can't stay away from me completely, she proved that plenty of times, but why can't she just open her mouth then? God, I should just talk to her, right? But she should only come when she's ready, I mean I don't want to pressure her. Okay why the fuck should I care about pressuring her? I deserve to know the truth. But on the other hand, I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me, does this make sense?

After all those dreading thoughts and confusing moments during the class, I walk through the halls, searching for Shane's possible new interest. Great, that's how expected my day to go, really. I spot him at a locker, he holds a book in his hand. I look closer and it's The Song Of Ice And Fire. Great I never read anything of the Game Of Thrones series, Amy once tried to show me the show though, I didn't get anything. So What could I talk to him about this book that I never even laid my eyes on? I take a deep breath and walk up to him.

I tap him on the shoulder and he turns to me. "Hey, sorry, I'm K-"

"Karma Ashcroft," he interrupts me and closes his book. "Everyone knows who you are."

Oh right, I was supposed to be popular. That reminds me that I probably should stop skipping practice. Where was I? "Oh yeah, sorry." Can I just say that I sound stupid?

"So how can I help you?" He looks at me expectant and for a second I forgot what I wanted to say. I can definitely see why Shane found and interest in him. The perfect jaw line, the big brown eyes, perfect brows, I mean wow.

I quickly shake away my thoughts and point at his book. "I saw you reading this, and I was wondering, because everybody speaks so highly of this series, I just had to ask what is so good about them?"

I looks at his book, then smiles and then looks back up at me. "Well for me it's the different point of views and the fact that Martin writes his books with his fans. You know, even he is too confused of who still lives and who is who pretty much. I think it's rather funny and I like medieval literature." He pauses for a second and starts grinning. "And dragons, the dragons are the best part."

A laugh escapes my mouth, what a dork. It would be funny if Shane and him end up together. Oh, by the way, I clear my throat. "Hey, what's your name by the way? I didn't catch that at the beginning."

Suddenly, chills run down my body, you know, those chills you get when someone stares at you.

"That's because you didn't ask me. I'm Francis." He stretches out his hand in my direction and I take it.

I take a quick glance around me to look where the feeling is coming from and I quickly know it. Amy stands there leaning against a wall, watching me with a tilted head.

"Nice to meet you Francis. And thanks for telling me what you like about the books, really. Though I don't think they're for me." I smile at him.

What does she think I'm doing, does it look like I'm flirting with this guy? She looks jealous, but why? I'm not doing anything.

"What a pity, really. I could've lent you mine." He winks at me and I repress the urge to cringe. I'm here to be nice, I have to remember that.

"I gotta go to class, thanks again." I turn around and walk away, luckily he doesn't say anything anymore. I guess this was a one time encounter.

During the next class Shane begs me to tell him how it went.

"He's not your type, sorry Shane" I wink at him.

He just frowns and shoves me. "What do you mean he's not my type?"

"He's smart." I state while writing down what the teacher said.

Shane sits back in his seat and takes a while to think about my words. "I guess you're right." He purses his lips and plays with his pen. "What a pity."

This day was absolutely crazy, like nothing really happened, but also just a lot in a short amount of time.

When I exit the school to walk to the bus stop, I see Amy walking towards a truck. What the heck? She doesn't drive a truck, she would never, that's not her style. I try to see who sits in the truck, but I can't identify the person. Maybe I don't know him, or her. Who knows.

Right before she gets to the truck, the person inside gets out. Oh you have to be fucking kidding me. I would recognize that brown and purple hair everywhere. So now we really ended up like all her previous relationships? With her getting back with Reagan?

Reagan goes in for the hug and she sees me, she actually sees me standing there. She eyes me while embracing my girlfriend, _my _girlfriend. She smirks at me. She has the nerve to smirk at me. This is too much, this is it. Tomorrow I'm gonna talk to her, I'm gonna ask her if she can finally com clear about everything or if she just went back to Reagan.

She gets into the truck and they roll off. Just like that. She can't be serious, right? This is not how things are supposed to happen, everybody said that it would be different with me, that she wouldn't go back to her, because she _loves_ me. Yes, I can clearly see that she does.

I think that was the longest fucking bus ride in the history of bus rides and I'm fucking pissed at fucking everything. How could she? How dare she goes off with her? She can't talk to me, but apparently with her ex girlfriend? Who knows if it's still her ex.

I kick a can along the street on my way home and my eyes follow it roll down the street. It's stopped by a food, a food in boots and when I look up I see Chelsea. She half-smiles at me and there is concern written all over her face. I stop in my tracks and look at her.

"Hey?" I didn't want it to come out like a question, but I really didn't expect to see her here. Or I didn't expect that she knew where I live. Wait a minute. "How do you know where I live?"

She just shrugs and walks towards me. "A year ago or something, Amy and I went on a road trip and she said she wanted to show me your house, so she did." She stops right in front of me and pulls me in for a hug. "Hey." she simply states.

I hug her back quickly and back away again. "So, why are you here?"

She breathes out a soft laughter. "Isn't that obvious?"

I start walking up the driveway. "I don't know, is it?" I beckon her to follow me and she does.

"I'm here because of Amy." she says as she enters my house. Or my parent's house, but I like to say my house.

I walk up the stairs and once we're in my room I close the door. "Yeah, I figured, but why are you here? What about her?" I motion her to sit down on my bed and so she does. I sit down on my chair.

"I thought you could tell me what's wrong with her, she didn't leave the house ever since my party. I'm worried about her."

I snort and shake my head. "Oh great, so she sent you here to talk me into pitying her? That won't happen."

Chelsea frowns at me. "Are you two fighting? Seriously, what's going on? Nothing makes sense with her these days." She pauses and looks at her hands. "I've never seen her that depressed."

I roll my eyes and cross my arms. "Well she didn't look exactly depressed when I saw her with that Reagan girl earlier."

Now she looks up at me and purses her lips. "That was my idea to be honest. She needed to go outside and Reagan always made that happen. She can't say no to her. I'm sorry."

Oh yeah, that's a really great thought and makes me feel so much better. "So Amy didn't send you here, and she didn't talk to you about anything?"

She shakes her head. "Amy is a very private person, she rarely talks about feelings. The only one she talked about was you, that's how I know you're different. She loves you, you know? She really does, she always has I guess. But with everything else, she just kept quiet about everything."

Maybe she just doesn't want to get hurt. I remember the change when her father left, she was devastated, and she hasn't been the same ever since.

"So do you mind me telling what happened, because she won't talk to me. And maybe I can help you getting the old Amy back."

So I tell her. I tell her about the letters, how she offered me to help me and how it was her all along. "And I told her that I need to know why she did it, or else I can't trust her. But she doesn't. She just shuts down, gets all quiet and that's it."

Chelsea runs her hand through her curls and suddenly starts smirking. "I might have an idea how you can provoke her. Because when she's angry and hurt, she blurts out her emotions easily. So maybe this will work."

I raise an eyebrow at her again and tilt my head slightly. "Everything I have to do for that is legal, right?"

She chuckles and nods. "Sure, of course. But if I help you, you owe me, okay?"

That sounds like something. Chelsea seems like a nice girl, but on the other hand she is also someone intriguing. I take a deep breath. "Fine, I'll do what you say. Everything to get my Amy back."

She starts to grin a very toothy and mischievous grin. "Are you ready to take a risk?"

I swallow hard, let's see if this is a good idea.


	24. Chapter 24

"Are you sure that it will work?" I walk towards my house after school with Chelsea on the phone. Her plan seems absolutely bonkers to me, but who knows.

"It will work, could you please stop worrying and start concentrating? Look, it's easy, Amy is impulsive and apparently jealous when it comes to you." I told her about the weird encounter yesterday where she looked at me with this anger when I talked to Francis.

"Yeah, apparently." I pause. "Have you talked to that girl?"

Chelsea snorts, but recovers quickly. "Yes of course, I should tell people if I send them on a date, right?"

"You're kinda right, but does she also know that this all isn't real?" There is a pause after my sentence. Quite a long pause. "Chelsea, you did tell her, right?"

"Well, kinda. But no, not really. She isn't the person who would go through with it if she knew it wasn't real." She sounds unsure of her plan herself, how can I believe that this will work? "Trust me, okay? Everything will turn out all right. I will be there with you."

I sigh. It's Friday, so it's reasonable to go out. "Are you sure you'll get her outside?"

"She promised. If she bails on me tonight I will drag her to that bar and I don't care how I'll do that, besides she loves drinking when she's depressed."

"Yeah, you're right. Okay fine, I'm gonna hang up now, call me when you're here."

"I'm always right, Karma. Remember that, now go get ready and make yourself more beautiful than ever. If that's even possible," she mumbled the last part but I could still hear her. I hate when people say something like that, what am I supposed to say now? I'll just ignore her dumb comment.

"Good then I'm gonna get ready, might take me a while. See you tonight." And I hang up.

God I don't know if this was such a good idea, seriously. Going out with a senior from Dallas who Chelsea knows because of her sister. Just so it's someone Amy doesn't really know. God she will kill me, I bet she will kill me. I should tell Chelsea I'm out. But what if it really works out? What if it provokes her enough to finally tell me what's up with her? I take a deep breath opening my closet. I guess I'm willing to take a risk then.

It's around 7pm when Chelsea rings my phone to come outside, Annie is ready to meet me. Annie, reminds me of the musical Annie with the orphan and everything. Oh whatever, I'm not even trying hard enough to be judgmental about a person I don't even know. I grab my purse and leave the house.

The moment I step outside I see two cars in the driveway, Chelsea's blue Volkswagen and a muddy black truck. Chelsea sees me and waves at me, the girl she's talking to turns around, stopping me in my tracks. She's wearing denim hot pants, a blue white and red plaid shirt, luckily not as a belly tee, and, what a surprise, cowboy boots. "Right, I live in Texas," I mumble to myself so they can't hear me. The only thing that would make this whole thing perfect would be if she was wearing a cowboy hat over her … gorgeous, lovely, brown, wavy hair, with those cute highlights.

I shake off that thought and start walking towards them. When I get closer, I see freckles all over her rosy cheeks and she's barely wearing make up. And the closer I get I see more and more how beautiful this girl is, she's stunning, really.

She spreads her hand in my direction. "Hey, I'm Annie, so nice to meet you." Aaaand everything is ruined by this fucking southern accent.

I straighten myself and smile at her. "Karma, the pleasure is all mine." I look over at Chelsea who beams. I grab her arm and pull her a few feet away from Annie. "You're kidding me, right? A fucking country girl? To make Amy jealous?"

"Hello Karma, how you doin?" Sarcasm is dripping from her mouth. She turns to Annie and back to me. "Have you looked at her? Even I would hit that and I'm really not into tacos."

I roll my eyes but I can't suppress a smile. "Yeah fine, she's seriously good looking." Chelsea starts to walk back and I follow. "So let's go then?"

She smiles and nods, she opens the passenger seat for me, she has to use a little force, but whatever, and helps me in. She seems really nice, maybe this date will be actually okay. Chelsea winks at me while Annie gets in the car herself.

"See you girls, I wish you a fun time." She waves at us, we wave back and drive off. So here goes the date with a stranger.

The drive to this weird college bar was alright, we talked a lot about superficial stuff, like where we go to school, what subjects we like and what we like to do in our spare time. She grew up on a farm and she knows she's a cliché, but she doesn't care. And I don't care either, because the clothes suit her somehow.

We walk into the bar and we're greeted by the smell of beer and sweat, yeah that's exactly how I like it. And it's loud in here. I look around for a while, before she takes my hand and leads me to the bar. There are no pictures on the wall, why would there be? Just a TV over the bar that shows some football game. The look is very wooden, but there is a dance floor. It's still too early to dance, so it's empty so far.

"What do you wanna drink?" Annie turns to me with a smile on her face.

"Oh whatever you have if fine with me, really." I take another look around. There aren't many people yet, but I mean hey, it's 8pm, other people won't be here before 9 or even 10.

She orders two beers and we sit down in a booth in the far back of the bar. I make sure to sit in the direction of the door so I see when they come it. I'm really not in the mood for beer though, I mean I don't mind it, but I'd rather have something else. Whatever.

"So where do you know Chelsea from?" Annie rips me from my train of thoughts.

"Oh, her best friend is my lab partner." I say, sipping on my beer.

"You sure beer is fine with you?" She looks a bit concerned, I have a feeling she really hopes that this date turns out into something more.

"Yeah, of course I'm fine, beer is always fine." Just not now in this situation and I really don't want to drink it, but to prove to her that I mean what I say I take another sip, smiling. "But if I may return the question, where do you know her from?" Chelsea told me already, but I could fake some sort of interest, right?

After an hour of talking I realize that I actually have fun with her, we talk a lot about cheerleading, she is in a squad herself which is kinda amazing, because I never get to talk about it to Amy. She always changes the subject when I try to tell her about it, or she tells me that it doesn't make sense that I'm a cheerleader. "You're one of the smart girls," she always say, but what does that even mean? Annie is clearly smart and she's a cheerleader.

Then I see two people enter the bar, and when I look in their direction I see it's Amy and Chelsea. I quickly look away, so they don't see me seeing them and I immediately feel bad. I have a great time with Annie and now I'm reminded of the fact that I'm only here to piss off Amy. Maybe I can still have a good time with her. In the corner of my eye I see them walking to the bar and I try hard to concentrate on Annie's words and not looking at Amy.

"So you think your squad is gonna make it to the nationals this year?" she empties her second beer.

"Our power squad? No, I don't think so, we suck pretty hard." I purse my lips and play around with my almost empty bottle.

"Oh don't be such a downer, I bet y'all are amazing, you said you're the captain, that must say something." She playfully punches my shoulder and I can't help but smile at her. "You want another round? It's on me this time." I nod and she gets up and goes to the bar.

My eyes follow her and I see that Amy sees her, too. She checks Annie out while talking to Chelsea. When Annie returns, this time with a whole pitcher of beer, Amy sees me. Luckily I turned just in time so she doesn't know that I know she's here, but I'm sure she saw me. God I wish I could see her face.

"Hey, I didn't know Chelsea was here, too tonight." She says sitting down again. She looks over at them and I hesitate, but follow her lead eventually. Chelsea waves at us and winks at me, I have a feeling she likes to wink. Amy just sits there staring at her glass, she was a bit more cheerful a second ago, so now I'm absolutely certain that she saw me. "Who's that girl she's with?"

I turn to Annie again and shrug, "My lab partner, aka Chelsea's best friend."

She pours me beer into my glass that she also brought to the table, and we continue to compare our power squads. Did I say that I feel great talking about it again? I mean seriously, it feels so good to talk about something I always liked to do.

After what feels like forever, because I have like the best time of my life, I see that Chelsea is going to the bathroom. I excuse myself and quickly follow her without looking at Amy. She waits for me in the door frame.

"I knew you would follow me. Didn't I tell you that this plan was genius?" She has a bright grin on her face and lifts her hand for a high five.

I dismiss her hand and pull her into the room. "So is it working? What's going on over there with you two? I mean I haven't looked at her once."

I didn't know her grin could grow even more, but I was wrong. "You haven't but she sure has. She looks at you like every two seconds and when she does she always clings to her glass real hard and tries to calm herself."

Okay, that definitely sounds like a jealous Amy. "Did she say anything?"

She looks in the air as if she was thinking, which she clearly isn't. "When she first saw you, she asked me what you were doing here, of course I said that I don't know. After that she asked me if I knew the girl, I told her she's some cheerleader from a different school. And after that she barely talked."

"Which is a good thing, right?" I'm still very anxious about this whole plan, it could still all go wrong.

"A very good thing. Trust me, Amy saw how hot Annie is and she clearly sees the interest towards you, everybody can see that. If you'd go one step further, she'll break I can see it." One step further? Well let's see if Chelsea is right.

"Well then I'm gonna go back to my date." This time it's me who winks at her and I leave the bathroom. I never left someone standing, it feels weird … No wait, I left Amy standing. Oh how amazing that I forgot that.

I sit back down in my booth and Annie looks over at Amy, she puts her hand on my arm.

"That girl gives me the creeps, she stared at me the whole time you were in the bathroom, I have no clue what's wrong with her." When I look over Amy is hunched over her drink.

"Don't worry about her," I shrug and turn back to Annie again, "maybe she has a bad day or something." I look around the room, the dance floor is still pretty empty, but the music is actually pretty good. "Do you feel like dancing?" I smirk at her.

She looks over to the dance floor and back to me, a smile spreads across her face. "Always."

I grab her hand and pull her on the dance floor, I don't know the song that's playing in the background but it's good and you can move to it, Annie actually knows it and starts to sing along. We start moving to the music and she looks even better dancing that when she stands, seriously, she's so pretty. We're both aware of the people looking at us, the bar has filled with people over the time we've been there and now all the guys look at us. I decide to move closer to her and she does the same. It's not long before we dance really close together, looking each other in the eye. She has light brown eyes, almost golden and wow, they're mesmerizing.

I can't help it, but I put one hand on my hip and one hand on her shoulder. She slowly leans in, we're still moving to the music, I'm about to close my eyes when someone pulls me back by my arm.

"You're coming with me, now." Amy growls and pulls me with her.

"Be right back," I manage to say and leave a completely bedazzled Annie behind. That was fast, this whole situation was way too fast, what just happened?

"What the fuck?!" We're outside now and Amy just yells at me. "What the fuck were you doing in there?!"

I'm still trying to recover from this situation and all I can bring out is a confused "what?".

Amy runs her hand through her hair and shakes her head. "You have to be kidding me, right? You know that I was there, you saw me. Don't play with me, Karma. What the fuck were you doing?"

Slowly my heartbeat calms down from the shock of being pulled away all of a sudden. "I was having fun, until you pulled me away."

She rolls her eyes and looks at me, I don't think I've ever seen her that mad. "Friendly reminder: We're still dating!"

I frown and raise my voice to match hers. "Says the one who ran off yesterday with her ex girlfriend!"

Her eyes grow wide and her face softens. "You saw that?"

"Well I'm not blind, if you want to hide something like that, that don't meet up in the god forsaken parking lot!" She's calmer now, but I'm not, I'm getting more and more in rage, I can't take all of this anymore.

"It's not like I did something wrong." she looks to the ground, she can't even meet my eye when she says that.

"I've had enough Amy, I simply had enough! You run off with your ex and you didn't do anything wrong?!"

"It's not like anything happened!" She raises her voice again, this time in defense. Then there is a quick change in her mood. "Wait, I'm not the one to blame, you almost cheated on me in there!" She points at the bar.

"Well I had to do something to get your attention." I don't know if this conversation is going in the right direction to be honest, but at least we both can speak our minds like that.

"You always have my attention! No one else but you has my fucking attention! When will you finally get that?!" First anger, then defense and now frustration, Amy goes through emotions like other people change their underwear. But I think now I have her at the point where I want her.

"When you tell me the truth. When you finally tell me why the freaking hell you wrote that letter in the first place." My voice is calm again.

Her eyes are glued to the ground like always when I say something about this subject, it's like she's trained to look at the ground when someone says letter. "I can't."

"Of course you can, just open your mouth and tell me."

"It's not that easy!"

"Yes it it! It always is! You just make it so hard for yourself!" We basically just stand there screaming at each other.

"Just stop okay?! It's not fucking easy!"

"Why shouldn't it be?! I always told you the truth, I always open up to you!"

"Yes, because for you everything is easy!"

"Oh come on, just open your fucking mouth and say it!"

"Stop!"

"Just say it!"

"No, seriously Karma, I can't!"

"Why can't you?!"

"Because I'm fucking insecure okay?!" It's silent for a second before she continues in a slightly calmer tone. "I'm so insecure when it comes to you it scares me! I never opened up to anybody! Every girl I've been with was with me because I have the reputation to be the bad girl, but you saw me in a different light. They wanted to be with me because I'm tough, but look at me now! Look at me and tell me that I'm such a fucking tough person, running away from the only one I had ever true feelings for! You mean the world to me, you're the only one who can break me and I'm so fucking scared of giving you exactly this power." She falls down on her knees and covers her face with her hands. "You're the only person in this world that matters, the only person who's worth living, you're my sunlight and I couldn't survive if you leave me."

I sit down right before her and take her hands away from her face. "Look at me," I say as gently as possible. She lifts her head slightly. "Why would I ever want to leave you?"

She pulls her hands away and shakes her head, looking back at the ground. "The letters." she simply states. "The reason why I wrote it is so fucking stupid and I still can't believe that I actually did it. I'm such a fucking coward." She gets up from the ground and raises her voice again. "I'm so fucking stupid, you know that?! You should just leave me, because I'm not worth your time! I'm a fucking stupid, scared idiot who thinks she can keep up with you!" She clenches her hands into fists, pacing up and down the street. "You want to know the reason why I wrote the letter?!" I get up from the ground and open my mouth, but before I can speak she continues, "I wrote the letter because I'm stupid. Simple as that, because I'm a fucking idiot, I knew that I wasn't worth your time!"

She turns around to walk away. "Amy," I say, as softly as I can, and she turns around again, walks up to me and hands me a piece of paper.

"You want to know why I wrote it? Here, that's the reason why. I carry this around since you know it was me. That's it, that's all I have. This simple thing." And with that she turns around and walks away, just like that.

I know it has no sense to go after her, but she won't get far, Chelsea is the driver, she'll probably just wait at the car. I should go inside again, I don't know if I'm gonna read the note she gave me, I don't know if I wanna know. She says it's a stupid reason, but who knows, really. I look after her until I can't see her anymore in the dark. Well that was some kind of mental breakdown, I've never seen someone going through so many emotions in such a short time.

I go inside again and I'm greeted by Annie and Chelsea. "Look Annie, I'm-"

"It's okay, Chels told me everything. I'm really sorry about your situation, are you guys okay again?"

Both girls look at me expectant and I quickly look at the letter in my hand and hope both of them didn't see it. "Not yet, but we're getting there. We're definitely getting there."


	25. Chapter 25

I pace up and down my room with Amy's not in my hand. I don't know if I should read it or just leave it. After she freaked out like that last night I'm not sure if reading this is a good idea, on the other side I really want to know what she had to say.

It's 2 in the afternoon and this is basically all I did for today. I ignored my phone, ignored my parents, ignored everything. I just walk up and down my room, debating whether I should read it or not.

I should. I open the note and start reading.

_Hey Knockout,  
>I hope you're having a good day. You must be wondering why I did all the things I did, right? Well here goes nothing.<em>

I fold the letter up again. I can't read it. I just can't, why can't I read it? It shouldn't be so hard, it should be easy, just fold it open and read it. No, I need to hear it from her, not read it from her. But she won't talk to me, why won't she talk to me? She gives me this stupid fucking note and doesn't talk to me, this is crazy, right? I'm not the only one who thinks this is crazy, right?

I stop walking and stare at the note. I need fresh air, and this is definitely not the first time I thought that in connection to Amy. This girl drives me crazy and I'm not sure if it's in a good sense.

I grab my keys and tun outside, I walk through the neighborhood without a certain destination, taking deep breaths with every step. I'm moving very slowly, but I don't have a rush to be anywhere. This is so weird. This whole thing is so weird and I don't know why the hell is going on.

I start to breath normal and walk a bit faster, so I have a normal pace. I keep my eyes on the ground and the note clutched in my hand. I try to concentrate on the air that surrounds me, the soft wind hitting my face, the air that fills my lunges, and the sound the trees make when the wind goes through their branches. Nature is beautiful.

I look up and find myself in the park, why did I walk here? I never go here. I keep walking until I see someone sitting on a bench, the person has her elbows on her knees and leans on her hands, she looks down to the ground, her eyes fixed there, her blonde hair falling down the side of her face. I look in the distance and see a dog running around in the grass. Amy.

I walk up to her and sit down next to her, she doesn't care I'm there, she doesn't know it's me, I guess. I don't even know why I sit down next to her, I have nothing to say to her. Or do I? I look at her, then I search for Chiron through the trees. When I finally see him, he's running towards us and before I know it, he attacks me with his tongue. I can't help but giggle and try to push him away. I ruffle through his fur and smile at him.

When I look at Amy I meet her gaze. Her eyes are wide, her body is now slightly leaning away from me and one eyebrow is raised. "Karma?"

I keep my hands on Chiron, still trying to keep him down from the bench so my face doesn't get wetter than it already is. "Yes, Amy?"

She shakes her head slightly as if I was a hallucination and keeps looking at me. "What are you doing here?"

I chuckle a bit. "This is a public place Amy, I'm allowed to be here." I wink at her with a small smile.

She looks at Chiron then back at me, she still looks confused. "Okay wait, so you're not here because you want to talk to me?"

I frown at her playfully. "The whole world doesn't revolve around you Mrs Raudenfeld. I didn't came here with the purpose of finding you. There is something called coincidence."

Amy relaxes and sits straight again. She looks at her hands and purses her lips.

"You wanted me to search for you, didn't you? Because you want to know what I think about the note." Without looking at me she nods. "Well what a shame that I didn't read it."

Her head snaps up in my direction. "You didn't?"

Suddenly there's an idea in my head. This might be something how we both are satisfied with the situation. I turn to her and hold out the note in her direction. "I want you to read it to me."

She looks back down again and shakes her head. "I can't, don't you get it? The words from my hand sound so much better than when they come from my mouth."

I shrug and shove the piece of paper into her hand. "Those are the words you wrote, now read them to me and we both get what we want. I want to hear it from your mouth and you can say the words that you wrote."

She looks at the note for a moment and then she looks at me. "Maybe it will work." She say, a small smile on her lips. She unfolds the note and looks at me for reassurance, when I nod at her, she begins reading.

"_Hey Knockout,  
>I hope you're having a good day. You must be wondering why I did all the things I did, right? Well here goes nothing. It all started the day we met, I told you about it in another letter. I hope you remember it. Back then I started to write you little notes, but I never gave them to you. I continued this until now, I still have box filled with notes that are meant for you, but I never sent them." <em>She looks up at me and I just nod again so she continues. _"But one day I decided I wanted to send you a letter, I really wanted to write you a letter that shows what you mean to me, but when I was writing it, Liam caught me. He asked me what I was doing and instead of telling him the truth, I told him I wanted to troll you. _

"_He immediately wanted to be a part of the whole scheme and finally, I agreed. So we wrote the letter together, or rather I wrote the letter and he made his changes. We practiced to have the same handwriting when we're writing cursive so I could help him with his studies. I was always better than him in writing, but yeah, that's why we have almost the same handwriting.  
>"Now to the important part: Why didn't I tell you. I saw my opportunity to talk to you in detention when you read the second letter. I was shocked that the letter threw you off so that you'd end up in detention. I'm sincerely sorry for that. I had the chance to ask you if you liked the letters and when you said you wanted to find out who wrote them, I guess I just wanted to show you, but I got too scared. <em>

"_I actually planned to tell you when we were at your place, but I couldn't. I knew that if I did tell you, then we'd never have a chance for a fairy tail ending." _

I couldn't help it, a snort escaped my mouth.

"I'm sorry?" she asks, clearly discouraged by my reaction.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it, I had to think of all the fairy tales that don't have a happy ending. In the original the little Mermaid doesn't fulfill her quest and the witch turns her into sea foam. A lot of Anderson fairy tales don't end on that happy note. And other fairy tales just have cruel features, like Snow White and Cinderella." Amy just looks at me confused. "I'm sorry we're getting off topic, please continue."

She clears her throat. _"I knew that you would be so angry at me that you'd never speak to me again, so I just went with it. I also planned on stopping the letters, and after we were official I really stopped. I thought that maybe you'd forget about the letters and we could be happy, but there way Liam in the way. Liam threatened me to tell you if I don't leave you. He dislikes you so much and is such a jealous nature, so when I spent more time with you, I obviously didn't spend time with him and he wasn't okay with that. _

"_Then he wrote you that letter and I freaked out completely. At the party he told me that I had a week to confess to you, or he'd tell you, that's why my behavior changed so rapidly. Now I really don't want anything to do with him anymore and I really hope you get now why I wrote the letters._

"_Basically the reason is very easy: Because I love you. I know you don't want to hear it that early, but it's not early for me. I loved you since the day we met." _She looks up from the letter and meets my eyes.

"That's it?" I ask and she nods. Then she shakes her head and scoots closer to me, she turns in my direction and takes my hand.

"No, it's not. It's never enough. I love you Karma, I really do. And I really hope you'll give me another chance, because I want to be with you and I know you want to be with me, too. I'm just such a fucking coward that I didn't tell you earlier, that I didn't say all those things I wrote in the letters to your face in the first place. I didn't know what to do and it seemed so easy at first, you know?" She reaches up her hand to cup my cheek and to my own surprise, I let her.

"Do you mean what you said?" I ask, looking at our joined hands.

"Every single word." I can feel her looking me in the eyes and I try hard not to look at her.

"Why?" The question escapes my mouth before I can think and I feel like slapping myself.

"Why what?" She withdraws her hand from my cheek and puts it on my other hand.

"Why would you love me? Why would anyone love me?" I take a deep breath. "What's so lovable about me?"

She breathes out a laughter, puts her index finger under my chin to lift my head. I finally look at her. "Your eyes, they are the perfect hazel and they show that you're so much more than you show the world. The way you roll them when you're annoyed or someone said something stupid. I love your mind, you're the smartest person I know, you've read so many books, it's unbelievable and you have the best taste in books and also in movies. Your voice is the most soothing sound I've ever heard, doesn't matter if you speak or sing, If you'd read me the telephone book, I'd still be captured by you and I would listen to the whole thing only to hear your voice.

"Then your smile, from the small shy smile you sometimes wear, to the teasing, seductive one. Also the smile when you're happy, I think that's my favorite smile. Or the smirk when you win an argument, what you always do. I even love you when you annoy me, when you try to get on my nerves I'd never push you away, because even then I want to be with you. I love the look on your face when you daydream and how your eyes lighten up when you talk about something you love." She pauses for a moment, "how your eyes lighten up when you see me.

"I love that you take care of me when I can't, how you make me feel safe, you make me feel normal, you care so much about what I do, you make me feel important. I love how you lie to make me feel better and it's incredible cute how you slur your words when you're drunk."

I had to put an end to her rambling and I pull her in, crashing her lips into mine so she would stop talking. She immediately kisses me back and pulls me even closer by my waist. She smiles into the kiss and I can't help but smile, too. I missed this. I missed us. I trail my tongue across her bottom lip and I meet her tongue a split second after. It's like our mouths missed each other, our lips crave for contact and I can't get enough of her.

When I pull away she lingers for a second, her eyes still closed. "I love the taste of your lips and how they feel against mine."

I capture her lips again. "I got it, Amy." I mumble in between kisses. "Please stop now. Just stop." She nods and I pull away again. I cup her cheek and lean my forehead against hers. "You idiot."

She smiles bright and grips my waist tightly. "Does this mean you forgive me? Is everything okay again?"

I sit up straight, putting my hand that was on her cheek on her thigh and smile. "I think so, yeah. I mean all I wanted was a reason that I can understand and I understand." And I want to help her. I want to help her get confidence, I want to help her be happy. I just need to see her happy and if I can do this, then I will. "But please, never ramble again about what you love about me, okay?"

She smiles and nods. "Okay, I will. But I can't promise anything, maybe it'll overcome me." She winks at me and gets up. "I need to get this buddy home, do you wanna come with me?"

I nod and when I get up, she hands me Chiron's leash. "He missed you, you know?"

I ruffle through his fur again. "I missed this guy, too." Then I take Amy's hand in mine. "Almost as much as I missed you."

We walk to her house, catching up on the things we've missed in each others lives, but we came to the conclusion that we didn't much. She asked me how it was possible that Chelsea and I were in contact and I asked her what she did with Reagan. We chatted about school and friends, how she didn't talk to Liam anymore and that Lauren and Shane really tried to help me.

When we arrive at her house, we went directly to her room and she lies down on her bed. "How about some Netflix?" She asks, patting the space next to her on the bed.

I join her. "Yeah, sounds amazing. But no cheesy romcom please. How about we watch this documentary you wanted to show me?"

A grin spreads on her face in disbelief. "You're serious? You want to watch the documentary with me?"

I simply nod and Amy excitedly puts on the documentary about old Greece. I snuggle up to her and she puts her arm around me, we immediately lie comfortably tangled up in each other and I sigh contently. She kisses the top of my head and draws small patterns on the exposed skin of my waist.

Halfway into the documentary, I turn my head slightly. "Amy?"

"Hm?" she moves her hand over mine and intertwines our fingers.

"I think I love you, too."

* * *

><p>AN: Happy new year guys, I hope you enjoy starting the new year with happy Karmy :)


	26. Chapter 26

I feel arms tighten around me and slowly open my eyes. When I remember that I'm in Amy's room I instantly smile. Wow I forgot how amazing it feels to fall asleep as the little spoon, especially if the big spoon is Amy. I smile even more and turn around in her arms and bury my face in the crook of her neck. I really missed this, just this. Lying here with her while she's sleeping and I can feel her breathing. I let out a content sigh.

"Good morning knockout," she whispers, pulling me even closer.

I wrap my arms around her and brush my nose over the skin of her neck. "I didn't know you were awake." My voice comes out as a whisper, too.

She kisses the top of my head and lets out a deep breath. "I wasn't, but now I am."

I instantly feel a rush of guilt. "I woke you up?" I move away from her, but she pulls me close again. I saw that her eyes are closed and that her lips are curled in a smile.

"You didn't do anything. Just relax and come here." With that one of her hands wanders to my neck and pulls me away from hers. In the next second her lips brush over mine.

She's still sleepy so the kiss is soft and uncoordinated and I can't help but to smile. God this girl is the sweetest.

"Amy, Farrah wants you to- Karma?!"

Amy and I jump up, suddenly fully awake and we stare at Lauren in the door frame. She blinks at us and we blink back, it takes us a while until someone speaks.

"Karma, my bedroom, now." Lauren points to her bedroom and I groan, but oblige. Or at least I try to, because Amy gets hold of my hand and holds it tight.

I look at Amy who just raises an eyebrow and looks over to Lauren. "Whatever you have to say to her you can talk about it here, I don't mind." She strokes her thumb over the back of my hand.

Lauren looks from Amy to me, crosses her arms and smirks. "Fine, if that's what you want." I fully sit down on the bed again and swallow hard. I have no good feeling about that. "So Karma, how come you forgave the piece of trash next to you even though you said that won't happen that fast?"

I swallow hard and look over to Amy who looks at Lauren, a bit confused. "Eh … I ..." I start to stutter, "you know, I … I don't know." I squeeze her hand. "I guess I just missed her, that's pretty much all. Seriously, she explained everything to me, so I'm satisfied." I shrug.

Lauren stares at me for a moment, then she walks out. When the door is almost closed she shouts "breakfast in half an hour! After that I want a real explanation!"

I sigh and start to get out of bed, Amy turns on her stomach trying to reach for my hand again. She groans when she fails. "What are you doing? She said half an hour. I want you back in here with me."

I can't help but giggle and she glares at me. "Relax Raudenfeld, I'm only taking a shower. I'll be right back." I wink at her. I can see the glimpse of thought in her eyes, considering to join me, but my mouth is faster than her thought. "And no, you may not join me, you little horndog."

She frowns at me and groans again. "What? Horndog? I didn't make one move since we got back together-"

"That was last night, wow that must be a new record." She hates it when I interrupt her, but oh man how I love teasing her. I wink again and close the bathroom door.

I strip off the sweats Amy gave me, I also took some of her clothes while I was in her room, so I can wear fresh clothes today. I lock both doors so none of the two girls can come inside and annoy me. I step into the shower and turn the water on. It runs down my spine, cold and fresh, It wakes me more and more by the second, cold showers in the morning are just the best thing ever.

So I'm with Amy again, and I told her I loved her last night. I mean I knew that I do love her, but I never thought I would just say it. It's way too early in the relationship. Or well, she's pretty far, she loved me for so long. It's still pretty hard to believe that someone looks at you that way, listening to every word you say just to hear your voice and so that you talk about the things you love. How could I miss that she is such a good person? That Liam is the only villain in this whole scenario?

I get out of the shower again, dry myself and get into Amy's clothes. I like wearing her clothes, not only because she thinks I look adorable in them, which is a bonus, but also because they smell of her. And I love her scent, I really do.

I walk into her room and there she sits, on top of her sheets with a book in her hand. She doesn't look up when I walk towards her. But I feel like attention right now. Seeing her lying there, her eyes not on me makes my stomach turn. It's not jealousy, I don't really know what it is, but I want her full attention 24/7.

I crawl onto the bed, and let myself fall right on her legs. Nope, that's uncomfortable, so I spread her legs softly and lie in between, my head on her stomach. She runs one hand through my hair while she still reads. I feel like Chiron right now.

"Mmh, you smell good, darling." she says and when I look up at her I can see her smile.

"It's called taking a shower, you should try it once in a while." I say, my tone dry, but of course she knows I'm only joking.

She chuckles softly and keeps caressing my hair. "Yeah well I should, but right now you're lying on top of me so I can't move." Touche. What is she reading anyway? I look up again and see that she's reading The Shock of the Fall, it's the book she gave to me. I loved reading it.

"Read it to me," I whisper.

"What?" she looks at me a bit confused.

I just repeat my sentence "Read it to me," but then I add "I want to listen to you read."

She looks back at the book. "But I'm in the middle of the book."

"So?" I say, "I already read the book, I don't care where you start reading. Just please read it to me."

"Eh, okay." She takes a deep breath. "_I didn't have my armchair yet. The main room seemed bigger without it, and he looked small, crouched on the carpet in the dusty light beneath the window._"

I love listening to her voice, and now I know I love listening to her read. Without thinking I start running my hands up and down her legs with my eyes closed. I scratch once and her voice hitches. But she's still reading.

"_We didn't talk straight away. The only noise was the faraway sound of traffic, drifting through the window. You can hear it all the time, but only notice it when there is a silence that needs filling._"

I get an idea and I wonder what she will do about it. I tug at her sweats and pull them down slowly, smirking to myself when I see that she's not wearing any underwear.

"W-what are you doing?" Her eyes are fixed on me and what I'm doing.

"Me? Nothing. Just keep reading and don't stop. Whatever I do, don't stop." I pull her pants even further down.

She frowns at me, but turns to her book again. "_They sent different people round, that was the problem. Each morning it could be a new carer getting her up. Nobody knew Mrs Greening properly, or the way things had to be done._"

I watch her closely when I put my hand on her upper thigh, real close to her vagina.

"_'It was her hair,' he said. I've replayed the conver_- what the?" She looks down at me again, raises an eyebrow and is about to put the book away.

"I told you to keep reading, please don't stop reading." I trail my fingers closer to her center and she swallows hard, but she obliges.

"_I've replayed the conversation in my head so many times. I imagine myself saying different things, then what he would say differently._"

I keep watching her while I put my thumb right next to her clit and draw circles around it.

"_I move the memory around the- holy -flat like it's-it's a piece of f-furniture._" She pauses when I move my head down, she closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and opens them again. "_or a picture frame that I can't decide where to hang_."

I move my tongue over her clit only once and she squirms beneath me. I keep her hips down with my hands and keep watching her, her eyes fixed on the book, licking her lips and never fully closing her mouth.

"_'What are those things, like little girls have?' 'What?' 'In their hair._'" She pauses again while my mouth explores her and a small moan escapes from her. "_'I don't know. Pigtails, is it?' 'Yeah, them.' I-I u-used to brush Mrs Greening's h-hair, whilst_ Jesus-" I found a sensitive spot and one hand is in my hair again, and her hip tries to buckle towards me. Her eyes are closed for a moment. I keep sucking there, licking the spot and around it, making Amy crazy for more.

She stops reading and so I stop, too. Her eyes shoot open and she stares at me. "You can't leave me hanging like this," she's almost bagging right now.

I just smirk at her. "Then keep on reading, don't stop. Just don't stop reading."

She shakes her head, "You're crazy," she states, but she does continue. "_Whilst Jacob prepared her tea ang g-got h-her medicine r-ready._" Making her stutter is my new favorite thing. My tongue is down under again, and it finds its way to her sensitive spot again, making her shiver and moan.

"_I'd w-wash it somet-times, t-too._" Now it's time to make this even more fun. "_She had a s-s-special sink, like you see in h_-holy shit!" I insert two fingers at once, just to see her reaction and I start moving them inside her. She almost can't speak anymore. "_Like you see in h-haird-dressers but with p-padded bits th-that f-fold over the edges._" Her hand is in my hair again, gripping it and pulling it lightly.

I still look at her and I see her other hand gripping tightly on the book, I can see that she's close, and even though this was lots of fun, some things have to come to an end.

"_She d-didn't have m-much feeling in her a-arms a-and legs, but her h-head felt t-tingly and nice when I r-rubbed-_ Fuck." Funny how a word like rubbing can throw her over the edge almost by itself.

I curl my fingers inside of her, sucking on her sensitive spot. "_in the shampoo. That's w-when sh-she said_ – Fuck, Karma." She throws her head back and her legs start shaking. Now I got her. She pulls me up by my hair and I make my way to her mouth, kissing it softly while my fingers help her to ride out that orgasm.

She stares at me, panting. "You're crazy, you know that?"

I smile at her and kiss her again. "Don't act like you didn't love it." I say between kisses.

She puts her arms around me and pulls me close. "I love you, and I love everything you do." She buries her head in my neck and kisses it softly. "You're fucking crazy." she's still slightly panting, I think that was enough for one morning.

As on cue Lauren shouts for breakfast. Amy just groans. "Is she fucking kidding me? I look like shit, I swear I'm still flushed."

I move away from her and a giggle escapes my mouth. "You wouldn't look so bad if you'd pull up your pants."

I don't think I've seen Amy blush like that, her face looks redder than a tomato and a laugh escapes my mouth. "Now come on, we have to get downstairs."

I pull her up and walk to the door.

Downstairs I sit down at my usual spot at the table and smile at Farrah. "It's good to see you Mrs Cooper."

She looks at me a bit startled and then looks over to Amy who sits down without saying a word. "Oh Karma, what a lovely surprise, I didn't know you stayed over. And I told you a million times that you can call me Farrah."

I smile at her brightly. "Thank you Farrah, yeah I didn't plan to stay over, but we studied so much last night that it got pretty late. I'm sorry that Amy didn't say anything."

Amy is still quiet and just looks at her food while eating. She sits directly next to me, Lauren is on the other side. Bruce is not here right now, so there's one empty seat in front of me. Amy reaches over to my thigh under the table and squeezes it lightly.

"Oh don't worry, we have enough food for you, too. Just leave me a note next time, okay Amy?" Farrah looks at Amy now who still didn't say anything.

"Yeah, sure. I'm sorry." I look over at her while putting my hand on hers, she shivers lightly and I have to suppress a laugh. She hasn't recovered from my little experiment.

During breakfast I chat with Farrah and Lauren about unimportant things, while Amy runs her hand through her hair every two minutes and lightly scratches my thigh ever so often. Slowly she sits up straight, but she still doesn't say anything.

When Farrah clears the table and I offer my help, Lauren walks up to me. "Can I see you in my room after breakfast?" I just shrug and clear the rest of the table.

I'm about to follow Lauren to her room when Amy gets a hold of my arm. She pulls me closer to her and whispers "When you come back to my room, be prepared for my revenge." She kisses me softly on my cheek and lets go of my arm. Shivers run down my spine and I swear I look like I've just seen a ghost. I stumble up the stairs to Lauren's room and try to brace myself for this day.

"So she explained everything?" That's the first thing she says when I enter the room. I simply nod. "Must have been a really good explanation so that you forgave her that easily."

I shrug. "Well yeah, I mean I missed her so much and I really want to be with her. I couldn't stand being away from her and what she said was reasonable and somewhat relateable."

"So what was her reasoning?" I hand her the letter without another word. I took it with me, because I knew she would ask that. She reads it and looks at me afterward. "So you're telling me that you just accepted it?"

I shrug again and cross my arms. "What can I say? I love her of course I'll forgive her."

"So if she cheats on you, you'd forgive her, too?" Lauren raises an eyebrow.

"You can't really compare that, can you? She made a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. You forgave me mine, why am I not allowed to forgive her?"

Lauren sighs and gets up from her bed. "I just worry about you, okay? I saw Amy screw girls over again and again, and I don't want that to happen to you. You're my best friend."

"If I'm your best friend then trust me, she won't treat me like the girls before me. This is different."

She purses her lips, but nods. "Okay fine. But if she breaks your heart, then I'm gonna kill her and tell you I told you so."

I smile at her and shake me head. "Fine, but that won't happen. Come here." I open my arms and she walks in wrapping her arms around me. I have my best friend back, I have my girlfriend back, so everything is pretty perfect, right?

When we pull away, I walk over to Amy's room. I take a deep breath. So here comes her revenge.


End file.
